Tuesday, June 22, 2021

I slept in until 7:45! I haven't done that at home for a long, long time. Too many prior sleepless nights and early awakenings contributed - I feel good today but it is very warm out already because I missed the cooler time of the day. Showers are due this afternoon. Hopefully there will be enough rain to make a difference but we usually don't get much and it is pretty dry around here.

Too hot to do the tree trimming I wanted to do today, but I did get all the outside porches, outdoor shower and screen porch cleaned up yesterday. Today maybe we will kayak and this afternoon we are getting together with SIL and her cousin for ****tails and dinner.

My eating and tracking went really well yesterday, but today here we are going out to dinner again. I WILL eat like I did when I was losing weight 18 months ago!

That's it from Cape Cod. Have a safe and healthy Tuesday!

Weight 188.2. Better than yesterday. I must keep reminding myself that a higher number never means all progress and hope is lost. That's where my brain goes. I catastrophize. Instead of remembering that I was celebrating at 183 something. Celebration and catastrophe do not reside 5 pounds apart. Part of it is the feeling of hopscotching the line between overweight and normal and the untethered feeling of being out of control with my eating. But that's all emotion based. Not raw data.

Today I'm getting my hair colored, but that's all I have planned. Oh, a quick grocery stop for dinner stuff.

Hope you all have a nice one!

I have had incredibly good sleep the last 3 nights, it's such a treat.

Cecily, interesting observation about the difference in attitude, separated by only 5 pounds. The things our own tapes tell us.

It felt very good to have an in control day of eating. I felt happy looking back at what I'd consumed and knowing it was food that supports health (and hopefully weight loss).

Yesterday I took my new clippers and attacked the backyard bramble that was beginning to look like Sleeping Beautys castle. I also planted the last couple of bedding plants. That means I can go buy more today! And my zinnias are starting to bloom. Makes me happy :)

So nothing remarkable today, just a day of puttering.

Shirl, congratulations on your surgery anniversary. My theory, you maintain your weight well because you are always moving, and you eat so much produce and meat that you have grown/processed. You make delicious high quality meals, and they satisfy. More and more, I believe the amount of processed food we eat is leading to our struggles with weight.

Hi all!

Ceci's post today reminded me of some of the work I have had to do. I enjoy seeing myself reflected back in others' writing. It used to be I found it uncomfortable to see myself in others' struggles, but not so anymore. Perhaps it is the acceptance of the struggle that makes it okay to see myself having struggles, too???

I still notice that I have feelings of shame when I read about people being within their personal acceptable weight ranges. I am working on that. The feeling of shame is real, so I do try to acknowledge it, but it is tricky to not succumb to that feeling, much as Ceci writes about "...celebration and catastrophe do not reside 5 pounds apart".

My main obstacle these days is deciding IF I REALLY WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. I have spent a lifetime professing to wanting to lose weight, but how true is that desire? I have the tools to lose weight. That's a no brainer. So, I have had to dig a little more deeply to find the answer. In short the answer is yes, I do want to be thin and fit, but I do not want to go through the process of losing weight. I do not want to face the "demons" that lurk below the surface compelling me to eat to numb, feel better, celebrate, whatever.... with food. Facing those feelings of inadequacy, fear, uncertainty is very threatening to my eating disorder and the thinking that keeps me steeped in the disordered cycle.

I'm using Ceci today (hope you don't mind) because, as I said her post resonated with me. So.... That 5 pounds.... I know my size doesn't change with 5 pounds. I know no one else can tell if I have lost 5 (even 10) pounds. So, what on earth prompts us to lose our **** when we cross the self imposed upper weight limit line? Why do we go into self disgust mode, belittling and besmirching our core selves? It is a fascinating psychological phenomenon. I have no clear cut answer. I have snippets of insight that help me investigate possibilities, but that's about it. I know that I'm at the point in my life where I need to deal with the WHYs behind my eating, if I am to be successful in losing weight.

Poop! This is not where I had intended to go today, but what the heck? There it is!

Happy Surgiversary, Shirl! DD, congrats on the Costco shopping and good eats yesterday. Liz, you have proven before that you can go out to dinner and be successful losing weight! You've got that Yankee *****! Ocean Diane, stay strong, be gentle with yourself, and allow you new life to unfold one day at a time. And since I mistyped Shirl as Shel, I think I would like to mention how much I miss Shel's voice. Shel was brilliant woman in so many ways! (I miss other voices, too, but their absence is by choice...).

I saw your Shel "slip" the other day and it felt good in a way as if she was in our conversations (maybe she is).

Haha! I didn't know I did it the other day, too! I did it this morning and caught it when I was proof reading. I do miss her so I guess her name is right there at my finger tips! No offense, Shirl!

I don't mind at all! I was just so struck by why I felt like such a failure at 188 today, but a winner at 188 when I passed it on the way down or a winner 5 pounds ago, because you are right about 5 pounds not being visible. Especially as a tall person, 5 pounds is a rounding error.

I realized it isn't the number I'm reacting to, it is the behaviors at the time of the number that determine how I felt about the number. Doing my best and 188 feels fine. Flailing and gorging at 188 does not. So the number is actually irrelevant. I'm hating on the behaviors and the number just either adds fuel or water to the fire...

We were so lucky to have her as part of the tribe. I miss her witty and wise comments.

Some good thoughts which apply to urges to overeat as well.

DEPRESSION TIPS: Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don't even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta. Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis. Put on clean, comfortable clothes. Put on your favorite underwear. Cute black lacy panties? Those ridiculous boxers you bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? Put them on. Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use lemon. Clean something. Doesn't have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink. Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that's got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both. Make food. Don't just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it's ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you'll feel like you accomplished something. Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don't think you're good at it. Create. Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin. Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone's voice. If you can't bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don't say much, listen to them. It helps. Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything. May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. *** At your absolute best you won't be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you'll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on. *** In case nobody has told you today I love you and you are worth your weight and then some in gold, so be kind to yourself and most of all keep pushing on!!!! Find something to be grateful for! These "share, I know who will" things annoy me. If you'd like to share because it could get to someone who needs it, please do. Love you! More later. Diane S