Saturday, December 18, 2021

I so feel for Peps and DD trying to do the best job they can as teachers but dealing with school violence and pandemics on an ongoing basis. Thank goodness there is vacation coming up, but that will be only a break.

DS is way happier and pleasant than he had been prior to this fall. It's nice to be around him again. However now that he is working full time again I would like him to find another place to live preferably by the time we are back home for the summer. I'd like to live in this house with just Mike and I to before I decide to sell it or not.

Some musings which cost me several hours of sleep last night: I'm having some insecurities about Mike of late. The things his sisters told me about his prior long-term relationship are bothering me. He has told me about it but made it sound much more casual than it was. He was with her for several years and she attended several family functions which he implied was not the case. He took her on several trips including Hawaii so now I feel like he is repeating at least that trip with me. And he was talking about marrying her which obviously is not a casual thing. It made me realize that I really am not willing to fully merge households/finances with him unless we are married but he seems disinclined to talk about doing that with me. So what does that mean? I have no problem with his ex-wife because that is clearly over but am I just a substitute for the former girlfriend? Also he keeps telling me how he hates Christmas and making it clear that he doesn't do gift giving. I guess our trip is his gift and that is absolutely more than I need or expect. But I realized that he is bringing me down about Christmas. It was always my favorite time of year and I loved the lights, getting together with friends and family and giving thoughtful gifts to others. After DD died I spent 10+ years feeling sad every Christmas but had finally returned to enjoying it. The holiday of 2019 was difficult with DH on hospice and then last year missing everyone. But I have been happy lately and was really excited about sharing the holidays with Mike. I enjoyed picking gifts for my 2 great-nephews, for Mike's grandchildren, for my closest family, and for Mike. My gifts to him meet his criteria in that they include a couple of nights away. His bah-humbug attitude is getting me down (which may be aggravating my feelings about his former relationship).

Anyway, today we are going to his daughter's home where they do enjoy celebrating Christmas. I hope I will feel happy with them though I am now seriously sleep deprived. Maybe I will be the bah-humbug one.

Have a safe and healthy Saturday!

There is a lot to unpack there Liz. Do you know why the relationship with the former girlfriend ended. It seems like Mike's sisters weren't her biggest fans? As for Christmas, go for it!! Celebrate how you want. Maybe let Mike know that you are going to do you, but you don't expect him to celebrate your way. But also maybe Mike seems bah humbug, because not everyone's love language is gifts. It is one of my DH's. His presents really make you feel seen and valued, which is as lovely as the thoughtful gift received. But I'm not as good at picking presents, so sometimes gift giving events make me feel anxious. I've had some occasions when I was younger of clearly disappointing someone with the gift I offered, even though I did try. I hate Secret Santa, and I'd rather not exchange presents with friends, because I worry theyre going to give me something awesome, and my gift will be a dud. But if you need support, affirmations, time, then I'm your gal.

I went shopping in my own closet today, and I have 2 dresses that will work for my niece's wedding, yeah!! So if I do find something I like even better, great, but good to know I have something suitable if I don't.

We watched a Netflix movie last night: Passing. Its the story of 2 black friends, one is living her life proudly Black, The other is passing as white. It is not an uplifting movie, but super intriguing, with lots of mystery and twists and turns. Would recommend if you're interested in a character driven story, and like the plot to leave you asking questions.

The scale says I've dropped a few pounds. What a relief to see it going that way, rather than up again. I made a pot of broccoli cheese soup that is higher in protein due to using fair life milk, and not bad calorie wise. Fills me up. Just had some for brunch. :)

I'm tidying up the house, and trying to put the last touches on the decorating. As I'm working, I think oh, I need to dust that, oh I need to wipe that down, and then I remember we have a cleaning service coming on Monday. Whoppee!!! I can just do the fun stuff.

Liz, continue to identify and consider issues/beliefs/behaviors that are and are not aligned with your needs. You are not wearing rose colored glasses..such a strength!!

It can be so hard when people's expectations or feelings about events don't line up. Christmas, birthday celebrations, vacations... if one person values the event a lot and the other could happily skip it, it can put a damper on it for the other person. Knowing the other person isn't going to put the effort in it make sure you enjoy it as you would do for them is disappointing!

I wonder what Mike's reaction would be if he knew you were feeling a little insecure about your place in his life right now? Somehow I think he might be surprised as often men don't analyze these things as closely as women do? (Peps, you can correct me if this is wrong!)

I walked again today with my friend. Always good to have someone to talk to about life's crises! Still eating too much, but not beating myself about it.

Greetings all

Just got back from some pseudo christmas shopping. Got some wrappings at the drug store, dog goodies at the pet store, and a case of wine from the ultra cute Fieldbrook Winery. Look it up. They have good wine and its a cute place in the redwoods. I judge my shopping success by how much in $ per hour I can spend.

Yeah I am a person who does not especially like Christmas. Part because my nephew was born on Christmas, named Chris, and killed himself at age 17. So its kind of a bitter time and I just try to change the picture. Having new friends out here helps a lot. But I think its ok to have a non traditional view of christmas. Some people love the fuss. As I younger person I was not a big fan because it always was stress and a lot of work and my job was high stress at year end due to business transactions and I just wanted a relaxing holiday and not to spend it polishing silver. So Liz, Mike just may have a different idea of a good holiday and you both need not do everything the same. As grown ups we get to pick.

Hope you teachers have a great Christmas break. Much needed. Such an intense experience day to day that the breaks are well earned. When I was being a lawyer at least some days I could get coffee and close my door. No relief from the phone however.

Tomorrow we may go see our friend who is dying of alzheimers. She does not have much time. Bed ridden . I am going to take some Fairlife protein drink and tell her its chocolate milk and see if I can get her to drink some.

Spent big bucks at the pet store. Yak chews and wild weenies all around.

Took DH for his colonoscopy yesterday and all went fine. Dr. is retiring and he was her second last procedure. She is a delightful person. Nothing bad was found and I am glad its done. Hospital covid procedures were pretty serious. I had to have a picture name tag printed out and show my vax card. Some waiting room drama led me to believe there were some families of covid patients . Security guard screening everyone and little old ladies wearing jingle bells constantly wiping down the chairs. Awesome staff at this little town hospital. Cant beat it.

Well time to look for football. Cheers all. Diane S