HMMMM moment in time.

well most of you know my parents dis owned me years ago and even more so when they found out I had surgery ( they do not believe in Dr's ) that is their faith..... any how a few days ago I got a card from my Mother I first wanted to throw it away but instead I just put it on the table and left it ... not sure what I wanted to do with it, Well I opened it last night and it was a sweet card signed love Mother and Father.... Now I am just filled with mixed emotions on one hand I have reached out over and over to them over the years to get the door slammed in my face and even told I am dead to them and now they send me a card with love" WTF" sorry I had to say it! I respect my parents choice in their faith but I had to do what Had to do for me in life .... part of me wants the love of the parent and always will but another part of me says the door needs to stay closed.... they also dis owned my other sister who had a lap band too..... I called that sister up and told her what I got in the mail and she was like be careful because she heard that they were having money problems due to all there health problems and apparently our other sisters that dis owned us too are being evicted from their homes..... It made me think ... am I only good because My husband and I make a good income and we know how to invest and save and we have money and they want it?????? Now I am even more mixed up I dont want to be used because I have something they want..... but the little girl in me wants her mommy and daddy again...... ARRGGG!  I am going to at least send them a card back but until I know what their intentions are I am very guarded on this matter..... I really need other opinions.. let me know what you think.....
Thanks, Lisa

I personally think you have come up with the best possible solution for the moment.  Dealing with family is always a little tricky but given the cir****tances, remaining guarded is the right way to approach this.

For some reason people seem to think they can do and say whatever they want because they are family, no matter how hurtful they are and expect that there should be no hard feelings.  I understand what you are going through except in my situation my youngest son disowned me because I didn't have $20 to give him.  We haven't spoken in 5 years.  I have tried to contact him but never got a phone call back.  I have a little extra money this holiday season and thought about sending him a Christmas card and a small check.  I bought the card but still haven't decided what I'm going to do yet.

I will say a prayer that everything works out in the best possible way for you.

Colleen

Thank you Colleen, I will keep you in my prayers too....

WOW.. I did not know this. How did I miss this if most of us know it? But either way... WOW. As a parent myself, I cannot imagine disowning my children, let alone over my personal medical beliefs. My children would have to do something really really terrible for me to consider disowning them. I am a firm believer that I can only do my best to raise my children the way I would like them to live, but as adults they are free to make their own choices, and I am willing to both allow and accept that because I love my children. So for me it is very difficult to understand how a parent can choose to abandon their child because they choose something for themselves that they don't agree with personally, especially being something that harms no one else.

I can so understand the emotional termoil you are feeling. My mother (had no father in the picture other than abusive step fathers from time to time) was unloving, cold and at times quite cruel. BUT I spent most of my life craving her acceptance and love and doing everything I could to win it, to no avail. But that inner need for it never went away. My mother took her life almost 5 years ago, and there are still times I wonder what my mother would think of me, and what I've accomplished, and how I've handled such a challenging life so well since my husbands accident. Deep inside I know I'd never win approval no matter what.. but still find myself wondering, if she were alive....

My opinion is to proceed with extreme caution. And at the first sign of this contact being made for their own personal gain, turn tail and run the other way. You have to take care of number 1 and that is you. I definately think if you want it, you should give it a chance and see what the intentions are, but proceed cautiously and slowly. Don't open yourself up too far emotionally until you are certain it is safe to. And most of all, do not allow them to make you feel bad in any way. Remember the choice to walk away from the relationship was theirs and not really about you at all. It was about them, and their displeasure at not being able to control you and your life. You are a very special lady, and an individual, and your needs are yours alone. No one has the right to make these choices for you except for you. So I guess what I am saying is although part of you wants to open the door, maybe it is best to keep the "chain lock" on it so you are not opening yourself up wide open to any intentions of misuse. Then if you decide it is safe, you can always remove "the chain" later.

Just my own little (ok not so little) opinion on it. I went through this myself in a way, and ended up finally moving away to sever the emotional bonds my mother placed on me. I finally even hit a point (before her death) where i decided to not expect anything from her, and I couldn't be disappointed and hurt by her further. This helped me immensely.

I could be all wrong here, but just my feelings on it...

You have come a long way, and have much to be proud of. Do not allow anyone to pee on your parade.

Big hugs and lot of love coming your way. I wish you the best of luck in this. I hope their intentions are good ones and not intended for personal gain. Most of all I hope you do not end up hurt more by this whole thing, sounds like you have endured enough pain in this relationship.

Patrece,

 You are so right,  This is what I have been thinking myself . I think for me it is better to keep the chain on the door locked.... I feel that it is better for me in the end, I have come so far and to have them or anyone pee on my parade is not going to happen, I am going still send a card back but that will be the only thing I can do.... my intoition tells me it is a set up and a trap to use me and I just dont want to go there at all. I feel much better and ready to get back into my Christmas joy and fun..... wooo hooo ! Thank you ((((HUGS)))) BTW How are you and your daughter feeling?

Lisa

Lisa, I vaguely recall that you and your family had a difference of opinion.  Do what is in your best interest.  You need to look out for number one first.  Making the healthy decision to have the surgery and all your other life decisions is yours alone.  I was reading Patrece's reply and thinking, you read my mind, and put my feelings down so much better than I could. 

I have a sister suffering from depression and bipolar, she withdrew from the family years ago, tried commiting suicide several times.  I would "jump" when she would be in crisis centers, getting what she thought she needed, providing rides home, until one day I realized that she was manipulating me and I was enabling her behavior.  She is diabetic and was on an insulin pump, she had tried to commit suicide with her insulin, the center took her pump away and was giving her insulin as shots.  She called saying that they would only allow her to check her blood sugar 4 times a day, wanted me to bring her blood sugar meter to the crisis center.  I am a nurse, so was she, I had a breakthrough, they were managing her blood sugars and if she was truly having a low blood sugar episode, they would check her blood sugar and treat it appropriately. I stood my ground and said "NO" when she had a request for the meter, I was done enabling.  She quit talking to me, and I was liberated from enabling.  This day of enlightment was one of my hardest and best days.  This all occurred years before my surgery.  Last weekend, my sister accompanied my dad when he came for a visit.  She still has her moments, but did offer some conversation and no requests that appeared as seeking enabline.  I plan to take this one step at a time with her.  Since that last enabling episode, I moved several hours away from where she lives.  We used to live about 10 miles apart.  My life is so much better without the enabling.

Sorry, I got off track with my response.  Know that we are here for you Lisa.  Stand your ground, do what is best for Lisa.  Hang in there my friend.  Hugs

Kathy,

I am glad you went off track it helped, Family is great when its all good but when its bad ugggggg! here comes the grey hary and worry lines...... Now I agree with what you and Patrece have said along with everyone else I have gotten emails and talked too... I am going to keep number one (me) on task and take care of me. Thank you and I will keep you in my prayers too.

HUGSSSS,  Lisa

Hi Lisa.

I didn't really know about your parent problems until now. I had very similar problems with my father, who decided one day his family was too much for him and dumped them all on 20-year old me. I never regretted helping my mother find her health again or supporting my sister and brother through College and until the were able to stand up on their own feet. However, when my father showed up 15 years later, almost wimpering that he was sick and needed family around him, I'm afraid none of us waivered one moment from sending him on his way. He has passed on now and for anyone who doesn't know the terrible cir****tances we lived through it might sound unkind, but believe me, there was no other way.

Amalia

Amalia,

Very true, for some they will never know they can only sympathize or disagree....... And I know for me I will be OK I had a weak moment but I know in the end it would not be a good thing for me I have been without them since I was 15 yrs old and I am 43 yrs young now as much as I want the love of a mom and dad it would not be a healthy one even if it did work out but I know it would not and frankly I dont have to look to far for a parental comfort my husbands aunts and uncles are always there for me along with everyone here on O.H.

Thank you for your kindness, Lisa