Really down right now..

  What do I do? Again today he is trying to get me to go off my decision to lose the weight. And now my daughter has joined into it as well. I am struggling today to stay on track- I told them both this- so what do they do. He goes out and gets me a slice of pizza- heats it up and puts my favorite- cheese puffs on it- and brings it over to me. Meanwhile my daughter is telling me that I have to make sure I get "enough" calories in the day. I just want to give up. I forget why this is worth it. No body but me wants this and it is so hard, so damn hard, to do this with no support. I tell them I am struggling- I want to eat rotten- and what do they do- GO GET IT FOR ME- while I doing my best to change the direction of my mind.

Friday it was funny and frustrating- now after 2 more days of it, I am just feeling so bad, like it isn't worth it, and without the support I will not get it anyway. I just want to run away into a cave and lose all alone. Or just say the hell with it and stay like this. I AM still in a 14/16 so it isn't like I am huge unless I compare myself to what I was before I started to gain...
Sigh I am tired.. already..and I have only been on track for a week.. is this how it is going to be? WHat do I do? I tried talking to them- telling them how I feel- but all they do is encourage me to do what ever I am struggling with or tell me I need to do it to stay healthy or as my husband says "keep losing because you don't want to stop losing- which I will do if I eat under 1400 cal. a day"  and "you can't do less than 45g of carbs. a day-,especially with being hypo glycemic" Even after I  TOLD them that our PCP- who is a certified ditician - said that 1000-1100 cal. and 35 or less carbs. were fine. Sigh.. well I guess I better go decide: eat the pizza or take a rashion of s**t all day for not doing it.

You have to ask yourself why they do not want you to lose weight?  Were you different to them when you were skinny?  how different?

Maye it is time to go to therapy - and take them w/ you.  Something is going on.  Seriously.  Something you do not see...

The only reasons that I can think of are 1) my husband also has gained some weight and does not want to go back to post op diet too, and 2) my daughter is at least 100 lbs overweight herself and cannot get WLS due to no medical insurance. The only difference my family notices post WLS is I was much happier and in my husband's case I spent too much on new clothes haa haa.

I did have a long talk with my husband yesterday afternoon about how I felt. He states he didn't realize he was discouraging me and thought he was actually helping me since with him, a craving a food is satisfied with just eating small amount of the craved food instead of not having any. I do not find that a successful action for me, but it is for him. I told him that as happy I was to have already lost 8 lbs. I honestly could not deal with constantly hearing how I needed to eat bad foods (especially craved ones) or too much food again. I wanted to succeed but the main reason I began to gain weight back was because I could not deal with constantly hearing how I was too skinny (yea, I should have come back or joined a support group then- hindsight is always clearer than foresight). I continued to gain as I went because I stopped following rules and went back to my old way of thinking /  comforting myself by telling myself that really I wasn’t all that bad and a size 8-10-12-14 was no nearly as bad as some people and still pretty far from where I started out 8 years ago. Oh and let’s not forget the “well it is all the medications I am on that is causing me to gain" reassuming and validating thoughts.

Going off or decreasing and working to go off the majority of the medications I was on as well as getting back to the post op rules and eating has already made a 8 lbs. loss and feeling much better than I was. I just need to get over the quick returning feelings of giving up because I have / had no support from family. My husband has promised to change his words and support ways and so far- Ok well only 10  hours or so- he has done much better. Even letting me wait a hour before eating breakfast so I could drink my morning liquids before I eat. Then offering and making me a healthy amount of breakfast for me when I answered ok to his offer to make me something.

As for therapy, I know I could use it, but it is too expensive for me even with insurance. Sadly, the low or no income therapists or programs are all totally full and not very common here in the Denver Colorado area.  

Thanks for the feedback- it does give me some things to think about.