Back On Track Together
Feeling very bummed out
Hey guys,
I thought I would come here and vent/throw a pity party because I know you all understand where I am coming from. I am new to this board and to being back on track. I have been BOT for a week and I have lost 4 lbs and I am eating really well. I should be totally happy but tonight I am feeling very down. My sister had RNY this past summer and has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. She is way smaller than I ever was. She went through her closet and sent 4 huge tubs of clothes to me, my mom and sister to go through. They range in sizes from 13-22 (she is currently a 7-9...after 7 months...grrrr). I pulled out some things because I am starting a more professional job in a few months and I need work clothes. But it bummed me out so bad going through her old things. I am so mad at myself for the weight I have gained. I feel like such a failure. Intellectually I know that the fact that I lost over 150 lbs is amazing! But I seem to forget about all of that and focus on the 35 pounds I gained back. I got down to a size 12 and today size 16 is snug. Again, I know that 35 pounds isn't the end of the world but it feels so bad. I am so ashamed of myself. I just want to cry right now. But what good does that do me? Nothing. I gained the weight but I am actively working to take it off. I just get so down sometimes. I know I should go work out right now to perk myself up but I kinda want to sit on the couch and drink a cup of coffee and pout. I need to cut myself some slack and keep doing what I am doing. The weight will come off if I stay on track. I need to trust my body and my heart that I can get to my goal weight of 160 (secretly its 150 but I feel like that is unreachable without starvation and hours at the gym. I am not up for that. Hell I would be happy at 175. I felt good in my skin in a 12 and 178 lbs). I just want to feel good in my skin again. I want my clothes to fit again. I want to stop feeling like a fat slob all the time. I was the fat frumpy sister for basically my entire life and I had about a year where I was the thinnest one, but that is gone now too. I weigh a couple pounds less than my youngest sister but she is 4 inchs taller than I am. I was whining about this in therapy and my therapist told me I am choosing to be the fat frumpy sister. She is right. I made the choice to put crap in my mouth and stop working out. I choose to dress in jeans and a sweatshirt almost everyday. I just get in such a funk and it seems to snowball. It also doesn't help that I am bipolar so my brain naturally works against me at times. Luckily I am pretty well controlled on meds but I have my days. Apparently today is one of them. So what to do now? Honestly I think some quiet time on the couch with some coffee watching that new TLC show My 600 lb life will probably make me feel better. I think I will also look through some of my old pictures and remind myself how far I have come...and I'm going to dye my hair tonight for a little style picker-uper. Thank you for listening/reading. I know that you all have felt the way I have at some point and that makes me feel less alone and that you guys don't judge me for my struggle. I feel like everyone knows I have gained weight and talk behind my back and I know my sister who had the surgery judges me. Oh well, that is their issues not mine. I think people are always looking for others to fail so they can feel less ****ty about themselves. Ok, off to dye my hair...Thanks again guys!
Kriste
BTW another awesome thing happened today. I got an interview at a practi****ite that I really want to work at!!! I am heading into my last year of my Master's program so it is time to do my MFT trainee work. I will actually get to start counseling people! I sent my resume this am and by 3 I had an interview! Very exciting!!!
I thought I would come here and vent/throw a pity party because I know you all understand where I am coming from. I am new to this board and to being back on track. I have been BOT for a week and I have lost 4 lbs and I am eating really well. I should be totally happy but tonight I am feeling very down. My sister had RNY this past summer and has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. She is way smaller than I ever was. She went through her closet and sent 4 huge tubs of clothes to me, my mom and sister to go through. They range in sizes from 13-22 (she is currently a 7-9...after 7 months...grrrr). I pulled out some things because I am starting a more professional job in a few months and I need work clothes. But it bummed me out so bad going through her old things. I am so mad at myself for the weight I have gained. I feel like such a failure. Intellectually I know that the fact that I lost over 150 lbs is amazing! But I seem to forget about all of that and focus on the 35 pounds I gained back. I got down to a size 12 and today size 16 is snug. Again, I know that 35 pounds isn't the end of the world but it feels so bad. I am so ashamed of myself. I just want to cry right now. But what good does that do me? Nothing. I gained the weight but I am actively working to take it off. I just get so down sometimes. I know I should go work out right now to perk myself up but I kinda want to sit on the couch and drink a cup of coffee and pout. I need to cut myself some slack and keep doing what I am doing. The weight will come off if I stay on track. I need to trust my body and my heart that I can get to my goal weight of 160 (secretly its 150 but I feel like that is unreachable without starvation and hours at the gym. I am not up for that. Hell I would be happy at 175. I felt good in my skin in a 12 and 178 lbs). I just want to feel good in my skin again. I want my clothes to fit again. I want to stop feeling like a fat slob all the time. I was the fat frumpy sister for basically my entire life and I had about a year where I was the thinnest one, but that is gone now too. I weigh a couple pounds less than my youngest sister but she is 4 inchs taller than I am. I was whining about this in therapy and my therapist told me I am choosing to be the fat frumpy sister. She is right. I made the choice to put crap in my mouth and stop working out. I choose to dress in jeans and a sweatshirt almost everyday. I just get in such a funk and it seems to snowball. It also doesn't help that I am bipolar so my brain naturally works against me at times. Luckily I am pretty well controlled on meds but I have my days. Apparently today is one of them. So what to do now? Honestly I think some quiet time on the couch with some coffee watching that new TLC show My 600 lb life will probably make me feel better. I think I will also look through some of my old pictures and remind myself how far I have come...and I'm going to dye my hair tonight for a little style picker-uper. Thank you for listening/reading. I know that you all have felt the way I have at some point and that makes me feel less alone and that you guys don't judge me for my struggle. I feel like everyone knows I have gained weight and talk behind my back and I know my sister who had the surgery judges me. Oh well, that is their issues not mine. I think people are always looking for others to fail so they can feel less ****ty about themselves. Ok, off to dye my hair...Thanks again guys!
Kriste
BTW another awesome thing happened today. I got an interview at a practi****ite that I really want to work at!!! I am heading into my last year of my Master's program so it is time to do my MFT trainee work. I will actually get to start counseling people! I sent my resume this am and by 3 I had an interview! Very exciting!!!
Hi Kristie,
Well...we are all here for the same reason. You had surgery on your belly, not your brain. STOP, compairing yourself to your sister or you'll never lose the weight. You sound like a smart lady, get yourself back to the basics, get your butt out for a walk or to the gym. Stop wearing sweats and start wearing make-up and getting your hair done. Take some pride in yourself, not your sister. Look at what you've accomplished. You're in your last year for your Masters, you have an upcoming interview that you really want. You CAN do this!!!
Good Luck on the interview!
Deb
Well...we are all here for the same reason. You had surgery on your belly, not your brain. STOP, compairing yourself to your sister or you'll never lose the weight. You sound like a smart lady, get yourself back to the basics, get your butt out for a walk or to the gym. Stop wearing sweats and start wearing make-up and getting your hair done. Take some pride in yourself, not your sister. Look at what you've accomplished. You're in your last year for your Masters, you have an upcoming interview that you really want. You CAN do this!!!
Good Luck on the interview!
Deb
Kriste:
I could have written this in my journal 9 months ago. The shame of it all is that we can not blame anyone but ourselves. We did it, we own it. I got tired of living in my fat suit once again and called it quits. I took my life back in control and show it that I am in the drivers seat not my snacking. You can do this too. Tell your sister what a great job she has done, thank her for the clothes and let her know that you don't plan to stay in the long and if she continues to lose weight that you want those 9's that she is sporting. love yourself and remember that you rock. My daughter is finishing her Masters next month in Chemistry and I know what stress does to her, so I know what stress is doing to you. Hang in there, you are definitely worth it!
I could have written this in my journal 9 months ago. The shame of it all is that we can not blame anyone but ourselves. We did it, we own it. I got tired of living in my fat suit once again and called it quits. I took my life back in control and show it that I am in the drivers seat not my snacking. You can do this too. Tell your sister what a great job she has done, thank her for the clothes and let her know that you don't plan to stay in the long and if she continues to lose weight that you want those 9's that she is sporting. love yourself and remember that you rock. My daughter is finishing her Masters next month in Chemistry and I know what stress does to her, so I know what stress is doing to you. Hang in there, you are definitely worth it!
Tess
Starting Wt 306; Losing Wt 155; Goal Wt 145: Regain Wt 225; Current Wt 157
PS: FDL Tummy Tuck, Hernia Repair 5/17/12, TT Revision, Butt and Thigh Lift 4/18/13
Hey Kriste:
Wow...this is a page right out of my own life!! And the similarities ares striking! All my life I was the fat sister (I am the youngest of 3 girls). I was the tallest, by far, but the fattest (by far!). My middle sister, who I used to be best friends with, got heavy after her kids and, while she was really big, she was nowhere near my size. My oldest sister was always the thinnest but she kept herself thin by REALLY unhealthy means (pills, laxatives, etc.). She is no longer thin but she is not obese.
In 2006 I had WLS and, within a year, became the thin sister. And, you know, I made the same mistake YOUR sister made. I kept giving my middle sister old clothes. I found out, through my Mom, that I was REALLY offending her by doing that and, when I thought about it, I felt awful for doing it. It was really a kick in the ass to her. Although I offered the clothes for practical reasons, she took it as, "Here are the fat clothes I don't fit in, anymore, lard ass!" My weight loss took a HUGE hit on our friendship (she and I were the very best of friends).
So then over the past year and a half, I gained a lot of weight (again, similarly to you, about 35 lbs!!). And guess what happened? My middle sister LOST a ton of weight (without WLS). And I find myself resentful of HER because it is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. Aside from stupidly giving her my clothes, I NEVER talked about my weight loss with her because it shredded her.
The bottom line here is...I feel EXACTLY as you do! On the weekends, all I ever wear is a pair of old sweats and a men's flannel nightshirt. If I happen to go out on errands, I will wear jeans and a sweatshirt. I rarely wear makeup and often don't even do my hair, anymore. I just want to be a slug and curl up in a ball and sleep for a LONG time. Oh! And I suffer from depression, as well.
So, yes, you and I both need to pull ourselves up from our bootstraps! We can do it!!
GOOD LUCK on your interview!!
Jersey Mom
PS...if you want a BOT buddy, we seem to have a lot in common...send me a message and maybe we can support one another!
Wow...this is a page right out of my own life!! And the similarities ares striking! All my life I was the fat sister (I am the youngest of 3 girls). I was the tallest, by far, but the fattest (by far!). My middle sister, who I used to be best friends with, got heavy after her kids and, while she was really big, she was nowhere near my size. My oldest sister was always the thinnest but she kept herself thin by REALLY unhealthy means (pills, laxatives, etc.). She is no longer thin but she is not obese.
In 2006 I had WLS and, within a year, became the thin sister. And, you know, I made the same mistake YOUR sister made. I kept giving my middle sister old clothes. I found out, through my Mom, that I was REALLY offending her by doing that and, when I thought about it, I felt awful for doing it. It was really a kick in the ass to her. Although I offered the clothes for practical reasons, she took it as, "Here are the fat clothes I don't fit in, anymore, lard ass!" My weight loss took a HUGE hit on our friendship (she and I were the very best of friends).
So then over the past year and a half, I gained a lot of weight (again, similarly to you, about 35 lbs!!). And guess what happened? My middle sister LOST a ton of weight (without WLS). And I find myself resentful of HER because it is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. Aside from stupidly giving her my clothes, I NEVER talked about my weight loss with her because it shredded her.
The bottom line here is...I feel EXACTLY as you do! On the weekends, all I ever wear is a pair of old sweats and a men's flannel nightshirt. If I happen to go out on errands, I will wear jeans and a sweatshirt. I rarely wear makeup and often don't even do my hair, anymore. I just want to be a slug and curl up in a ball and sleep for a LONG time. Oh! And I suffer from depression, as well.
So, yes, you and I both need to pull ourselves up from our bootstraps! We can do it!!
GOOD LUCK on your interview!!
Jersey Mom
PS...if you want a BOT buddy, we seem to have a lot in common...send me a message and maybe we can support one another!
Height: 5'10"
Current BMI: 27.5 (Overweight)
Congratulation on the job!!!
As for the weight - it is good your realize you need to pay attention to it. Better now than another 10 or more lbs.
You know you can do it. And you are determine enough to do it. Pitty party - once in a while is OK (IMO) - as long as that motivate you to action.
As for the weight - it is good your realize you need to pay attention to it. Better now than another 10 or more lbs.
You know you can do it. And you are determine enough to do it. Pitty party - once in a while is OK (IMO) - as long as that motivate you to action.
Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG
"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"
"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."
I am so with you right now on feeling like I just want to curl up on the couch. Even though I have only gained 10 lbs I feel so bad about it. I also have depression so that doesn't help when I am down in the dumps about gaining weight. I took control back today. Started back on my protein and water. I can only control 1 day at a time and today was a good day.
Deborah
Deborah
Height 5'6" HW 255/SW 229/CW170
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