Thursday, October 21, 2021

Good morning! Last night's Oktoberfest at the club was good and I didn't eat hugely. But I did eat more than I have of late. Back to turkey taco meat over lettuce tonight!

Yesterday was quite productive as I installed curtains on 5 of the 9 windows here. Mike never had curtains but I like light ones to soften a room. I also moved a large picture in the kitchen and bought a different one to replace it which I will hang today. Yes, I am nesting. The things I did last year and am doing this fall are appropriate while the places is still being rented out. Next year I plan to change quite a bit more including some of the furniture because we will probably stop doing rentals.

Today is a beach day and back to healthy eating. Justice also needs his usual long walk as I didn't do one yesterday since I opted to install the curtains while Mike golfed. I like to think that I am helping him get more social as he has never joined a league here previously. He had a great time yesterday and met some new people. And I am going to start a weekly golf class on Tuesday. Going to the driving range is helping but I need more regular instruction at this point. One of the women at the pool party Monday recommended this class.

Have a safe and healthy Thursday!

It is RAINING! Such a foreign experience here! LOL! I used to love the rain. Now the rain just represents muddy paws and extra work keeping floors clean and dogs dry. I am definitely a fair weather fellow! 75-80/85 degrees and sunny is my idea of perfect weather. I would prefer wearing shorts 365 days a year!

Weight is slowly creeping downward - even at this higher calorie range. I have decided that I would like to hang out regularly in the high 250s rather than the low 260s. Not a big deal but it will mean something to me and that's what matters. I am a single pound away from achieving the 250s. Just being aware of my eating should be enough to accomplish this.

First dog show weekend in GOAT v2.0 looks like it will be a wet one. Latest reports show rain subsiding tomorrow and not starting up again until Sunday night. That would be absolutely ideal, IMO. Fingers crossed.

I am subbing in 5th grade today. My student teacher has my class. It's a cute group and they are very independent. I feel like a babysitter rather than a teacher because their teacher has set up the day so I don't really have to do much except monitor student work. I'm going to be a little bored, I think.

Love, love, LOVE Ceci's take on comparative thinking! She is so spot on.

That's it for now.

I'm having a dark mood morning. I wrote a lot of stuff out here, but moved it to my journal (anyone else use the DayOne App or other online journaling? I wish I was more consistent). You all don't need to hear those pity party ramblings! The good news is I tried to figure out the lessons in what I am thinking instead of only wallowing.

The scale was up a little, 186. Not the end of the world. It's nasty outside. Cold, dark, windy, and rainy, which I normally like, but it's not helping this current mood.

Off to try to pull myself out of this funk!

Greetings all

Here is what I learned yesterday:

Mashed potatoes = crack!

We had the lunch at the lovely old Carson Mansion in Eureka (do google it) and its all fancy wood and stained glass inside. The food was chicken in a lemon caper sauce with veggies and mashed potatoes and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Something I had not eaten in ages and it was so good. Reminds me that I need to start cooking again and make nice stuff which is not all that hard.

THE TOILET CHRONICLES

So the master bath toilet started leaking a bit about a week ago. So DH decides to fix it. Screws down some kind of washers. Leak becomes worse. So he decides it needs new assembly and shut off valve. Several trips to hardware store and much clunking about last night and this morning including dealing with loads of wet towels. Today's verdict: call a plumber. That was my idea days ago. DH insists on playing Mr. Fix it. Never works. Oh well. We can afford the plumber but last night was spent filling the bathtubs with water so we could use it to flush toilets with water shut off. Seriously?

Yesterday also forced me to get dressed in the back bedroom since house cleaner was here. It has mirrored closet doors. Caught a glimpse of myself full length and not dressed. OMG talk about scary. There is an amazing spare tire around my middle that I somehow had not noticed. I have spent my whole life fighting weight, hating myself for being fat, deciding I was fat so **** everyone who does't like it, finding hope through WLS, enjoying a few years of feeling good, and now being fat again plus old and gimpy on top of it. One thing about getting older is you care less and less what others think and thats a good thing but now this weight is a physical hinderance and wearing DAS boot does not make it any easier I had my BMR checked once and it was 937. Dr. did not believe it was that low but i can. Oh well, not much to be done except not eat mashed potatoes and keep stumbling along. There was a friend at this lunch yesterday who is moving into an assisted living place to morrow. I feel for her. She can hardly walk. Must focus on maintaining mobility.

Looking forward to goat report peps. Where are the shows?

Liz nest away. Sounds like fun. Glad Mike is in the league. I am sure you know how much easier socializing is as a couple.

Rain here off and on but its normal for this season here and everyone is breathing a huge sigh of relief that fire dangers are low. I am sure there are some inland still.

Oh well, off to the studio. I must accept that nothing can be done about my weight until I just face up to it and do what is needed. Or just keep living in la la land.

diane s

"Am I loved ?" "Am I enough?" If I wasn't still struggling to resolve these childhood issues, I would have never fallen prey to narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding. I am a strong woman, and this lack of resolution makes me vulnerable to so much.

I totally support that we need to work through these issues to sustain balanced health. It is so NOT the number on the scale that defines us.

Love all of your posts. Trying to work myself out of survival mode.

We are all works in progress. Ups and downs, highs and lows. You will come out better than you were, once you make it to the other side. Knowing you, even as little as I do, I'm pretty sure reaching the other side will happen much sooner than later! You are clearly a strong woman.

Why is it so hard to believe we are deserving and worthy and enough??

Some very powerful posts here yesterday and today. I think it is very hard to think you are enough or okay as you are if your parents (parents who loved you, but sometimes very imperfectly) gave you different messages. One of the things that helps me heal is my deep belief, I deserved better. Doesn't mean I don't love them, doesn't mean they don't love me, but I deserved better. Better than benign neglect, better than actual physical neglect, better than being a target for my Mom to discharge her own negative feelings, better than verbal abuse ... I deserved better, because every kid deserves better than that. Kids don't have to earn affection, care, attention, it is their right. And if you didn't get what you deserved, sometimes you have to name it and mourn it. That's scary too. But if you didn't get what you needed, it isn't because you weren't enough. But so hard sometimes, to feel all the way down in your soul.

Having an awesome time here in NOLA, the weather is beautiful! We did lots of touristy things, including food, drinks, video museum, carriage ride after dinner, and finished with foot massages. I am relaxed, and feeling lighthearted.

Carriage ride.... Mmmmmm.....