The Scotsman

One day an English group of 10000 soldiers is marching towards Scotland, to conquer her borders. The commander of the English army was ahead of the marching soldiers on horseback when he saw a lone Scotsman on top of the hill that they were approaching. He asked an officer if he saw an other Scotsmen but the officer shook his head no. The commander decided to ignore the lone Scotsman and continue marching. When they were within earshot the Scotsman stuck his clamor into the ground, in front of him, and began yelling at the English commander. "Bloody English. You couldn't kill a damn cow if it was on the chopping block. Go home before I have to go and really satisfy your wives!"

With that the Scotsman raised the front of his kilt and began shaking his penis at the English. The commander, offended by this, twenty five of his best soldiers to kill the lone Scotsman. The men ran up the hill and the Scotsman ducked behind the other side of the hill. There was much screaming and then the Scotsman appeared on the top of the hill again. "Is that the best you can do? I bet that these men's wives will be lonely so if you don't mind I must get going towards London now to satisfy them." With that the Scotsman began to make faces at the English and flipped them the bird. The commander fuming told the officer to send fifty of his soldiers to the top of the hill and kill the Scotsman, but he wanted his heart now.

Fifty blood lusted soldiers ran up the hill and began screaming as they neared the Scots man. The Scotsman again ducked behind the other side of the hill and the sounds of battle were heard. Once again the Scotsman returned to the top of the hill intact and cleaning his blade. He smiled at the commander and then screamed "I am going to have a fun time tonight. All those women, such little time"

The commander got very angered at the insolence of this lone Scotsman and ordered one hundred soldiers up the hill. The Scotsman disappeared behind the hill and again the sounds of battle emerged. The Scotsman reappeared and began screaming obscenities at the commander.

This little procedure continued until the command was down to only 1000 men. With one swift command he ordered the last 1000 men up the hill to kill the damn Scotsman. After hours of combat he saw a single English soldier emerge on top of the hill. He was missing a leg and a hand, but he managed to crawl down the hill. The commander looked down at the soldiers pulped body and got him some water. After drinking the water the soldier said "Be careful, it's an ambush. There's two of 'em."

Area 51

You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"