01/05/2022, Hump Day

Good questions, Miss Nexxie. My thoughts (most of which I have been running through my mind for the last 6 months):

• Mike had indicated that our current arrangement with some property changes was more or less what he would be comfortable with ultimately but I found myself not being able to feel that it is enough commitment for me. Probably mostly my own internal feelings. But also driven by the thought that he was willing to marry once, and that apparently when he was losing his 12 year relationship he was willing to marry her at that point (though maybe that was like his telling me he is willing to marry me to placate me). But he did buy her a ring which he won't even discuss with me
• We have 4 homes between us right now - we each have a home in Florida and each have one on Cape Cod. We had decided to sell my Florida home and I would use the proceeds to buy out half of his home in Florida. We would retire the mortgage and own it jointly. We agreed to keep our Cape Cod homes individually though I might sell mine and just add the proceeds to my other investment funds or buy a more seasonal property for me and my kids to use. So I would be making the major changes to his benefit as his kids don't want the Florida home but do want the Cape home. When I mentioned putting some money into his Cape home to make some improvements which his kids would love as well btw, he didn't want to entertain that because I don't think he wants me to own any part of it.
• We have begun disclosing what we have for investments, equity, and income to each other which is actually more than I ever did in detail with DH (by the time we had much significant he was starting with Alzheimer's). We have discussed how we would want our properties and other funds to pass onto our children including how to deal with it when only one is alive (we were going to see an elder attorney). DH and I always had separate checking accounts and credit cards so I am adamant that I would want it to continue that way, which he is very happy about because the wife of 25 years never worked and racked up large balances on the credit cards just before they broke up. He loves that I make an attempt to pay for around half of our evenings out and events (though he ends up paying more than 1/2 overall I think). This 3 month trip was supposed to be financed through the rental income on his Florida property but I think we are way over budget and he won't let me contribute (though I will pick up as many meals as I can).
  
  

So I when I am in a happier state I feel he is making a commitment but I am not sure it is enough for me without marriage. He says he is very frightened about marriage because it didn't end well for him (16 years ago). My feelings are embroiled in my jealousy about the 12 year relationship which ended just before I met him. It bothers me that though he was transparent about what occurred with his former wife he greatly downplayed what he said about the former girlfriend and made it sound like a couple of years just seeing each other on weekends. I have since found out it was 12 years, they travelled together a lot, she stayed with him on Cape Cod a few times and they lived together for 6 months in Florida before they broke up. I think he still contacts her periodically (sends birthday wishes) and sees her at her place of work which is at one of his doctor's offices. But she does have a relationship now too.

I am tied in for the next 3 months while we travel and I guess we will see what happens over that period. At this point if I am smart I won't bring up the marriage idea again as it is clear to him how I feel. We will just see if he does anything about it.

Thanks again Nexxie for letting me dissect my feelings.

Hi everyone, Not much to say. I felt punky again, and left work early. I slept from 1pm to 5:30, and am on my way to bed again. This will pass eventually, but energy is pretty low for now. God speed to all of us as we navigate the challenges we are facing!