Alive and....

Okay so it's been awhile since I have posted anything. 

I'm alive and...
well...
in chaos...

My relationship has ended essentially because of my surgery.  My partner was not able to provide the support or understanding that I needed and could not handle the changes that were occurring.  I was not interested in looking for a relationship or pursuing one, since the last one ended essentially because of my surgery.  Interestingly enough, the Universe decided to go into a completely different direction.  Enter new man.  So I was incredibly nervous about meeting Andrew, but he has been a little ray of sunshine in the chaos that has become my life. 

My new guy's name is Andrew.  He makes my heart melt with his thoughtfulness and compassion.  One of the foods I adore is sushi.  I can't eat much sushi, in fact 2-3 pieces is the absolute max.  Well Andrew is concerned about how little I actually eat, so he picked up sashimi (just the fish pieces without the rice) with idea that i might be able to eat more and keep it down.  (The dietician want me to try everything and anything in an effort to get my calorie count up.)  The fact that he thought of that was so incredibly sweet.  He kissed my scars better lol - that humbled me.  I'm trying my best to get used to the changes in my body.  It feels somewhat alien to me and my body is still constantly changing. 

He took me to my surgeon's appointment this past Monday, as I am still not allowed to drive.  He's worried about me and the last time he was up I was given a lecture about taking protein shakes and eating breakfast.  Part of the problem is that I'm throwing up so much that the idea of food totally repulses me.  So I have promised to try.  Interestingly enough, Andrew used to be obese as well and made a decision to live a healthier life.  He himself has lost 80+ lbs on his own through diet and exercise. 

I wish I could say that my doctors have gotten their heads out of their asses.  My appointment with my surgeon wasn't exactly helpful.  She feels that i'm ready to go back to work and I just laughed at her.  I asked her if she was kidding since I have been doing nothing but throwing up, I'm still bleeding and still have an incredible amount of pain for which they have no idea what the cause is.  It's the same incision site and it hurts to sit, stand, lay down, walk, etc.  They think that the problem will be resolved within fours months as apparently many patients report these symptoms and their resolution four months post-op.  So the doctor asked me what I wanted from her.  I said if you feel that this will be resolved within four months, then let me take that time off and we'll go from there. I cannot function in my day-to-day activities, so the idea of working is almost the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. So now I'm waiting to hear from the insurance company.  They have put me on new medication to see if that will help the ulcer as apparently my pouch is eroding.  They think the ulcer might be part of the problem too as to why I'm throwing up and bleeding.  They are scheduling another colonoscopy too.

To be honest I am just barely hanging on.  I am frustrated, angry, tired, stressed, happy, sad, confused, delighted...the list goes on.  I am taking things a second at a time and doing my very best to remain positive and upbeat.  I have been getting more attention from people as I get smaller - at least that's what it seems like - and all I want to do is hide.  I feel exposed, embarrassed and completely vulnerable.  I'm not exactly sure how to handle it all.  

Being in the emotional crap storm is not all that it's cracked up to be.  Even worse is the examination of how lonely, sad, angry and scared life has been that brought me to this point in my life.  For myself - I am PISSED OFF (pardon the swearing).  I am angry with everything, and mostly I am angry with myself.  I just haven't figured out exactly the reasons for it. 

So that's my update.  I'm alive and...well...alive. 

First off... congratulations on having a caring and understanding partener in your life. It must make a world of difference for you.

If I had to make a guess i'd have to say that since they know you have an ulcer, that is likely the culprit for what you are experiencing physically, as far as symptoms. Ulcers are very painful. I just wonder why they are not treating it more aggressively? Maybe after they check it again, they will do something to repair or heal it.

Please remember too, that as you lose "fat" that has been stored in your cells for many years, those cells are also releasing hormones and chemicals that have been stored with that fat for many years. This can result in horrible emotional battles. If one has beenobese since puberty, hormones from that time in life are also being released and until elimnated from the body, can cause emotions similar to those during that time to surface. This will ease and pass with time and as your weight loss slows. Thereis an article about this in our group blog. Its a page or 2 in, but worth the read. Sometimes it helps just to understand why we feel some of what we are.

I wish you a fast and full recovery. I am so very sorry to hear that you are still in pain and vomitting, and having these troubles. I hope they take care of your ulcer soon, that is probably causing most of this.

Enjoy your new relationship. It sounds like he is a very caring and compassionate man.

As far as you not liking the positive attention you are now receiving, you have to remember, that for so long, we just tried to fade into the background of life, as we didn't want to be noticed at all, deep down inside. So the sudden positive attention is very difficul to accept, believe, and experience. This too will become easier with time. As you begin to feel better physically, you will begin to feel better emotionally and it will all get easier. Hang in there and thank you so much for updating us and allowing me the chance to help encourage and support you.

Big hugs coming your way!

Michelle, (((((((Hugs))))))) my friend.  You need one as often as possible.  Enjoy the time with Andrew, he sounds like a keeper.  I hope that just putting your thoughts out here helps you to feel better. 

Having an ulcer sucks, to put it mildly.  I pray that it resolves asap.

Please know that we are here for your support.  Post often, hugs for healing for you.  Hugs

Your story reminded me of the saying that God never closes a door without opening another one.  How lucky you are to have someone like Andrew in your life.

I knew our hormones got out of whack with this surgery but didn't realize they were stored in the fat.  Thanks for explaining that Patrece.

I sorry I don't know your name but I just wanted to wish you continued success with your surgery and all of the other aspects of your life.  It will get better.

Colleen