Bariatric Buddy
joke
Labrador Retrievers
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a ****** I **** on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself -- I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Back
EXPERIENCE WITHOUT REFLECTION IS HOLLOW
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."
The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!
You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
Come visit us at the bariatric buddy group http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/bariatricbuddy/welcome
Patrece
JUST DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING!
Obesity Help Support Group Leader & Coach
http://www.obesityhelp.com/group/bariatricbuddy
Lost 114 lbs. working on getting rid of a recent 10 lb regain...and WILL succeed!