Tuesday October 26, 2021

Quick post as I have to shower and go to a beginner ladies golf clinic. I am trying to get the hang of it.

Eating was more or less healthy yesterday, so today should be easier. We got our booster vaccines and so far no effects other than sore arms.

The airline I booked to go home in December sent me an email this morning that it was only 7 weeks until our trip. Gee, thanks for that reminder!

Sorry about Goat 2.0's little altercation. I would have a terrible time maneuvering those things. I think of myself as a fairly good driver, but I have ripped a couple of mirrors off over the years.

Have a safe and healthy Tuesday!

The pieces are finally starting to come together into a strong foundation and framework for moving forward and building high. I am so grateful to this tribe for sharing vulnerable experiences and insights. I'm finally in a place where I can unpack, examine, and internalize in a healthy way.

When I did work on my childhood in the past, it was focused on disordered eating. I never dug deep enough to identify the genuine overarching issue and feel the big feels, never truly holding them to the light. For me, the central issue was that I believed that JUST THE WAY I AM, I am not enough. In this moment, I am not worthy of feeling safe, wanted, valued, protected. For me the insertion of, "just the way I am" clarified that every child deserves to feel that unconditional love, protection as they are. The message that all of the things I should be were more important than who I actually was changed the way I experienced so much.

I was the perfect magnet for a narcissist, the perfect candidate for trauma bonding because I had never identified and truly addressed that core belief (JUST THE WAY I AM, I am not enough.) As I experienced toxic relationships, my stress response was triggered quicker and more deeply and activated my parasympathetic system to be my "go to" safety mechanism.

That's all I've got for now.

Sounds like you have been doing some major introspection work! That's a good thing.

I completely understand your core belief because your core belief has been mine, too. Mine has been a little more along the lines of "I am never good ENOUGH". I have always fallen short of the mark of perfection - never quite good enough at what I do or am, no matter how good at it I am.

Glad to know I'm keeping good company!

Quite an emotionally loaded few days! LOL! You all know about the RV. That's currently a work in progress with insurance. I'm sure it will be settled within the week and repairs can start to get underway.

I was planning on breeding Dottie in December. She came in season early and caught me off guard. I missed her breeding this time around. Probably better this way since I already have Liza's litter in the oven! But disappointing for me, just the same.

Nice thing about the weekend was I didn't stuff my feelings with food. I didn't hold back on comfort food, but the worst I did was three mini bags of chips for lunch on Sunday. Not really nutritious, but 500 calories of non nutritious food is better than a full lunch PLUS the extra 500 calories.... I was only up about a pound yesterday morning. I can live with that.

You know what is hard about "dieting" for me is the vacant hole I am left with that I have to find alternative methods of filling. I'm so used to using food to fill the hole (whatever the hole may be at the moment), that I don't really even know the reason why it needs filling. I just know it needs to be filled so I don't have to deal with it. The RV fence fight allowed me to practice feeling the feels without over eating. It was uncomfortable to be sure, but I dealt with it and came out the other side just fine. Bonus is that I don't have "scold" and berate myself for also over eating and "blowing it" by bingeing.

Just feeling the need to keep on keeping on right now - not wanting to veer to far from my path. I'm sort of comfortable right now with things progressing as they are.

My aunt is at rest. The family plot is beautiful and the cemetery is jaw droppingly stunning. I've never seen anything like it. The sun came out just as she was put in the ground. Couldn't have been better. The funeral was really nice and my cousin-in-law gave the best eulogy I've ever heard. The right mix of funny and touching and perfectly summed up my aunt.

After, we went to Skyline Chili for lunch. A carb and cheese extravaganza that serves Cincinnati-chili - chili spiced with cinnamon and chocolate served over spaghetti and smothered in shredded cheese, (onions and beans optional). You usually also order a chili dog with it. I ordered as instructed. It was good, but Thank the Sleeve, I couldn't eat much. I also managed to limit myself at dinner last night too. I'm finding that while I may be disappointed to order a small amount, it is always enough or sometimes even too much. What my brain wants and what I can accommodate are different.

I head out tomorrow for CA. Will report in from there!

Safe travels !

I'm glad your Aunt's remembrance was done so well. Safe travels to California!

Ah, excavating our childhoods. Cecily, I'm glad that your family found solace in joining together to memorialize your Aunt.

Liz, what do you think is driving your insomnia?

Keep doing your work Diane O. It's some powerful stuff. One of my tapes is almost primal, its probably a three old's voice, and it says, "I'm bad". I have talked with that little voice many times to explain that she is not bad. But sometimes she speaks out of the blue, and it startles me that she still feels that way.

So I got to revisit some issues during my trip. I became very frustrated at times, because I stated numerous times I did not want to make any decisions, I'm tapped out. But I heard over and over again, what are we going to do next? Where are we going to eat? My bil is an controlling person with limited interests, and he is paying for everything. So this puts me in quite the spot. 1. I don't want to presume what he wants to spend. 2. He is not going to like my suggestions anyhow. I fell for it one time, he said, your turn to pick out the restaurant, so I did, made the reservation. He pulled up the menu and became incensed, yelling, you like this? So no, we didn't go there. Anyhow, I did enjoy some of the things we did, but I felt like when I was 16, traveling with my parents, where I was supposed to keep my opinions to myself, while simultaneously meeting their needs. So pondering issues of being controlled, and also, wow, my husband doesn't ever do this kind of stuff. Thank God!!! I mean, I am again grateful for how things work in our relationship. I did get myself on the pool deck two times, but it required finageling. I prepped my DH, when "what are we doing now" comes around, you're going to say, Wife is tired, she's going to go rest by the pool. Met with a beat of incredulous silence, but I did do it, and we agreed to a meet up time. ( this is not something they enjoy, along with menus that have crazy things like shrimp scampi, or listening to live music).I am still digesting this, was it as controlling as I thought, or did I just get triggered. And then I remember I had to sneak lunch. Because we had a big breakfast. Part of which I wasted, because of course, I will never be able to meet the whole meal. BIL mentioned how he hates to see food wasted. And I feel mean, when in other ways, they were so generous with me. So lots for me to sort through.

My Mom texted me that she wasn't feeling well, and wanted to cancel birthday plans. She doesn't know my brother is planning an actual surprise party. So I text him, here's what's going on now, what do I say. He texts her, and she says she's looking forward to it. Sigh. I am keeping to my boundaries though, reiterating I'll pay for half, and I need to leave by 5pm. So it should be okay.

Whew. Enjoying a quiet evening at home. Its just DH and me, as DD is back on the east coast. Looking forward to a quiet week. :)

Oh boy. Doesn't sound like a super fun time in some ways. But thank goodness for DH! I wouldn't be able to abide your BIL for several days though I have one who is somewhat similar (I avoid going anywhere with him).

I have no idea where my insomnia is coming from right now. I have had it off and on for years. Sometimes I can pinpoint a cause but not always. Lately it feels like I have it because I am worried about having it - weird, but true. The anxiety of not sleeping makes me not sleep...