Hey, I'm new to the group. Having trouble

Hi -- I've been on OH for a few years now and I'm closer than I've ever been to having RNY surgery.  My surgeon wants me to lose 40lbs before surgery and I feel like I'm sabotaging myself over and over towards being out of control.  I've had so many "last suppers"...I'm so ashamed.  I've lost so much weight -- 20 to 25 pounds....but then I yo-yo'd back up over the last 6 or 10 months and gain even more.  I'm that much farther behind now.  It's been hard because I've been dealing with a lot of grief and anguish.  4 close friends died over the course of the year (one sweet gal was a new post- op named Sue Korb and she died of a heart-related issue a few months after her RNY surgery) and I haven't dealt with the grief in a healthy way.  What did I do?  What else??  Soothed myself with food.  Over and over and over.  It's total sabotage.  Is it that I don't feel like I'm worthy of having a happier, healthier life??  After being so self-destructive with my binging and over-eating and hiding away from the world, am I afraid to live??  I feel insane.  I'm so close.  I'm grateful that I'm in therapy, but I feel so out of control right now.  I'm trying to put the train back on the tracks.  Had 2 protein shakes today and 1 meal (small piece of steak) with about 32 ounces of water.  I've been away from OH for so long, I'm trying to reconnect and remember that there are so many others who walked the same road I'm struggling with.  I feel so low, but I'm trying to get back up. 

I am glad to hear that you are in therapy, that is the first step to getting this under control. The loss of a friend/loved one is really hard to deal with on your own. Just keep the healthy life you desire in your sites, let it be your inspiration for doing well. My prayers are with you!

Thank you for your supportive words, Mama_M.  They mean so much.

You are not alone, and let me tell you, now is the best time to gain control.  Because, this surgery isn't a magical pill and some people don't deal with that very well.  What i suggest you do is before you go to binge, get a note pad, and write down what you are feeling or dealing with at that moment.  If its because someone passed, write down who it was, why it hurts, what you loved about them, what you will miss, etc.  Sometimes 5 -10 minutes is all it takes to draw the attention away from food.  Use that note pad in your therapy so you can uncover when you weakest moments happen.  Remember, binging once you have the surgery is so dangerous, so you can use this time to start battling and defeating that behavior so you dont hurt yourself physically and emotionally down the road.  I am almost 1 year out, and yes, I have had tremendous success.  However, once I started easing carbs back into my diet, they took over.  They were all I wanted, and I got away from the protein, and the good wholesome foods that I had been eating for so long.  So, even after surgery, I had to cut food out, re-evaluate, and adjust.  This battle will never end, and we have to constantly monitor what we do, especially after we have such a major procedure.  But it is a tool that works, and you can lost the 40 pounds...you will lose those 40 pounds.  You are on the right track because you realize you need help and asking for help is step one, step two is putting it into action, and you will do it, you will!!  Before you know it you will be posting your surgey date on here!!  Hang in there, believe in yourself, you are worth it!!  Check out this web site for awesome eating ideas.  It is meant for post-surgery patients, but eating like this now may help you with the transition after you get your surgery.  Good luck and I am praying and pulling for you!!! 

http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/

Thank you, thank you, Applecheeks.  Writing my feelings in the note pad is such a great idea to catch myself in the moment.  Like putting the breaks on and slowing my mind down.  I'm going to try it starting right now.  Thanks so much for the encouragement.  I've heard eggface's name before but I've never taken a look.  I'm going to take a look around tonight.  Thank you x0x0x0x

I am sorry that you are having such a hard year.  Sounds like you need to heal from that year before you can re-committ to the weight-loss.  Maybe you need some grief counseling or to attend a grief support group.  Whatever you decide, you need SUPPORT.  SO reach out!  Come here and we can cheer u on.  Write a blog or journal your feelings.  When you find yourself reaching for food for comfort ask yourself: am I really hungry? Write your feelings down.  If after that you still feel u are hungry, try to make something healthy.

Thank you so much for responding, Fran.  You're so right about support.  I tend to go inside of myself so much, and at the same time I'm there for everyone else in my life...but when the shoe is on the other foot the support just isn't there when I need it.  I feel so ashamed about gaining back the weight after I was losing before my friends' deaths.  People in my life keep saying "get over it" and "use your willpower"...it's hard to be understood.  I'm so glad I listened to my heart and logged back on to OH last night.  I thank you gals for being here.

Hey I know how you feel about giving and giving but not getting in return when u need it.  You have to put yourself first.  I moved from NC to PA to get away from my family (no children or S.C. then), who were draining me of everything I had.  I got so tired of no one being here for me.  Well with that move, I found my true love and hes everything that I ever needed. He gives to me as I give to him.  Also my family are more into giving to me.. calling and just talking and seeing how I am doing.  What a shock it was the 1st time that my older sister called me.  I thought something was wrong... LOL..

You are worthy of this.  Just keep believing in yourself.  "willpower"  whats the hype about that.  It has nothing to do with willpower.  Even the ones who succeed have moments when they are not at their best.  Nothing wrong with that, as long as it is used as a learning experience.

I definitely hear you, Fran.  I'm so glad that you found a love you could connect with and feel balanced and in-harmony with.  You deserve it.  And it's so hopeful to hear you're connecting more with your family.  It's a beautiful thing to see people come together and reunite as families before tragedies and loss force them to come together.  You're so lucky.  You're another inspiration to me here.  I'm so touched by all of you gals who've reached out to me and welcomed me here. I'm so grateful.  Thank you for reminding me that I'm worthy.

I Kami. Welcome to our group. Accept my condolences for your tragic losses. That is so much for any one person to face in such a short time.

When you feel the urge to soothe yourself with food, try to remember, it isn't fixing a thing in the world, only making things that much harder and making you feel that much more depressed. I know you are suffering. I went through a time of extreme suffering too and 4 very trumati****urances in less than a year and a half. The first, my mother taking her life, the last of the 4 my husband in a construction collapse resulting in being crushed head to toe, barely survived, months in the hospital with him. now he's totally blind and depressed and in severe pain all the time even with meds. Our entire future as we knew it was rippd away and rearranged in a not so pleasant way.

So I truly do understand to some degree the pain you are feeling and trying to ease. But honey, food is not going to do it, it will just make the pain worse. Make a list of 1 alternate things you can do that calm you or that you enjoy doing so when you think about reaching for the food, you can reach for the list instead and do one of the things listed there. It can be reading, spending time in nature, a nice soothing bubblebath with candle light, coming here to post and read...whatever it is that helps soothe your soul. It will be by learning to do these alternate things, that you will gain the control you need over emotional eating, and have a key tool to lifelong success in your wls journey.
If you find you absolutely have to put something in your mouth to find comfort, try a sugar free popsicle. It is a safe thing and loaded with flavor. But do try to get away from using any type of food or drink. To find the comfort and peace you need will take time and some experimenting, and lots of work to take care of the real hungers, which are not of the body, but of the mind.

Big hugs to you! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! If I could anyone can!