Grrrr...........CRASH!

What is that on my subject line?  That is the sound of my fat ass FALLING off the wagon.  No, not falling...literally flinging myself headfirst off the wagon.  Man oh man...

As you all know, I did the 5-Day Pouch Test last week and it was a major success.  This weekend, I lightened up on the reigns and gained 1 lb back but I was not surprised.  If I am not PERFECT, I ALWAYS gain....there is no forgiveness with my body.  But I was so pleased that I still netted an 8 lb. loss.

Then came Valentine's Day.  First of all, the story of St. Valentine is depressing as hell so I say we do away with the whole damn holiday! ;)  I decided to stick to an all protein diet for a while to continue with the de-carbing. I am not being nearly as strict as during the 5-Day test...but it is still not the easiest lifestyle to maintain.

Started off the morning good yesterday.  Had my 3 oz. of chicken for breakfast...half my protein vial for snack (this nasty vial is pivotal to my daily success...USUALLY, if I drink it, I don't stray during the day because it is SO gross that, if I subject myself to drinking it, I don't want to jeapordize the day).  Then guess what happened...go ahead...guess.

Special delivery for Jersey Mom from her loving husband.  A DOZEN chocolate covered strawberries from Shari's Berries.  I was, like, "Oh sh*****"

My internal struggle was INTENSE.  I debated immediately handing them out to co-workers until there were none left.  And my husband would not have minded...he ordered these before I even thought of doing the 5-Day test.  Well, as you ALL know by now...I lost the struggle.  And I lost is BAD.  When all was said and done?  I ATE 6 OF THE STRAWBERRIES!  SIX!  Then, for dinner?  I HAD PIZZA.  A big, honkin' slice of pizza.  After dinner, I felt MISERABLE.  Sooo sick...and I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.  And I was happy about that because I felt like I deserved to feel like crap for what I did.  Oh...and I also jammed in a huge handful of peanuts RIGHT BEFORE BED for good measure.  And 2 Skittles. 

Is there a light in all this darkness? Yes.  In the past, a day like yesterday would flip my switch back to the OFF position.  I would pack it in and continue the binging madness.  But, today, I packed my chicken and my nasty protein vial and I am back in business!

I also did NOT weigh myself.  Some might assume it is because I don't want to be held accountable.  But that is not the case.  If stepped on that scale this morning and I saw a big gain (which is guaranteed...I know my body...again...it is unforgiving)...I think it would end my being BOT.  So, for now, I will keep on keeping on!!  My goal is to lose 2 lbs per wee****il I reach goal.  I think that is achievable, right?

So there is my confession...hope I did not bore you too much!

Have a successful day!

Jersey Mom

(((HUGS))) I will give you one HUGE KICK  for just one thing you said here... Just one...
"my fat ass" 
PLEASEEEEE.. stop putting yourself down... there is enough people out there to put you down... (bet you can name a few)...
OK - so you did not have a good diet day... but you still did great. 
1. you shared love with others... (give away the strawberries)
2. you only ate 6!!! for goodness sake... it is not 16 or 60... It is fruit, and chocolate.  More fruit that chocolate.  Both are good for you in moderation.  6 is moderation.  Get over it.  don't do that every day - but once in a while -it is actually a great treat -cheat... 
3. pizza - well.. you gave in... and you felt horrible... that is also great... IMO 

I LIKE when I feel horrible when I eat something that I know is not good for me. 
When I eat something that I should not - I remember how sick I felt after I ate that. you .. run over that in my mind over and over... feel the nausea or any other sick feeling, or pain or disgust I had after.  And dwell on that.  I use that as a toll next time I am faced with that food - and hope my body will remember - and my head - so next time - I will not eat that because "I can't - it is not on diet (poor me... bwah..... )"

But hopefully I am going to think  "I can't eat that, not because it is not on my diet, but because I don't want to, because if I did it will make me feel sick... , and I rather eat food that I will enjoy and feel good (physically and mentally) after I do. or I rather not eat anything than suffer like that".  


The peanuts - are actually great... I eat them all the time.   They provide fiber, and fat and proteins.  and help with my BM... and keep my BS stable.   (and if I don't chew them well enough - I know I really don't digest or absorb much of what is in them anyway - my body use them as "fiber")

PLEASE... don't verbally abuse you and your body... we deal (lot of us anyway) with so much body dis-morphia...and it is so hard to get over that.  And that goes together with
"I know I am fat (since told myself that so many times) - so what's the use..." 

Compared to what you did the week before.. . yea... you went off the diet... but not very much and not very far... and today, you are back on track...
(((HUGS)))

Thank you SO much for your post....Hala?  Is that your name?  Tess mentioned the name below...if so, it is pretty!

Thank you for the reminder kick!  I always appreciate huge kicks when there is caring behind them!  :)

You really did make me feel better about yesterday.  I was trying not to beat myself up too much about it but I did get a little bummed each time I thought about it...and the seemingly neverending struggle!

But I appreciate your response a LOT...and will actually take your peanut advice and maybe eat a little more.  Since I started the 5-Day Pouch test, my system is WAY off and I don't...well, GO very often!!  Maybe the peanuts will help.

Thank you for your help in reminding me that I should not beat myself too much longer about this!

BIG hugs,
Jersey Mom

 Hala said it best!  Tomorrow is gone and a new start has begun.  Forgive and move on!!!!

Thank you, Tess!  You are right...today is a new day. So far, I have done well...no cheating at all!!  Here's hoping I can keep it up!

Hugs!