My in-depth intro (long hopefully not too boring, feel free to skim)

I will try not to make this too boring or long.

I feel like my story is a bit different than most peoples. I havent always been fat or had weight problems. Most of my life I was rather small. In fact, I used to be very annoyed I couldnt find clothes that are small enough and now they seem to sell those small sizes everywhere!

I have gone from not being able to find sizes small enough to not being able to find sizes big enough. That just *cant* be good for my health.

I am only 5 ft and most of my life weighed 95 to 105. I didnt think about my weight at all. I didnt enjoy being thin, its the only condition I knew really. While my food choices didnt make me fat, I never really focused on my HEALTH HABITS and they were actually bad and certainly were bound to catch up with me. I drank lots of soda,  was a smoker and ate junk food (i just wasnt hungry very often and could get full rather fast).

Somewhere around age 35 I took a job that paid ridiculous amounts of money and had great benefits. It was a job that tied me to a chair though and I started to gain weight. It wasnt so much at first, it was maybe 10 lbs at first. That seemed to grow to 30 lbs somewhere along the line. Then I quit smoking...that DID IT. I was already starting to see weight gain and increased appetite and cravings before quitting and afterwards it was out of control. Maybe there is also some transfer addiction from smoking to food going on.

I would diet and drop weight but soon I wasnt able to reach my goal weight anymore and regaining it all back PLUS some. I stopped trusting myself completely. I no longer believed that this new attempt to diet and change my eating habits would result in weight loss that would stay. I have changed my eating habits a great deal and I am glad about that, but it hasnt resulted in me getting my weight down. Its probably helped me not weigh even more than I do and its probably whats kept me from developing a co-morbidity (for now anyway, that would also probably occur sooner or later).

I have boxes and boxes of clothes from my thinner days, I could never bring myself to throw them out. To do so would be admitting defeat and that I could never get back there again. I feel trapped inside this body, like its not even mine!

I used to live in Virginia beach (early 20's) and I used to go to the beach every morning for sunrise. I loved just standing there and feeling the wind on my skin...now I hate it. It makes my clothes press against my fat. I want to enjoy feeling the wind again. I live in this beautiful country of sweden where you can really enjoy the outdoors but for me the outdoors is a constant reminder of just how fat and uncomfortable I am, I am missing out on my own life.

This was neither too boring or too long! Thank you for posting such a thoughtful intro, it really touched me.

Two things we have in common. I was not large as a child or teen. However I did gain MOST of my weight with my son when I was 18. He just turned 25 on the 8th! Gasp!! After that-I couldn't get the weight off for any meaningful amount of time.

Remembering loving the wind and the beauty of the outdoors touching my skin! That made me tear up a bit. I also ended up hating all of it-as it reminded me of how DIFFERENT I had become. I still have to work hard to not be bummed when it's a sunny day. I have a bit of stuff to work on (I was so low for so long!).

I have probably said this to you before, but I have read and met MANY folks who were preparing for surgery-and by far you are one that stands out that I just KNOW will be successful. No doubts.

Peace and thanks for sharing~!
Therese

Thanks for the kinds words and encouragement, I would say "you dont know how much that means to me" but then I realize you probably DO, which makes it even nicer!

I do hope you are right about my future success. On one hand I feel I will be successful because I feel like its my one chance out of this hell but on the other hand I am still having trouble trusting myself in this area because I have failed so many times before in getting this weight off and KEEPING it off.

Honestly, its hard for me to seek support or help but I am learning to do so because the truth is that I do need it. I cant tell myself that lie anymore (the one where I tell myself I can do this all by myself and I am strong enough alone).

BTW, I saw your you tube video. Very inspiring! You dont even look like you were ever heavy.

You know, I think there is something really important in your words about knowing this is your one chance-yet knowing you have had failures in the past. Isn't that just reality for all of us on most things?

Seriously-if someone never had a set back with losing weight-I would fear for them when they had the surgery, because they would never had experienced what it feels like to lose control. I think we need a healthy amount of fear from the past. We learn from the past. You know how it is-it has to be YOUR hand on the flame to tell you exactly WHY you will never stick your hand on the burner again.

Its just information. And those past failures are also known as "more research". We have done much research and this puts us in the place for true chance of success. I'm just sayin'.

And thanks for watching my video! I think I made about 100 of them-all the way through the process. It helped me more than I can say to reach out that way. And I do suppose if you watched even one of my videos you would have heard me say we absolutely cannot do this alone. Isolation is NOT our friend! LOL! And of course-many of us learned to be VERY good at isolation.

It has always been hard for me to ask for support-let alone even TRUST another person. Very hard. But this was the ONE thing-just this ONE time where I decided to do the thing I didn't want to do-reach out. Glad I did.

Peace,
T