Introduction

Hi everyone! My name is Jenny, and I'm here because I need help just learning how to care about myself again.

I had RNY in March 2007 and I lost 190 pounds. Kept it off easily for well over 2.5 years and then disaster struck when my husband was diagnosed with late stage metastasized cancer in October 2009. For a while I did fine, probably because I was too busy with chemo schedules and juggling everything that I just didn't really notice anything that had to do with my weight. It became apparent that I had to find work shortly after his diagnoses so I did what was probably the worst thing I could, and went to work as a baker for Dunkin' Donuts (needed something - anything - that was overnight so I could care for my husband and 5 year old daughter during the day).

I really thought I would be ok - I mean I had well over 2 years of living as a post-op under my belt, but eventually the stress got hold and I started binge eating at work. I would cry and frost donuts at the same time, and then shove them into my mouth to shut my brain off. Eventually I quit working there in early 2010 (mainly because my husband was about to undergo a very invasive surgery to remove all of his lymph nodes) and it's been downhill ever since. I just can't seem to care anymore about anything that has to do with my health. I feel like such a fraud - because at one time I actually thought I could get through this unscathed and not use food against myself. Boy was I wrong.

So, regain. Yes, I have regain. But I don't care about regain. I knew I would regain throughout my life and I know I can get it off again. What concerns me is the not caring part. I'm so indifferent to following the rules and actually sticking to a gameplan that I'm scared. I start the day new, screw up, and just binge eat the rest of the day with plans to start fresh again the next day. That's what got me over 400 pounds in the first place. I feel so far gone. And it is such a desperate feeling.

So here I am. Waiting for someone to tell me something magical so I can actually care again. But I know deep in my heart that nobody has that kind of power. I have to find it myself. And I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. In some regards, I feel worse off when it comes to food that pre-op because I actually cared about what I did before. Now, I could seriously care less. Ugh. I feel so overwhelmed that I don't even want to try anymore. What happened to the person I had become? I felt so strong and able to fight my food demons because I was in control. Now I feel like a puppet to them again. It's a very sad day here, indeed.

Thanks for listening. Any input is appreciated, for I am beyond desperate.

Jenny

Jenny,
First  - let me give you a (((( HUG )))).  then a smack.   You are a strong woman - that deals with a lot of issues right now.   It is overwhelming - I get it - but - that is not the reason to break all the rules an add to more stress.  Emotional eating is hard habit to break, on top pf carbs addiction. 

First - you need to decarb - then - make sure you have healthy snacks everywhere with you - carrots, celery, etc.  you can still get  "stuffed" with food when you absolutely have to - but make it good choices.  overeating and eating the wrong stuff - only adds guilt  and adds to your stress.   As you wrote - you have a very young daughter - if not changing your eating habits for you - how  about for her?  "child learns based on parents action".  If your health and life is not worth enough to change what you  do - how about the health and life of your daughter?  don't you love her enough?   She already has one very ill parent - and you are working to be another?  who is going to take care of her if you get sick?  And love her as much as you do?   

Sorry to be hard on you - but - you asked for it.  You may need professional help with dealing with all that...  or do you have a close friend - a family member you can openly talk to, so that you can unload some of the emotions and not eat them up? 

more and more (((( WARM HUGS ))) and wishes. 

Hi Jenny!   

I have missed you sweet lady.  I am so sorry that you have been having such a tough time, but I know you are a very strong and caring woman.  First of all,  please stop being so very hard on yourself.  You have always been so very supportive of others when they have lost their way, so please, please start showing yourself some of the same compassion you  have so freely shown others. 

You have always been such an advocate about balance, so your first step should be to introduce more balance in your life.  Why not get back to the basics, the same basics that worked for you earlier.  Jenny you can do this, you have and will continue to do hard things.

This forum is a forum of very supportive people.  You have taken the first step by coming here.

We are here for you.  You are worth it.              

Sounds like you are suffering from major depression, that feeling that nothing matters. This makes sense when you look at all you are dealing with.
You may want to consider trying anti depressants to deal with the mood problem and then work on what you want for your daughter. Her dad is very ill, do you want her mom to be ill as well?
If you don't take care of you, who will be there for her?
You have done an amazing thing losing 190 lbs. No one will ever take that way from you.

You are over stressed and should try to do some relaxation maybe with your daughter. Yoga can be fun.
Make a list of things other than food that make you feel relaxed and comforted. Use these as often as you can to reduce the stress and emotional need that helps drive the binging.
You have done it before and you can do it.
Take care of yourself
You are important

Thanks, all. I needed to take a couple days to digest everything you said. It's all true, and you made very valid points. I'll get through this too. I just need to keep hanging on.

Thanks again!

Jen

Hi Jen,

My problem is very similar in that my husband had to have a liver transplant and I spent 2 1/2 years concentrating on taking care of him. 
When he recovered, I suddenly felt I had no value anymore, nothing to do, no one to take care of.
I fell into a deep depression and just sat or slept most of the time and have gained back 30 lbs.
  I am not sure what woke me up, but I finally talked to a friend about how I felt and she inspired me to get started at life again.
The first step I had to take was to find a therapist the is familiar with working with Bariatric patients.  I call the local Bariatric center and they were wonderful and gave me several names and numbers.  I have seen this psychologist only once, but I can tell you I felt better just for making an appt.  I will see her again today.
Please talk to someone, find someone you can talk to without embarassment or holding back.  It is saving my life, I think it can help you too.

Thank you, Joni!

It's a very odd feeling mourning chaos. Thank you for your feedback. And I hope your husband is better than ever. Now it's OUR TURN to get back to better than ever!

Jenny