The Cheese That Holds Us Together

Alrighty.  I have two questions.

First, this past weekend I had this earth shattering epiphany during a very emotinoal moment that even after i lose all this wieght, I'll still be the same and people will still treat me the same.  Now I don't know how true that is, but it was none the less a very emothional realization.  I almost reconsidered doign the surgery.  Has anyone else had parlyzing thoughts like this and if so how do you deal with them? 

Second, my husband has been acting kind fo off lately.  It could be my perception, it could be other things, but I wonder if it is the impending surgery - the changes I am making now and the changes I will have to make soon.  Food has sort of been a bonding thing for us.  We both enjoy eating bad food, and when we eat it together it has made it seem okay somehow.  He read a comment i made in my food log not too long ago about a donut he bought me and I think it hurt him.  I had just noted that it was a bad idea and I wish he had brought me real food.  I didn't intend to hurt him, but i think thats the effect it had.  There's been other things too.  I know relationships with other people will change, but I guess I thought my marriage would be an exception, because it is such a solid relationship.    How has WLS effected other people's spouses and your relationships with them? 

Hi, Jennifer,

I see you've had 8 people read your post but, as yet, no one has responded.  So, I am going to take a stab at some kind of response though it may not directly answer your questions.

I had a similar epiphany, very emotional, just a couple days ago.  I will be having my first appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday and, because of the realization I had, was very tempted to stop this WLS process before it started.  So, on that note, THANK YOU for sharing yours.  I now know I'm not alone in that feeling and thought.  There was one difference in my epiphany, though, it was in how I will view myself and how I will treat myself once all the weight is gone.  Will I still treat myself and view myself as the same person pre-WLS?  Will the whole process help me to have a healthier view of myself?  I  do know that others will view me differently.  I have not always been morbidly obese... I started gaining in my late twenties.  I have seen how I am treated differently with the weight versus without it.  I have even seen a difference in how people treat me at my current weight based on whether or not I am wearing makeup.  It is human nature to treat someone who looks good or shows they take an interest in how they look better than someone who doesn't.  That's in reference to people who don't know me, strangers.  I also know that people I know, friends and family, will also view and treat me differently.  Some will be very supportive, some will be threatened, and some will be scared by it.  I may lose some friends... hopefully not as I am being very open about it in the hope that others will be comfortable in talking to me about it.  Bottom line is that I know I will change... in how I look, obviously, in how I feel physically, and, with God's help, how I think of and treat myself.  I'm turning to food to fill a void and to sooth my negative emotions.  It doesn't work, though.... it doesn't fill the void, just my stomach, and it doesn't deliver me from the negative emotions.  I'm looking at the WLS journey as just that... a journey to a healthier physical, emotional, and spiritual me.

Now, this brings us to your relationship with your husband.  I am not currently married but, I have a devoted support person, a friend, who will be with me on this journey.  My surgeon requires that my friend sign a document which indicates that he has read all the introductory material or attended a seminar going over the same material.  It also indicates that this support person, my friend, understands that I will lose weight and that I will change in physical appearance as well as change drastically in my eating habits.  Has your husband been prepared for the journey along with you?  Has he been educated on what to expect?  Not just in what you will be going through but in what he may go through?  If not, then maybe that's a direction to take this issue.  I know men don't always like to talk but, communication and understanding go a very long way in keeping a solid relationship.  I suggest you talk to him about what you are feeling.  Try to do it in an open and compassionate way.  My guess is that he's frightened and confused about it all and how to handle changes in your perspective.  Both your and his perspective on food will change in this process.  Be honest but gentle.  Let him know that you think you may have hurt his feelings and apologize; ask him how you can make amends and be frank and honest about what you need in the way of his support.   You may be more comfortable in asking your doctor to help your husband understand what he can expect.  Or, your psychologist if you are seeing one.  In any case, life will change for him, too, as you go through this journey.  It is inherent. 

All of my response is my perspective only.  I am not an educated counselor.  Please get other perspectives and perhaps advice from a professional.  I just know that communication in a safe environment works wonders.  Hang in there...

Diana

Diana gave you some awesome and very intelligent insight!

People will treat you differently for the most part, in most ways this is a good thing. If you make an effort to allow yourself to grow (emotionally, mentally and as an individual) you too will begin to view and treat yourself differently. I never really ever thought about the fact that I might be treated differntly by myself or others, but I am, and it really is a positive experience. I must say that in my mind, I am "one of the obese". even tho I am thinner and healthier, and those who do not know me would never guess I weighed 270 lbs, i find I am very protective of others who are where I was and when nasty comments are made, i take it very personally.

Relationships change somewhat, is varies person to person. If your relationships are based on food, those will change big time, or your wls joureny will be sabbotaged. DO not allow that to happen. Begin now to incorporate a new basis to these relationships. Replace the food with things like learning a new craft together, taking walks, hikes, etc,  Things that can be a common bond, but don't have to include sabbotage. Some people will feel threatened by your self improvement. This can be a big issue for wls patients and thier loved ones and friends. Many spouses fear that once you are thinner, you will want to replace them with someone better. The best way to deal with this is to include those you love as much as you can in the learning process. Help them learn what your wls requires of you, the support you will need, and the behavior modifications they will need to make toward you, like no more 'food pushing" I had to tell my hubby over and over...PLEASE DO NOT offer me food of any kind. If you have something I want, I will ask, if I am hungry, I will get what I need, but to offer me foods that are not on plan is actually cruel to me. I knew he meant well, but he didn't realize how hard it could be for me. I think it is a great idea for him to attend some support groups with you, as this helps him learn (even if from others) the challenges and difficulties you face. They don't consider many of them, as they are not where we are. You can't know what you haven't experienced personally, you only have an "idea" of what it is like. Assure him of how you feel for him, and he will feel more comfortable as time goes on and your changes occur.

Now speaking of change, not everyone changes alot mentally / emotionally / etc. But many do. I know I have changed tremendously. I am much more confident than I had been. I have wroked hard on resolving emotional struggles that have plagued me since childhood and on. I have grown, and matured and am even learning that taking care of ME when I need to isn't a bad thing at all. there was a time everyone else always came first. I have learned it is healthy and good for us all, when I see to my needs as well. It isn't always an easy thing to choose filling my needs over others, but I have learned that if I do not, I will begin to resent others and become depressed and miserable.

WLS is not the easiest journey in the world. BUT it is an awesome one, and can be so positive and rewarding, if we allow it to be. Just remember wls doesn't work on our "head issues" only our digestive system. That is a small part of what needs to be fixed. We must all take an active role in fixing our mentality to truly succeed in this journey and embrace the life we were always intended to live.

Hugs to you.

Jennifer, love the topic intro.  We all need those that help us survive.  I invited my hubby to attend wls support group meetings with me.  There are a few other spouses and family members that come to support group, he learns something each time.  He still has his favorite foods, that are not wls friendly and is picky about what he will try.  New foods terrify him, I offer him a bite of somethings that I make that is wls friendly, often leaving leftovers available in the fridge.  He has "his cupboard" of off limit foods for me anyway.  When he wants to replentish his pasta and snacks, he goes with me to the store, picks out what he wants, and immediately puts the foods away when we get home.  I am finding that every once in a while, he really does like something that is good for him.  He does best with new foods if he is not in the kitchen when I cook.  Ignorance is bliss at times.

I share infomation with my hubby and he does his best, he is learning.  I brought him along to some of my nutrition appointments before surgery.  It took him over a year to understand what a carbohydrate is, still confuses him at times. 

Know that we all change, share the changes with those that support you.  Share that you want positive support from those close to you.  Offer options when your hubby wants to bring you something. Mine now brings me snapdragons when he wants to treat me.  (I love to play with the flowers and they do not add to my waist.)  Take walks with your hubby, activities that you can share deepen the bond.  Share with us, we are here to support you along this adventure, let the adventure continue.  Hugs

The others have given you some excellent advice.  I would only add that if food is indeed a 'time together' for the two of you that part doesn't need to change.  The change will be in the actual food.  There are some fabulous receipies out there and you can try them together.  Everyone can benefit from a wls eating plan, it's very healthy.  He will have a larger volumn than you and additional items on his plate but he loves you and you'll work it out.  You do need to talk about it though.  WIth everything else in marriage you gotta talk about it.  He doesn't want your relationship to change either.  Plan a nice healthy meal, candles too, and get it all out there.  Good luck to you!

Thank you all so much for your responses!  You've given me some great ideas and it feels really great to have your support.  I will definitely talk with my husband about this.  We talk a lot anyhow, but I think yuo've brought up some things that we haven't addressed.  He is trying the best he can right now despite his reservations so I don't think it will be too hard to get him on board for the rest.  He was actually interested in reviewing the material I got at the nutrition seminar this past Friday.  He asked questions and really listened to me.  Also, last night he tried grilling portobella (sp?) mushrooms caps along side our 90/10 hamburgers.  So we tried eating a mushrom instead of beef.  I think it may take some polishing on the cooking technique, but it was nice he was willing not only to cook that option for me, but to try it hmiself as well.  He has type 2 diabetes also, and all of these changes will benefit him too.  I really want to add exercise together to our bonding time as suggested.  A seperate cupboard for him is a great idea, as well as alternate treats like flowers.  Thank you all again for all the great advice!