01/05/2022, Hump Day

Happy Hump Day ! I have a video session with my Florida trauma therapist today ! So excited ! Interesting side note...not sure why I didn't see this sooner. My emotional state has directly impacted Sadie. Her anxiety and stress levels have made her clingy and uncertain. I am increasing walks with her and making time for intentional Reiki with her . I have also put her on doggy CBD. It makes so much sense...we have a strong bond to begin with and additionally, she is a trained therapy dog ! She has been taking so much of my erratic energy in ! Just one more motivation to focus on recovery !!

Do my dog people have and other suggestions ?

You beat me! I hit save and your post was already there so I deleted mine.

Wow, that makes sense that Sadie would be reacting to your feelings. Dogs are such empaths. I would guess you need to heal each other's stress. Does she sleep with you? I find that feeling Justice next to me calms me and I believe it is reciprocal.

Yesterday's echocardiogram went well. The major thing that they look for in hypertension is a thickened wall in the left ventricle causing reduced function. Neither was present - it was completely normal. I looked up all the findings in the report to make sure I understood them and everything was within normal parameters. What a relief! Maybe my BP doesn't stay high all the time? I have always taken my medications and when I take my BP readings at home the systolic number is almost always 20-30 below the reading at the doctors office. I brought my home machine in to check and it actually read a bit higher than the doctors. I definitely need the medications (4 for HBP and 1 to lower cholesterol) but at least I am not headed into heart failure soon. I told Mike why I was visiting a cardiologist and what the test was for and he was relieved that it proved that I had a heart (LOL).

Sleep evaded me last night. Partially pre-travel insomnia and partially too much rumination on Mike's and my relationship. It may be my mood causing the latter.

We head to Boston today to stay in a hotel near the airport tonight. None of Hawaiian Airlines flights were cancelled this morning and most cancelled this week were due to weather. The direct flight to Honolulu always seems to get out. So cross your fingers, but hopefully we are at the airport close to boarding time at this time tomorrow.

We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall last night. Stupid movie, but it was filmed at Turtle Bay where we will be staying for most of our time in Hawaii.

Mike's son has to travel to the European country where he was based for 6 months last year to follow-up on some work prior to joining us in Hawaii. He was waiting for his Covid test to come back yesterday prior to his flight today and said that the tests are taking MUCH longer to come back so he was getting nervous that the results wouldn't be back on time (he gets tested for his job frequently).

I hope all are well or recovering, especially Peps. Have a safe and healthy Wednesday!

I don't know how to turn off these bad feelings regarding MI guy. He won't talk to me and I don't know how to do my job as treasurer on the board (he's president) without him being able to communicate with me because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And I don't know how to resign without looking like a flake in this small town. It's all making me feel sick. I have such a strong urge to apologize to make it go away, but that's just childhood coping mechanisms grasping at straws. I sent a text yesterday asking if he was ever going to talk to me again. No reply. This is reinforcing my fear of opening up to people. I do, and this happens. Closed off is a lot more lonely, but undeniably safer. Anyway, my anxiety is through the roof and I'm doing a lot of distracting. I know compared to others and to the range of terrible things that befall people my problems are insignificant, which makes me feel that much more pathetic for letting it all get to me this much.

Enough of that, today I'm walking with my friend. That's all I've got.

Diane, good to see you start us off!

This is a safe place ! Needs and concerns can be shared ! There is nothing pathetic or insignificant about any of our posts. You showed up and reached out. You've got this !!!

Diane

You won't be back in MI for quite a few months, correct? Perhaps if you can just put it out of your mind you will find that time will ease the uncomfortableness? Easier said than done I know.

One half hour until we leave for Boston. I have used the time this morning to write a letter to Mike about my recent feelings which I will hold onto for a while and may never give him. I know I get down and negative when I am tired and around tough anniversaries and both are the case right now.

My insecurities about our relationship have resurfaced lately. Though Mike said he wanted to get married he is adamant about not telling anyone. When I brought up a question about a ring he actually covered his ears and said that this is not something he wants to talk about. Like a little boy who doesn't want to hear something unpleasant. Maybe it really is just his fearfulness about marriage, but maybe he only said what I wanted to hear about marriage to placate me. My intuition is telling me that that may be the case. I think that he may never want it as I heard that was the issue with his 12 year relationship- that he wouldn't take that last step. But I need it to feel like he is fully in this relationship and before I am going to make significant changes in my life physically and financially. Maybe he just can't give that? That seems so strange to me as he is so attentive and caring in all other ways.

I have learned life is way, way too short for halfway, so I will need to figure out what to do about this in the next few months.

Bad timing for these thoughts with our trip starting tomorrow. But maybe this is all just my current mood.

We are off in 20 minutes. Take care all.

Hugs !

Listening to your intuition and open communication are really important things when you're tying your life to someone. As someone who despises sitting in discomfort, I know these feelings must be really troubling! I hope you guys can relax enough on your trip for a heart to heart that sets your mind at ease. Safe travels!

Edit: I fully see the irony of having done neither of these things in my own quasi-relationship and gotten myself into a ginormous pickle!

(De-lurking again!)

CC: If I might offer a 3rd party viewpoint: sitting in discomfort is incredibly difficult for those of us who are accustomed to being peacekeepers and caretakers. We despise conflict so I get where you are coming from. As I've gotten older (now in my 50's) I don't accept or worry about the discomfort and neither should you.

This fellow seems to flourish when he's making others uncomfortable by popping in and out when it suits him and then ghosting. My non-solicited advice is to resign from the board citing communication issues preventing you from being able to fulfil your duties (if this is an immediate issue needing addressing) and delete his number from your phone. No casual texts to say hello or anything like that. And when you run into him in public you can be cordial but politely distant.

Give this fellow the same level of esteem that he is affording you, if you happen upon each other. If a person was treating your best friend this way, what would you tell her? Again, I'm offering an opinion where one has not been solicited but perhaps an outsider view can help a tiny bit? It's a new year and time to surround yourself with only those who add to your life in positive ways, not make you feel bad or question yourself. His company or slivers of communication don't seem worth the high price you have to pay in the interim. You seem like a lovely soul who deserves a helluva lot better. (OK, re-lurking now)

(Lurker uncovering...) Several questions come to mind when reading your concerns (I've been reading daily so am caught up, I think):

• if he came out and said he could never picture himself being married again but wants to be with you forever in every other way (a la Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell style relationship) would/could that be enough for you? Or if you were engaged but not married?
• If you are considering making physical and financial changes to your life to be with him such as selling a property or linking accounts is he doing the same for you? Are you both selling 'your' homes to find one together that you will own jointly? That could be an indicator of his commitment as well even if it's not actually saying "I do". Or are you the only one willing to make big changes?
• I'm a believer in yours, mine and ours when it comes to bank accounts - do his beliefs surrounding money mesh with yours?

I know this all sounds very business-like and formal but big life changes whether physical or financial can be a huge indicator of future happiness.

You seem very forward thinking and motivated and if he is much more laid back even on the big things or less inclined to make big changes to his life or routine, will you be ok with that? Or is it that it just feels a bit to overwhelming to him and he knows he wants to be with you but is scared of the change? Which is not a bad thing but may require many conversations and much patience to get to what's causing the hesitation.

Or maybe he's the type that will always need to be prodded a bit...? I hope I didn't offend you, definitely not trying to...