a poem and an update

i wwanted to try to write a poem about the freedom of healthy eating, better choices and the struggle to get there. the power of believing in yourself and that is the first baby step along with better choices to healthy living. along with just some of the things we have been told that have hurt us or gotten us even more addicted to food. i could have written it a lot better but i dont write poems much anymore, even freestyle ones like that. i think i will write a short story/journal entry to close out my weight loss chapter that goes into more depth about the topics i've mentioned and then i will post that. but i thought you might enjoy reading my take on the baby steps that have helped us come this far through the power that is inside each and every one of us.

before that i do want to update everyone. my weight is holding at 301. i will get back down to 299 soon but no rush. not going to kill myself over 2 lbs. saw nut today who started calling herself a dietician now. dont like that. LOL. she is the amazing one who actually gives me things to work on and encourages me although today it seemed false and pushed. no biggie i know she means but but is exhausted from the holidays. ive lost 5 lbs since last month and she wants me to just work on maintaining everything ive learned and exercising at least 4 times a week like i am doing now. she told me about the weight restrictions and hospital stay when i asked. i wasnt prepared to only be able to lift a milk jug for 4 weeks but we'll manage. she helped me believe that my insurance wont deny it and not to worry about it. but she called me neurotic. well not me she said dont be neurotic. lol. i cannot believe the difference 7 months have made in my life. we ate out tonight and i had a dried burger shooter. there were 3 and i had 1 and some of grilled cheese from my daughter because i thought no i dont want these calories and cant eat all that was on my plate anyways. ive learned so much that i will carry on for the rest of my life. as dumb as it sounds i think all insurance companies should make u do 9 month diets before surgery but i do understand that not all people will change as fast as possible. well i cant sleep and i was up but i better go back to bed. i drank almost my whole day's water from 1-430 am. now i have to go potty then go to bed. hubby is talking in his sleep which must mean he realizes im not in there. lol. just wanted to share my poem with you and will share my dialect journalism with you when i write it prob later today if kid gives me some space. christmas break stinks LOL. its nice but at the same time breaks in routines are not much fun. i am exhausted and sleeping like 12 hours a night. thatll stop soon. school back in session on the 4th. 6 more quarters to goplus 3 months off for surgery.

Strength Lies Inside Us   There are many changes taking place as I discover who I really am. I am not my illness nor am I my career or even what I eat. To me it has been a difficult journey to overcome my addiction and codependency concerning food. Food is all around us and from the moment we are born, food is being offered as a comfort food. I don’t know why you are crying: here have a bottle… Bad day… eat a cookie; Food will make you feel better, so here take it. The entrapment of food is not something that should be taken lightly. The truth of the matter is that it kills. As I search for meaning in my existence, I find that food is not what I was taught that it was and neither am I. I am beautiful from the inside out, capable, loving and able to be loved, I am in control of me. No one can make me eat what I don’t want to eat but the truth is that saying no to someone or passing away that second plate of food can be the hardest things a person has ever had to do within themselves. Relearning who you are is tied into relearning how to eat. It’s baby steps. And yes you will make mistakes and fall like with everything else in life. But no it does not mean you are a failure. It does not mean that you are destined to eat unhealthily forever. It does not mean that you cannot and will never change. Grace takes time as well as the mercy that we all need to grant ourselves. Learning portion sizes, protein first, not so much carbohydrates, 6-8 glasses of water, and to banish that awful scale that tells you that you are not doing so well… Learning not to comfort eat, accepting that not only are you better than the food that has had control over you, but food essentially has nothing to do with who you are, at least in my opinion after years of struggling for identity and to make better choices in eating. Tomorrow is not the day to make even one better choice… Today is. That one choice can change your life and even one better choice everyday will spare your life some pain even though it may feel like it is causing more pain. You are stronger than the foods you eat. Although this is a food governed country and even restaurant choices are outrageously abounding with calories and fat, There are better choices and you can make them. You can choose today to take your life back. I know I have. I make mistakes and fall. Gain a pound of two here, loose a pound or two there a few weeks later. It’s changing your lifestyle for you. Making the most of your life. Living for the real life experiences such as family, friends, values, and faith Not being a prisioner to the food you put in your mouth. A little hunger never hurt anyone is the phrase I have heard from doctor after doctor who seemingly had no idea what hunger was even like. After a while you get bitter and angry. Life may have turned you wrong but in your old eyes food never did. Never did until your lease on life is almost up and illness attack your body. The changes are for you, to get your life back. For better quality of life, to make the person on the inside match the person on the outside, and to be able to not just live your life as a bystander but to wade in the waters so high that you are swimming not just struggling to keep your head above water. The first step is to believe in yourself. Accept that you’ve made mistakes and that the future is unknown, but be willing to change and embrace what lies ahead. I believe in me, you, and in the ability to change ourselves forever. It’s not just a diet, a habit, or a routine… It’s a lifestyle!   December 2010  

ok heres what i wrote about my journey and no God in this one.

  Strength lies within us and with every change we make we are getting stronger. I have made so many changes in my life, most especially in the last seven months when I discovered that I am not what I eat. For the longest time, I really thought my addiction to food made me less of a person and because I was so trapped in the cycle the thought would only make me eat more and the more I ate the more depressed I got and then I hated myself all the more. I could not find the strength within myself to make better choices and when I did try if I fell, I felt like it was the end of the line. I couldn’t change so therefore why try. It wasn’t until my heart began to have difficulties and that I not only had chest pain for months, panic attacks, diabetes, arthritis, high cholesterol, and a messed up thyroid. I began to realize that my life was going to be over sooner rather than later if I did not make much needed changes. But those changes overwhelmed me and I was afraid. I had no idea where to even start and the idea of a nine month diet before submitting to insurance for weight loss surgery just seemed like too much to go through besides all the testing, appointments, drive’s to Cleveland, and the biggest fear of all was the surgery itself. “What if I died?" I asked my cousin awhile before I finally started the process. ‘What if you die now?’ her rebuttal was paraphrased as I looked at the casket of my grandmother and cried for my own mother who had been dead for almost 10 years. I wanted better for my life and for my daughter. I knew it was time to make a change and while it still took more time before I really started to dedicate myself and jump into the unknown. My highest weight that I know of was nearly 370 pounds and I could barely breathe let alone walk. I was inactive, lethargic, exhausted, and unhappy, not to mention paranoid. I had made many mistakes in my life and the biggest one was letting myself be the size of 3 skinny people but more realistically 2 average sized people. Even the heart doctor I went to told me that I was the size of two people and nothing was wrong with my heart except that it was suffering from all the weight that was bearing down on it. The rest of my body moaned with the same pain, including my mind that was tortured from the laughs, snickers, and sneers of people that I passed by and the inability to even find clothes at the local plus size shops. My confidence was shot to say the least and I didn’t know who or what I was. Before I could embark on this journey I needed to gain some of that confidence stuff and in the beginning I had to learn that I was not what I ate and that I could control what I put into my mouth. Even though I would feel hungry, I would still live. So many times I have heard my doctor’s and my daughter’s doctor say that a little hunger never hurt anyone. As they talk I hear the echo of all the other doctors who have voiced the same opinion. “You must lose weight. “ Once that voice starts so do the rest of the voices of all the other people and institutions who were never afraid to say that a person is fat or unequal. Food will make you feel better, eat this, eat that. From the moment a baby is born, food is offered when they cry and when they get older it becomes a comfort food. I am upset, sad, angry, alone… Let me eat. Food doesn’t make it all better. What no one tells you ****il it is too late) is that food kills. Yes, I said it. The controversial statement that no one wants to hear or accept but it’s not far from the truth.  The more that I understand who I am, the more I realize that I am stronger than the bond I have with food. I accept that I have made mistakes but after years of making the wrong decision I am ready to make the right ones. Even if it is baby steps and that I will stumble and fall.  I can make the next right decision and then the next. I can better my life and my future. I love myself enough to do it not only for my family, but FOR ME. This one is for me and my health. My life. I take it back. I desire to not sit by as a passerby and watch my life go by. The more I choose to eat healthier, the more effort I give to my intellectual and psyical health, the more energy and jest for life I have. The more I am willing to try, and embracing this unknown future ahead does not frighten me as much as it excites me and gives me a chance at a renewed life. I may have been entrapped by my desire to eat and food choices, but I say no more. I say no more the pain of being teased, making impulsive decisions to eat based on how I feel at that moment, and I say no to letting my life pass me by. I have made renovation in my life, a makeover of sorts. I have transformed from a bystander to a person who enjoys her life and may not exactly be able to say that I welcome the challenges that life brings but I embrace each day as it comes and I know that I have the power within me to overcome the power food has over my life.

Beautiful! Now print that out and read it whenever you are struggling. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hugs to you!