VSG Maintenance Group
Sunday, June 26, 2022
That said, embarrassment, self admonishment, and rebuke are (imo) appropriate responses for participating in the willful, self abusive ACT of dysfunctional eating. It is the ACT (I'm the one doing it- and so therefore I am rightfully to blame) that embarrasses me. I am responsible for the behavior who better to admonish (suggest strongly that such behaviors are no longer desirable or healthy), and rebuke (provide a good "smack-down -open your eyes-truth as in- return to practicing healthy self discipline (not punishment- but rather a return to right acting).
On this one we will have to agree to disagree.
I am not sure how you mean "willful", so it is difficult for me completely understand your point. But if it is meant as self conscious or purposeful choice I don't see that being a choice that needs to be admonished. It was done with will, purpose, and cognition.
If you mean willful, as in rebellious like a willful child, then I also see rebuke and admonishment as counter productive. A willful child usually knows not what he does. He is reacting to fix a problem that exists internally within him which he would have trouble verbalizing without guidance. Admonishing my inner child for dysfunctional eating only made him sneakier and use his intelligence to rationalize decisions as they were made. As a former teacher you know that admonishing such a child rarely, if ever, really truly has any long lasting effect.
This is why I so love this forum and all of you!- How refreshing to engage free expression of ideas without fear---
Regarding willful---Yes, I do have an inner child who does not understand just what is going on. Her dysfunctional behaviors protected her from the mind/body/soul crushing attacks she experienced. She was a victim and carries grave injuries with her. I do not rebuke her or admonish her actions- Indeed, I love and cherish her. I know, share and feel her hurt and pain.
My inner child can act in no other way and like yours, reacts in much the same ways. Not only does blame and shame not work nor have any lasting effect, it is abusive. There were many years I did not understand that in shaming and blaming and punishing that child I was doing the same thing as her abusers.
Because I love her, I- the adult Bonnie- do not want to see me (the both of us, that is) continue the consequences suffered as a result. Those coping skills which once saved her and were needful are now harmful and self destructive now.
Changes must be made and I do admonish the adult in me to own those behaviors as being harmful, take responsibility for willfull participation, and ask for the choosing of changes that result in loving self care.
My inner child is not responsible; children have little understanding, power or say.
The adult me is responsible for her choices- needs to be held accountable for her actions- and (thank God) has the power and hopefully the will to choose and act accordingly. It is the irresponsible adult me that rightfully needs to be respectfully called out. My inner child deserves that kind of love and parenting.
Got it!!!! Now I understand more fully your point of view. I can get behind what you say. I approach the correction aspect for the inner child a bit differently, but it's basically the same thing. I tend to approach mine more with a "What if?" question. e.g. "What would happen if next time you didn't remember eating a cookie, you didn't get another one?" or "What if you passed on a cupcake/donut/cookie at a school function?" Questions like that help focus me (and the inner kid) on dealing with the reality of my emotions rather than my skills for rationalizing eating behavior!
on 6/26/22 9:20 pm
I agree with you on exercise not being a key factor in the actual process of weight loss. For me though, if I'm walking or being active, I sometimes find I eat better because overall I'm paying better attention to my health. And I'm an incredibly sedentary person when left to my own devices (seriously, you would probably want to poke me to make sure I'm still alive sometimes). So walking does help me burn a few more calories than I would otherwise. There is a threshold though where if I exercise over it that I start overeating, feeling famished and a bit like I deserve to eat after all that...
And you know me, I fully acknowledge I am a dysfunctional eater. At least these days, I can admit I'm doing it and identify why and am more forgiving than the self-flagellation I used to engage in. By the time I'm 85 I may have this business figured out!
I think exercise has an important place in any weight loss or weight management program or lifestyle. Don't get me wrong. I also think that people who exercise regularly tend to be more conscious about what goes in their mouths, too! I know that when I am sedentary my choices start leaning towards refined carbs and easy food (i.e. drive though, carry out, etc....).
