Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Yesterday was rather gloomy here but not rainy like the rest of the state until after dark. This morning the sun is up and the air is fresh.

I got a few things done yesterday including getting my teeth cleaned. Originally my appointment was in the middle of the day tomorrow which was going to mess up some plans but I was able to sneak into a cancellation slot. Last night we went to a local restaurant tucked back where tourists can't see it and had a great meal (I didn't overeat). So funny that when we arrived my 2 SILs were sitting at the bar so we got seats next to them. I had been to this place a couple of times in the past. The first time was good but the second not so much so I took it off my list. But they have a new owner now. The food was really good and there was a very friendly atmosphere. And Mike was thrilled that it was meatloaf Monday ( I am not a fan but he loves it).

Today I may do something with the SILs as Mike and DS are going golfing. We shall see.

In the meantime I must ponder Miss150's advice about maintenance ranges. I wouldn't mind my shape if I didn't have back fat. I have these rolls that don't disappear until I am fairly low in my weight. Really bugs me. It used to be my tummy but that is fine since I had a tuck after I lost all the weight.

Have a thoughtful Tuesday!

It was a rainy day in Boston yesterday, but today is sunny, lower humidity and so, so fresh! We have all the windows open in the cottage, and the white curtains ate swaying in the breeze.

My sleeve is 10 years old. I was 296 pounds on the day I weighed in for my first visit to my WLS clinic. At the time, I told myself if I could only just get down to a size 18, I would be so happy, because I could shop in a lot more stores. I was able to wear size 18 a few months after my surgery, and I remember crying in the dressing room, and calling my Mom to tell her I was buying an outfit from the misses department instead of the plus size department. I eventually got down to size 8 pants, medium tops. Regain started about year 3, and I regained 25-30 pounds. I had to buy new pants, but a lot of my dresses and tops still fit. I would have preferred the lower weight, but I maintained easily for about another 4 to 5 years. I had many conversations with my BFF about what was enough, that we were older and we didn't owe the world all this struggle to try to not be the age we were. I really was okay with my imperfections. During this phase I thought, screw these swimsuits with skirts, I'm tired of them dripping, and slapping my thighs when I get out of the water, and dragging when I swam. My advice to anyone who didn't like my thighs ( they are destroyed by all the weight losses and gains over the years) was look away! I'm here for me, not you.

I most craved health, energy, mobility. I wanted ****tails, and cheese and wine and an occasional dessert and I was able to do it, so, I made peace with the regain. Then tamoxifen in 2021 changed everything. I had used the first part of Covid to lose 7 pounds, and I kept it off through my surgery and radiation. Then I started tamoxifen, and I watched in horror as the scale shot up a couple pounds a wee****il I gained another 25 pounds. I vascilated between despair, and coping. Some days I tell myself, yes you are fat again, but fat in the way a lot of 60 year old women are fat, you're not morbidly obese. Sometimes an icy river of fear shoots through me, and I think I'm on a runaway train that's going to bring me back to 296 pounds. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop the tamoxifen since my cancer was only Stage 1, trading the risk of a new cancer for the risks that come with excess weight. I have tried to beat back this tamoxifen fat with Weigh****chers, strict low carb, high protein and calorie counting. It won't budge. My next step is to go see the bariatric doctor at my Weight loss clinic to see if any of the medications like metformin might help. Maybe they would, because I read one of the reasons tamoxifen can cause Weight gain is that it mimics insulin resistance in some people...

So that's where I'm at in the regain journey. I am still so grateful for my sleeve. Tomorrow I am going kayaking from Salem to Ipswich on a 4 hour journey down the Ipswich River. There are a few low spots where we will have to get out of the kayak and pull them through. Without my surgery, I would not be able to do things like this. I'm going to a concert on Saturday, and I'm not concerned in any way about fitting in the theater seats. My quality of life is still so, so much better, even with a close to 50 pound regain.

What a wonderful place to be! My regain is about 100 pounds, but like you, I am far happier about my body, my health, my mobility and fitness level than I was prior to WLS. Prior to WLS I couldn't walk a 1/4 mile without pain in my shins. This past week, "out of shape me" started cardio workouts again and rode almost 8 miles in 30 minutes. Yup, we've come a long way and owe it to ourselves to celebrate what we can do!

High anxiety yesterday. The anxiety does not feel unwarranted, I've got lots going on, but I have no food in my house that I want (I have some food, just trying to work through what's here and it's here because I didn't want it). So all the feelings are running around unsoothed by eating, screaming like a bunch of 6 years olds on the playground being chased by bees.

So last night I went for a walk at 9. That helped somewhat. I came home and ate an apple, which was tasty, but not the carby sweets I wanted. Then I went to bed and listed all the things I wanted to eat that I could go get for breakfast in the morning... doughnuts or breakfast burritos or pancakes or bagels and cream cheese or croissants... By the morning, the urgency had passed and getting out of my jammies to actually go get those things is not as appealing. And I'm much stronger and less anxious in the morning. It builds through the day reaching its crescendo by nightfall. A doughnut still sounds good, but I know that it would be disappointing as doughnuts usually are.

The DVDs I packed up yesterday are gone. Today I need to work on filling my trash can and clearing out a first round of books. I also have a board meeting at 3. And I have to figure out where to make reservations for my friend and I for her birthday dinner tomorrow...

Off to work!

Screaming like a bunch of 6 year olds being chased by bees... I so love a good simile!

Big changes for you - the anxiety is warranted. Tell those six year olds to stop screaming.

Your back rolls may be more extra skin than actual fat! My belly is for sure my problem area, more so now than before. I wasn't able to get the tummy tuck before Ben got sick so with the regain it went right to the tummy!

Your back rolls may be more extra skin than actual fat! My belly is for sure my problem area, more so now than before. I wasn't able to get the tummy tuck before Ben got sick so with the regain it went right to the tummy!

Your back rolls may be more extra skin than actual fat! My belly is for sure my problem area, more so now than before. I wasn't able to get the tummy tuck before Ben got sick so with the regain it went right to the tummy!

OMG!!! I obviously have not been on this site for a bit! It looks like I didn't post when I did so I hit submit again! Sorry friends!

I've been having good eating days. Still little exercise. Thursday I have a ladies night out at the Melting Pot so that will be a bit of a cheat day.