Preparing for Your Mammogram

 

---

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

1. Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
2. Strip to the waist.
3. Invite a stranger into the room.
4. Place one bookend on each side of your breast.
5. Press the bookends together as hard as you can.
6. Repeat steps 1-5 on the other breast.
7. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again.

 

---

Exercise No. 2:

1. Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.
2. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
3. Hold that position for five seconds.
4. Don't breathe.
5. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
6. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

 

---

Exercise No. 3:

1. Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees).
2. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car.
3. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled
4. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

 

---

Ohhhhhhhh this one got an out and out laugh from me... I especially like #3... it sounds about right!  hehehehee  Lovin it! (Hate the procedure tho)

The Perfect Mate

young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
      
      The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
      
      "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
      
      The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
      
      The results read, "Buy a television."