I've slipped but I can get back up

I keep trying to be abstinate from addicting food but I slip frequently.  I accept my condition and resolve to do better.  This has been going on for a long time.  However, with my mental illnessof being manic-depressive, I sometimes have to decide whether to allow myself a small portion of a problem food or going crazy avoiding it.  I do exhibit crazy behavior at times such as literally banging my head against a wall; I know it doesn't accomplish anything and it hurts.  Sometimes making the effort to stay clean depresses me despite my meds.

I remember the freedom I felt last year when I had 4.5  months of abstinence from addicting food.  I lost 50 lbs over that period of time.  However, I lost a few more lbs through Oct.  I gained 3.5 lbs over the holidays.  I get weighed once a month and just found that I lost 4 lbs since 01-08.  Things aren't as bad as they could be.

I learned a lot last year from the Beck's Diet Solution, and I'm slowly reviewing it on the Hunger and Food Troubles Forum.  Even though I make mistakes, I can help others when I see where they are in the Becks Group.  Note:  you won't get to that group if you enter it as Beck's .   Don't put in an apostrophe.

I just had to post this time to be honest with you.  I won't post every slip, but I don't want to appear to be living a clean program when I am not.

Overeaters Anonymous is a great resource.  Check out the link in my siggy line.  Here we may ackowledge our insanity in a safe and confidential enviornment.  You may find it helpful. 

OA doesn't work for me.  I was in OA for 20 years and gained 300 lbs.  I'd become abstinate and become a food sponsor and then have to give that up when I slipped.  I did extensive step work and became a step sponsor and it all fell apart.  It migh have been problems with my mental condition.

Overall, I don't believe in all 12 steps of a 12 step program.  they are based on a monastic rule from the 5th century and probably work well in a monastery.  They've had limited success in treating addictions.  My shrinks over the years have told me they're only successful about 35% of the time.  They pointed out that that may be due to the insidiousness of addictions or to people simply not sticking with the programs.   

I don't knock OA.  I do know that it works for some people.  Even though I don't follow all 12 steps, I agree with the 1st 3 steps whenever I want to get honest with myself about my eating.

Nothing is right for everyone.  Since addicts largely live and die with their addictions, I think its a worthwhile resource for many.  A therapist is not an option for a lot of us.  OA and other 12 step programs fill a void inspite of their imperfections. 

I went to one f2f OA meeting over 20 years ago.  It was in and out.  I found it a group of pathetic whiners and could not get with the concept of having no control.  I don't understand your comment about monastic rule.  However, with some guidance, I've taken their generic higher power concept and adapted to Catholicism .  

I still don't "get it".  I have not worked the steps.  However, the meetings keep me cognizant of my behavior.  The shares I once called whining remind me that other screwed up people are also there trying.  Despite the fact that many are smo, they are working on their behavior. 

I don't know if it will be of long term value for me but right now its a resource.  I hope we both find the long term answer to managing any dysfunctional food related behaviors we deal with.