Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Back from the beach. Although it was hot and humid (90), the water was surprisingly chilly. It took me awhile to get in, but once I did it felt amazing.

I've been thinking about sleeve size and restriction. My sleeve does have good restriction, I cannot eat a regular size meal. When I am "sleeve full", more food is very unappealing. That's a post surgery development, before my sleeve, there was never enough, and too rich didn't have any meaning to me. Sometimes my sleeve even stops me from finishing a "normal" size piece of cake, although carbs do go down in a much higher volume than say steak. But my problem is, I will get into grazing. Food may seem unappealing right after a meal, but that feeling goes away faster than it used to. So maybe I ate a small lunch, but I might eat something else an hour later, even though I am not experiencing actual hunger. I can defeat my small sleeve with ease unfortunately. It does stop me though at parties and buffets, which is a great help. And if I eat the right combination of fat and protein, it gives satiety, and then I can usually resist the head hunger. Its all such a fight.

Peps and Diane S, you ate both losing weight slowly, without following a strict program. (Diane I recall you saying you were trying not eat in the absence of hunger). I've tried so many different plans. Can you share some of the thoughts you are having about what foods you're choosing and how you are dealing with head hunger?

Hmmm... good question!

One thing I am doing my best to do is listening to my body's cues. I am not super hungry in the morning, so I talked with my NUT and stopped forcing myself to eat a larger breakfast. I eat something rather small before school - usually half a peanut butter sandwich - and then a "snack" around 10:30 during recess. Doing this has reduced my calories by a couple of hundred in the mornings.

Therapy has been helpful lately because I have been feeling better about who I am, who I was, and therapy has helped me acknowledge that some of my drivers aren't even mine. They were handed to me by others, like my mom. One of the positives about this is that I've been able to sit with feelings and be okay with the the process of working through emotions like anger and frustration (both very big triggers for me) without eating.

My head hunger is generally stress and boredom induced. Transitions are also very triggering for me. One of the techniques I try to remember to use is to check with myself as I open the cupboard or fridge, if I'm hungry. I'm usually not, so then I decide whether I want to eat something or not. Right now I'd say it's a 50/50 yes-no decision.

I have specific times during the day that are triggers, too. After school is the biggest of them all! When the dismissal bell rings, like a Pavlov dog, I want to eat something!!!!! It's a very strong drive. VERY STRONG. (This is a major transition period in the day-one that I have indulged for many, many years. It used to be that cigarettes and coffee were the indulgence. Once cigarettes were no longer a part of my life, food became the drug of choice.) So knowing all this, I give myself permission to EAT after school. Now that I have ruled it okay to eat after school my choices have gotten more healthy and less calorie dense.

Nothing is off limits and ice cream is my daily treat. Knowing that everything is available to me helps me make better daily choices. There is far less fear of deprivation .

Emotional eating served me well. I needed the protection and comfort food offered me. Emotional eating protected me and was a very useful tool in my survival arsenal. I honor that now, rather than degrade myself for my methods of self preservation. I don't need to eat for the same reasons anymore.

My goal is to find and resurrect the spirit of the child I was. That preschool kiddo turned down dessert when he was full or not really hungry. He's still there. He just needs to know that I'll protect him when he comes back out into the light.