personal - inner struggles - chapter from my book

i dont know who all will want to read this and it might frighten some people, but by the end i felt optismitic and on track but it dug up memories i had tried to forget. here it is, i hope that you "like it" i cannot take cristism very well so i am putting myself out here and i figured alot of my struggle is with my weight so i figured some of you can relate a little bit. the mental stuff is probably just me and my messed up childhood and genes. but i dont worry about it anymore. i am me, sara. :) ps kid is coming home in 10 minutes so i wont be online until dark. she had a good time with my aunts but was bored. lol. it was nice to be free and get some book writing done though.

 

Inner Struggles

 

I went to church last night without Gabby; she was in Kentucky on vacation with two of my aunts. I’ve actually been in a funk or valley for this entire year. I haven’t felt God’s presence more than a handful of times and I sit there oblivious in church, feeling nothing. Well, I had a breakthrough of sorts last night. It just felt like the heaviness was lifted and I was able to worship and feel God’s presence, like old times. When the worship part of service was basically over, the idea of this new chapter came to me and I realized I haven’t taken one chapter to explain my struggles, but rather many and in the process some of the ones that I don’t have a lot to say about are getting left out. Not only that, but this book is so long a person, including myself can forget what they’ve read/written up to now. So here goes nothing:

My inner struggles, or demons as some may call them, have basically haunted me my entire young adult life, at least. As I get older it almost feels as if they have a strangulation hold on my throat, refusing to let me breathe and therefore thrive. But as I lean on God in addition to learning more about myself as I think and write this book, I am learning that these struggles don’t define me as a person.

Just some of these obstacles I have been dealing with over my lifetime are my weight, self esteem, failures, religion/faith, shyness and introversion, depression and moods, anger, confrontations or lack thereof, criticism, love, jobs, and physical illness and attributes. I just figured it would be easier to list them off and then talk about them in more detail, so if you don’t agree – bear with me J.

When I think back to my childhood, I think the first demon I met was low self esteem or problems with my self esteem in general. My parents weren’t the most uplifting people in the world when I was a child, something I hope to change with Gabby but I refuse to place blame and overly criticize them; I know my mom tried and she did love me but she had an odd way of showing it. From a young age I remember feeling inadequate, almost afraid and the bigger I got: it worsened. When I was older I was able to put a label on my pain and realized my soul was suffering. I don’t know if it is because of traumatic or dramatic experiences or because I have such a poor memory, but I don’t have a lot of memories of my childhood. I can remember different houses we lived in and animals we had but true quality memories are lacking, even though I know I shared lots of time with Maegan. But I don’t consider that an inner struggle but what is, is the emotion connected to it: repressed memories, depression, and low self esteem. It almost seems like the things I truly want to block out from my mind are the memories that override all other recollections. Strange, at least in my opinion…

Anyways, the more weight I gained the worse my self esteem got. At first I didn’t see anything wrong with myself, but people are cruel and that changed very quickly especially with medical opinions concerning my heart condition. By the time I was a teenager, I was lost, alone, had put walls up to protect myself from everyone and stayed in my room alone every free moment I had. Almost a self fulfilling prophecy, as my self esteem corroded, my introversion and shyness multiplied. Even my dreams didn’t seem worth perusing because they were inadequate to some, and eventually they didn’t matter to me anymore either. So I got angry, and depressed. I turned my outlet to writing. At first it was stuff about God and Jesus and how amazing he is and how much I loved him, but by the time I could drive I was scaring people with my stories and thoughts of death and murder and how alone I was. I basically kept the really scary stuff hidden away from anyone, not that I thought I’d be admitted; I was too naïve for that. I was just a private person in a lonely world, or so I thought. I can remember so clearly how I felt and I never want to feel that way again. So when I hear pastor’s talk about how depression and dark thoughts are the product of sin, I get angry all over again because those feelings were so real to me and I did nothing to deserve them. It makes me wish that everyone would think and research before they speak to people. I mean, to literally affect what someone thinks by the way you treat them is a huge responsibility for people, pastor or not. But I guess the people who take things the wrong way are just assumed to be mental or have personality or people problems, which might be true but I only know what I’ve learned and what I feel, even at nearly thirty years old I’m not sure what to believe sometimes.  

So I got a little sidetracked, the main topic there was that I’ve had a hard time with my self esteem and it might have been due to the garbage I’ve been fed all my life by people in my life, if that makes sense. I knew I was loved, but I definitely didn’t feel that it was unconditional by anyone. Maybe that’s why I had such a distorted sense of love as I grew older. I nearly stalked a few boys I liked in middle school, leaving them notes and flowers and utterly embarrassing myself in every way possible. When I was older and we found a stronger church, I delved into the youth group full heartedly. I felt loved by my friends most of the time, and by God always. I always managed to fall in love with people who didn’t love me back, and I was almost always in “love" with someone. I had my first real relationship when I was about 17 years old, two of them. One of them became my high school sweetheart, whom I married and we have struggled to understand and love each other unconditionally, the way it should be. I can say now, about ten years later, that I’m close to the love I’ve always dreamt of. I didn’t have the dream wedding. I didn’t get the love notes, bedtime kisses, etc. But we’re growing together, up and out and our marriage in a million times stronger than what it was ten years ago.   

Concerning my weight: I remember when I was in 6^th grade I weighed 175 lbs, and then in 9^th I was about 215 (the heaviest I had ever been up to that point). I got a paper route one year with dad and lost at least thirty pounds. I felt great and looked great. I stayed around 175-200 lbs for a while then everyone started dying and the weight came back. I gained a little after grandma died, then went up several dress sizes my senior year after mom passed away. I really think that they say about depression making you gain weight is so true, but then again so medications will do it too so it seems like an impossible thing to get over being depressed. I told my mom I was depressed; I think it was before I started driving and she told me that kids don’t get depressed and if I still felt I was depressed she was going to take me to Belmont Pines and have me admitted. And you can’t go potty alone or shut your door or anything while you’re there. If I would have known they would have helped my sadness, anger, and hopelessness I think I would have went inside of being afraid of the hospital and in turn of mom now too.

 Unfortunately, I admit that I’ve taken my daughter there… not one of my finest moments, but what else can you do when your five year old stabs you with a pen until you start bleeding profusely over the entire living room? Obviously, mental health problems run in families and whether or not it is proven yet: I believe autism does too (unfortunately, she has both). I don’t hold it over her head saying if you’re sad you’ll go there: it’s more like if you’re out of control and going to hurt people then you need to go to a hospital if you can’t snap out of it because it’s not safe. And safety comes first. Perhaps if I told my mom that I wanted to die she would have been more forgiving, and then rushed me without a lecture there rather than teaching me to hide my emotions and literally and figuratively lock her out of my life.

I continued to gain weight caused mostly by emotional triggers as I mentioned, but now I weigh over 350 pounds. I was embarrassed to be 200 lbs, so you can only imagine how I feel now that I’m close to double that. One thing I will never understand is why, at my skinniest weight and smallest clothing size did I not feel like I was worth anything and felt “fat", wore baggy clothes to hide it, etc. I believe it’s in part due to the irrational medical opinion that someone who is 5 foot 4 should weigh 125 pounds. Ummm, no… rolls or not, 175 is completely “healthy" and not obese if you ask me. What is wrong with our world??  

As I am writing this, I realize I left out probably my first and strongest inner struggle: guilt. I can’t do anything without feeling guilty, although it’s getting better. Not that I’m getting immune, I am just learning to love myself. I have a really hard time making decisions, partly because I am afraid to make the wrong decision. So when I’m the happiest is when I take a long time to decide about what I want. I just assume they’re all related because when I make decisions hastily is when I get in “trouble". Sometimes even thinking long and hard about something leaves me with regret, but I think the problem was more that I didn’t know what I wanted. As I grow up and get ::cough:: older, I am definitely becoming aware not only of who I am but what I want.

 I am also finding out that these struggles are related and one seems to tip off another one to occur, like a snowball effect. But by loving myself, it lessens the effects of all of my struggles! I also notice that parenting has a lot to do with how I feel not only as a child but as an adult. I don’t know if I’ve always had personality or mental health problems or if parenting really does shape who we become, perhaps both. As a child advocate I argue the latter “fact", but I know I’ve had struggles of different kinds my entire life, which is what this chapter is essentially about. The other thing that makes it easier not to feel so guilty is that my biggest support system places no blame on me what so ever for anything, basically. I do enough of it on my own.  

For the most part my faith in God isn’t an inner struggle but with most things in my life it has extremes: either I’m a “good" Christian or a “bad" one. I don’t view it that way anymore but that’s the jist of the problem. I get hung up on my emotions and it disables me in all aspects of my life, that and I was only eight years old when I accepted him into my heart, and I don’t remember the event (but that’s talked about in my chapter on faith). I just wanted to explain that when I have so much pent up emotion either I can’t practice my faith or it makes it stronger. I still have this problem, obviously by the first paragraph of this chapter. I know I’m saved by the blood so I just try to battle my inner demons and technically my faith isn’t one but rather the emotions I struggle with are but it does affect how I peruse my faith which is why I labeled it as one for the sake of this chapter.

So when it comes to emotions, what do I feel? Intensity would be the one word I would pick. Everything is intense when I’m not on medication and sometimes even when I am. Other than being a sensitive child, my first run with strong emotions was anger. I used to punch people. Awful I know, and yes I’ve blocked a lot of that out too. And it was only my family members… just like it is with Gabby. Am I being repaid for the awful things I’ve done as a person? Wow. I try not to think like that but the similarities are astounding. Anyways, the next emotion to hit was depression and mood swings. I remember that my mother and I would have a good relationship every few months. I don’t know who was cycling: me or her or both of us. The main thing I remember in my life is depression. I was literally so depressed I wanted to do nothing. I don’t know what triggered the change. I refuse to think it was my Math class even though I have a mathematical disability. Like I said before, people went from calling me Smiley to Eeyore, although they were different people it was the same effect. Smiley built me up and Eeyore tore me down. I hated to be made fun of. I didn’t know what was wrong with me or why I was so sad. The demons were attacking, perhaps not literally… I am conditioned to think clearly whether or not I believe something for reasons of faith. I’m just not sure what I believe was wrong. I know genetics but so many people don’t want to hear that. When you know more than a dozen depression suffers and they’re all related to you, it doesn’t seem like coincidence anymore. I believed that I was worthless and hopeless and I was so sad, but I also thought I was better than my parents, whom I didn’t have that great a relationship with. So many moods, so much frustration and feelings I didn’t know what to do with. Although I don’t consider it the main struggle in my life anymore it still affects me. Partly because I remember what it felt like, and partly because I can’t shake the sadness even though I like my life.

Anxiety is another struggle I have, but I’m on medication for that too and haven’t had any flair ups to discuss. I guess you could say the root of the problem and true struggle is fear. I’ve been violated, abandoned, and robbed so many times I’ve come to expect it sometimes. I think part of it has to do with being raised by someone who you didn’t know what to expect, well really from either of them. Whether it was being laughed at, smacked, or spending quality time together… you just didn’t know, and I have a lot of scars inside from that. Some anxiety is because I always felt I had to perform perfectly. I don’t know where this notion came from because my mom told me that I only had to do as best as I could, but you should have seen them freak out over my first F and begged me to ask the teacher to retake the test. From what I remember he let lots of us retake and I got a C. Math just wasn’t my strongpoint and since I’m terrified of failure, or was, it makes for interesting experiences. I’d rather have 7 English classes… J I’m still that way, but I try to keep the anxiety under bay. And social anxiety and school jitters… those are horrible. I guess I could be called a wall flower, I just kept to myself and preferred not to be anywhere with lots of people, and if I was I was usually by a wall or corner. I hated social situations and I still do. Sometimes I still get belly aches or sickness like that on the first day of classes. They start again in a few weeks and I’m not looking forward to that feeling.

Not only does failure feel like a ticking time bomb inside me mentally speaking leaving me frazzled and depressed, but I struggle with criticism and rejection as well. I had this problem more as a teenager than adult, but I still avoid confrontations and always have. I just don’t care to hear what anyone has to say if it’s going to damage the way I see myself, which is something that happens so easily to me. Yes I have a strong side and it’s the side of myself I like better and if I could live anywhere, it’d be in that strong side. But it’s not always feasible, especially when I am writing this book since I have to dig through memories and emotions whether I want to or not. I have good news though: I’ve been strong for at least two weeks straight. I feel great, happy, motivated, in control of myself and like this strong side is finally beating up the sad weak one. Obviously I forced this strong side out when it came to my psych evaluation at Cleveland Clinic, and she saw the real me. If that even is the “real" me, maybe a better word would be true me. I’ve gotten so adjusted to being sad that I forgot who I am, or it happens in spurts: hence the mood problems and cycling. I will say this about my moods though, I am in more control now of them than I can ever remember being and that excites me. I have more stress, but I also feel more in control and I’ve learned to keep the people who hurt me away from me as much as I physically can. And when I can’t do it psychically, I can do it mentally. I don’t have to let people control my thoughts: that’s my job. Although I am such a sensitive person and take things so personal, something I am still working on curbing to this day.

I mentioned jobs and physical problems as part of my inner struggles but I think the only reason I listed them and feel that way is because they trigger the real problems to exist. Diabetes makes me feel hopeless of ever controlling my diet, which brings weight problems to surface stronger and my moods affect how I can handle and hold down a job. My longest job was 2 ½ years and I could barely stand to go to work because I was victimized by certain managers.

Basically this chapter is about mental health issues, but clearly these inner struggles have affected my life and the person I am now and I refuse to downplay their affect on my life. After all they teach us in school that nature and nurture are forces not to be reckoned with and have lasting impressions, for children especially. I also know first-hand the many experiences and identity issues that teenagers go through and it makes it much more difficult if your true father’s identity has been kept a secret your entire life. I know my experiences in life have influenced who I am but that I ultimately control my thoughts and attitudes and their outcomes in my life. And it has taken a long time for me to learn this lesson, in fact we’ve pinpointed in our marriage and by watching my spirals that I’ve only learned this lesson this year, quite possibly only within the last few months or weeks.

So I have inner struggles; we all do. That makes me no different than the next person but how I handle these situations does make me unlike others that can handle their life full force. “It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap" are some lyrics from the song Defying Gravity re-sung by Glee Cast that I feel apply to this situation, as I have a mini-jam-fest as I type this last paragraph to this chapter. Nowadays, those lyrics ring true in my heart from my fondest desires and wishes for a normal life that I strive for. But what exactly is a normal life? I feel I’m there, aside from my violent screaming child who thinks she rules the roast.  Giving, I am too giving… I need to learn to put my foot down and say I love you but this is how it’s going to be (but we’ve tried that with little success, and that’s a topic for an upcoming chapter on parenting). So I’ve learned so much as I’ve written this chapter, about myself, my struggles, why I feel and think the way I do, as well as repressed memories of my childhood that I’ve never shared with my husband until now. But what I’ve learned that is the most promising is that apart from needing some help with my emotions, I’m capable, loving, and have worth to which I can share with the world. Everyone has struggles and they don’t need to define us.   

Sara, thanks for sharing. You talk of things that have affected many of us in our pasts too. Be confident in yourself and your ability to change your life to the utmost health you can. Hugs

Wow... thats a lot of pain and negative emotion that you have shouldered most of your life. As kathy said, much of this others of us can relate to. Whether personally or via someone in our lives.

You are right. The hard times and negative emotions do not need to define us. But far too many people let it. Your awareness and ability to recognize much of this, is going to be the key to breaking out of these old mindsets and finding some peace with it all.

Thanks for sharing so deeply. I know it must have taken a lot to open up so much.

Have a wonderful day.

thank you. yeah it did, but i figured i'd said i'd post it  so i did. sometimes i think i make moutains out of molehills because i am so sensitive, but i just wrote what my inner struggles felt like to me. i've definetly grown up alot over this past year, and even more just by writing this chapter.