Sunday September 19, 2021

We are back on Cape Cod. Today is sunny but it feels like an early fall day. It is amazing how quickly the weather turns at this point in the year.

Though Mike and I were tired when we got home last night, we went to dinner with DS and SIL. SIL had looked ghostly last time I saw her due to pneumonia and weight loss caused by the cancer targeted therapy drug she was on. They took her off of it a couple of weeks ago and put her on antibiotics and prednisone. She looks 200% better with good color and energy. She was talking about looking forward to going to Florida this winter even though she may need to come back and forth a bit more often than usual due to doctor appointments and to see her new grandson. It was nice to hear her enthusiasm. One of the reasons I went to Florida was to get the place ready for her and clear out my stuff so my bedroom can be used for guests (she is hoping to host quite a few). So glad she feels she will be up to it.

Mike went to his old hometown this morning to make some visits. It is the 50th anniversary of the death of his younger brother who was 15 when he died in an accident. I also lost a bother when mine was 17, so I know the effect on the family. He kept thanking me for being so understanding which I am guessing means others have not been?

The Patriots game is on this afternoon, then we will probably walk with Justice along the coast.

Have a safe and healthy Sunday!

We've been cooking for a dinner party tonight as well as running to a few stores for things.

I've been having some weird conflicts between needing to eat and not wanting to eat someone else's food/root around in their kitchen. She is a breakfast eater/lunch skipper, I am the opposite. Today she had leftover pizza for breakfast from her dinner last night so didn't want lunch, but she doesn't keep much ready food in the house and eating would have meant unfreezing something complicated or digging through her cupboards. I had an apple and a few of goldfish crackers I had brought her. Just made me realize there may be some unresolved food issues there. I buy food at home with few limits and gobble it up like it's going to be taken from me, but would rather starve than take food away from other people or eat on my own in front of other people. I'm realizing I do this any time I visit friends or family. If they are eating, I'll have some too, but I don't want to make a fuss or feed myself if I'm the only one hungry.

I triggers a memory of an instance over the summer where I went into my dad's house for Sunday breakfast and they had finished. I was frozen in the kitchen not sure I should eat. It felt so uncomfortable and like I'd missed my window. My impulse was to slink away like I hadn't come in and let them eat my portion. I would feel the same if I arrived late to a dinner and others had already started/finished. Maybe too much attention on me eating when eating with others means my eating isn't on display? Old unresolved shame of never wanting to be the fat person eating alone in front of others? I think that's it. My hunger alone still doesn't feel valid in the absence of other people's hunger.

Hmm...

3 more days here after today. I've loved every minute, but also looking forward to old routines and being home.

Add on epiphany!! This is why it makes me so upset when my dad's wife declares we shouldn't have lunch when we have a big breakfast... it invalidates any future hunger I might have, setting me up for shame.

I hear you on not wanting to eat in front of someone unless they are eating too. It makes me want to eat secretly which of course makes me feel shameful.

I feel this so much too. I especially struggle when I'm a guest and the breakfast served is pancakes. I will feel sick pretty quickly if I don't eat some protein and some fat. I feel sick now, just thinking about it. But its really hard to say, or to just serve myself something like yogurt. If it's really close friends, family, I might say, oh yum, I'm going to have some with my boiled egg (insert whatever protein I brought) .

This is super important, deep stuff. Don't let this opportunity slip by without careful contemplation! That epiphany about your dad's wife is stellar! Run with it. Look deeper. My first question when I read that was, "Who taught you it was shameful to take care of your needs?" Someone must have at some point told you in some way that having hunger even though you were "fat" was shameful.

Brings out my Papa Bear! (Since I have "been there, done that" right along with you.)

A woman in a weight loss group I attended in the 90s shared that her sister was very thin. People bought her mugs and cards etc with funny little sayings about how obsessed she was with chocolate. The woman who was overweight said, I love chocolate too. Chocolate is wonderful. But I can't have a coffee mug on my desk that says that .....

About needing to eat when others don't. I've thought about this some more. I tend to travel with packets of nuts, protein bars etc, buy yogurts to have in my hosts fridge.. I don't like to ask for what I need when being served something different, but I have no trouble eating what I need later (anymore). In almost 100% of cir****tances, I ate less at the actual meal than most everybody, because that's how sleeves work. If later I need more fuel, than so be it. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed. I didn't ask them why they ate a whole burger and all their fries. I didn't judge them either. But I only ate half of my burger, and 3 fries, so I am going to need something sooner.

Yesterday was lovely. I did some chores like grocery shopping, but I did it leisurely, I told myself I had all day so, today for once, I did not need to sprint through a list of obligations. I took some things to Goodwill, and browsed there, and a few other thrift stores. I did find some little treasures and a bigger one, a coffee table. I showed it to DH when I got home, and he said, Do you like it? Silly husband, why would I drag it home if I didn't? Once its in the livingroom, if he doesn't like it, ill repurpose it. It has a stone top that is just my thing, but might be too much for DH. And I went Barnes and Noble to use a gift card , and left with 5 new novels.

I decided to bake yesterday too. We had some peaches on the brink of spoiling. I feel good about it. I haven't baked for months. Towards the idea of living more balanced, I thought I'd road test the idea that a treat is just that, a treat, not something for everyday, but also not forbidden forever. We'll see if it sets off cravings. So far, no.

Today some laundry, some reading, and I'm making chili for lunches this week. I think ill go into the week feeling more centered. Hopeful at least :)

I like the way you have been thinking this weekend. You sound like you are in a good place.

Good Morning All

Start of the working week again for me. Yesterday our premier announced our roadmap for getting out of lockdown ........ and its not good. We have approximately 37 days before the curfew and lockdown changes. Another 37 days !!! We are all just about out of our minds with being penned into our homes and not seeing our families. At 70% double vacinated, due on 26th October we drop our curfew, can meet 10 fully vaccinated ppl outdoors, schools go back, hairdressing and beauty care opens up again only to 5 fully vax ppl. Then on 5th November, the division between Metropolitian and Regional Victoria is lifted, we can have 10 fully vax ppl into our homes, dining opens up with density limits and masks are only required indoors. So if they keep the scheduled timings - we will have been in lockdown with curfews between 9pm-5am for 83 days by first stage and and 93 days by the second stage. Its safe to say everyone has had enough and there are many protests. Small business is on its knees and mental health at an all time low. People are finding it harder and harder to retain any positivity.

I truely am living through you all at present. Reading what you have all been up to and are doing brightens my day.

Love to you all and stay safe

S