Could Just Kick myself!

Don't worry, my posts won't be this long again. :)

Hi everyone. I am very, very down in the dumps today and have been for quite a while.
   Today is exactly 5 years since my surgery and I am up 30lbs. It will be the first time since surgery that I will have to sit on my bed and agonize on what to wear this summer because nothing fits or looks well on me anymore.
   I used to walk 3-4 miles a day, every day, while pushing a double stroller with my Grandkids in it at times. It didn't matter if it was warm or cold out because I had made a committment to myself and it felt damn good. My husband of 34 yrs. cheered me on every step of the way.
   This all tapered off about 7 months ago. My 3yr. old granddaughter thought that she was too big for a stroller and it was too much of a hassle. (Very weak excuse and I admit it.) I even tried to walk before they came in the morning but it just didn't pan out.
   I loved the children with all my heart & soul, however, it is taking a toll on me because there is no "me time" any more. I am trying to make my daughter & her husband's life a little bit easier while they work.
   One evening after an exceptionally hard day with them and after they went home I opened a bottle of wine (I hate wine lol) & that was the beginning of the end for me. The 1st sip took away all the anxiety right down to my toes. Soon not only was I enjoying a drink or two, but eating cheddar goldfish snacks with it - lots & lots of goldfish! We are talking about a post op who wouldn't even touch bread before this. I am spiraling down with little motivation.
**Today has got to be my fresh new start.
   -I don't know if I have a drinking problem, but if I have to question it, then I probaby do or it is becoming one. This is not why I am here. 
   -I know what well meaning folks will want to say abou****ching my Grandkids and I'm working on it. I was brutally honest with my daughter & she is looking at pre-school for the toddler about 2 days a week.
   -The only thing that I am really proud of myself is that I still have not touched a cigarette in 6 yrs. That vice would send me right over the edge. Lol. I mean, I 'm self sabotaging every other aspect of my life - so why not.

I will work on fixing this TODAY - one hour at a time. So here it goes:

Am-                      2 cups of coffee w/splenda and ffmilk.
Breakfast             2 turkey sausage patties
Lunch -      1/2 can of tuna in water, side salad w/half tspn of balsamic
                  vinegar, 1 oz. of jarred red roasted peppers.
Dinner-       Garden veggie burger, salad, no bread
Snack-         Pineapple chunks in their own juice. 1 serving
Had lots & lots of water today. Did not exercise, but maybe tomorrow. No wine for me.

I understand completely.  We all sacrifice ourselves for the love of our children and grandchildren.  You know the first step is always the hardest.  By getting your food back on track and getting away from the wine, you are taking a very big step in taking back control.  You can do this.  At this point, don't worry about walking everyday.  Walk on Saturday and Sunday.  Get a couple of large balls for you and the grandchildren and roll and kick them in the back yard for 30 minutes a day.  You will be surprise how much exercise you will get doing that.  Today is the first day of Spring and a great day to take back control of yourself.  You are worth it.  For today, just keep your eye on your goal.  Don't drink with your meals, eat what your journaled and don't think about tomorrow or next week, just make it through today.  I wish you great success and if you stumble, shake it off and start again in the next hour.  Come back here and check in or just lurk but keep yourself #1.

What a difference your response made in my life today. Thank you & I am going to try-really try.

Tess can I loose weight taking in 50 or less net carbs a day?

Hey no worries.  We here do understand. 

It's been about 9 months since I brought a bottle of wine into my home.  It was one of the triggers that told me I was getting out of control and the weight gain was there as well.  It all came down to me making a new friend, and when that freindship went left I had to look at myself.  We would go out to dinner twice a week and talked almost everynight and I would have a glass of wine in hand and often refilled somewhere doing the conversation. 

And I hadn't drank that much since before I had my RNY almost 12 years ago.  I got comfortable, I stop working out every night after work to bar hopping with my new freind eatting way to much and just hanging out.  Right before a trip with them to Vegas everything came to a head.  I saw things from them I didn't like and I started see thing in myself I didn't care for, so I missed the flight and cut off the freindship cold and cut out the drinking.  Since, that was easy since it only took one drink to get me off my game.  All the drinking, wine, fried foods I reached and all time weight high of 224 from my maintained weight of 180 for years. 

And since October I began working on me, I failed a few times and started over more times than I would to mentioned I found this group from someone on the main forums and since November I down to 198.6 pounds 19 pounds from my goal.  I am glad they are here.  I lurked this site for months and learned a lot from those who do post daily. 

I am glad you're here.

How relieved I am to know that I am not alone in feeling ashamed of myself. For today, I am BACK ON TRACK. Thank you all for being so kind.

Congratulations on getting yourself here, holding yourself accountable and getting back on track!

Great job putting the wine down as well. I can easily get caught up in having a glass or two a couple nights a week myself. Now I only save it for the weekend, and not every weekend. Im really trying to get the rest of the weight off and that isnt helping.

I agree with Tess...get some activities you can do with the kids. Kick a soccer ball around a little. Are they big enough to ride bikes? That could be lots of fun! I got my out of shape, chain smoking, 70something mom on a bike and she looked so happy! You could tell she was having a blast.

Wow, I never realized how a good number of post ops like their little glasses of wine. Hmmm. Thanks for responding. The ridiculous thing is how I gave myself a pat on the back for not having beer because we were told not to have carbonation. It's so easy to justify crazy thoughts.

Welcome to the group.
You are a smart woman. You saw what is going, make no excuses and started with action plan.

we all have good days and bad days.  Wine or other drinks is my issue also:  I never had a problem with alcohol before RNY  but after RNY when I started having some wine again - not only I felt like I "need it" to relax, but no real hangover do not make me think that I am doing anything wrong.  After all - I could eat more while I was drinking.. (as I got to a point that I needed to eat more to stop losing, and hernia and horrible pains got better if I had a glass of wine or some brandy... )

I gained 30 lbs.. 15 more than intended. Now - I gave up the alcohol.. (most days - weeks, still may have some once in a while),cleaned my diet, and lost 10 lbs.  Still may want to (not sure I need to) lose 5- 10 lbs, but now I work hard to maintain while working with my post op RNY RH (reactive Hypoglycemia).

one day at a time.. one step in front of another.

I didn't see your post from yesterday. Thanks for the welcome.
Minus the alcohol, there might be some wt. loss in it for me. Hoping anyhow. Eating is another ball game. Lol - started on Monday & it feels like a month to me already! Good luck with all that you need to do for yourself.