Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Well, we survived yesterday's party bus tour. I did it with DD in 2015 when they used to run it from 9-12 at night (returning to the resort around 1). Thank goodness it was from 5-8, so we were back at 8:30. Plenty enough time for me! Mike was saying that I owed him for going but I reminded him that I had warned him and told him that he didn't have to join DD and I. LOL!

Today will be beach, then dinner out again (sounds like a common theme, doesn't it). And I am missing my puppy!

I was thinking about your comments yesterday about being taught that how you looked wasn't okay and that you had to change to be acceptable. Though my weight didn't climb until I was in my late teens, my family made it difficult for me to like myself in the earlier years for other reasons. My father and eldest brother died within 2 years of each other and my mother became a non-functioning angry alcoholic by the time I was 14. She made me feel like my younger brother and I were never good enough, certainly not enough to get her to stop drinking and pull herself together. I guess my dysfunctional eating for comfort started during that time. As an adult who also lost a child, I was able to better understand why she couldn't cope but I couldn't as a young teen.

But off to better times here in Aruba.

Have a safe and healthy Tuesday!

Hello from construction central....

Liz, you're making me want to visit Aruba. Curious is the main language spoken there Spanish, English or Dutch?

Has anyone else noticed that they underestimate the time needed to complete a task? I was shocked yesterday to realize that a clerical task I thought would take about 30 minutes ended up taking about 90! I'm beginning to understand the phrase, "Where did the day go?" I told myself I would be more productive with my time today, but so far...eh.... LOL!

I am going to have to carve out some time to work on my Ah Ha!, though I am a bit reluctant to do so. I believe I'm going to need to be an active participant in this part of the play to move forward. "It's worth the effort," is my mantra. I'm generally inclined to not do the work and let things happen passively. I do believe that things (emotional issues, at least) present themselves when individuals are ready to handle them, so I'm certain I can do the work. Yet, I still feel teenager-ish in the sense that there is a nagging attitude of, "Really?? Do I HAVE to?"

Well, I really must get some stuff done here rather than droning on about my foibles.

When I think about "doing the work" I'm never quite sure what that means. Because I acknowledge my issues, but the work to me isn't just making peace with that or spending time thinking about it, but it's combating it every time that issue is triggered in real life. And that feels like an absolutely endless process.

For example I have worthiness issues. So I acknowledge that and spend time reasoning out how I am worthy of all the things my life experiences and faulty head tapes tell me I'm not worthy of. And I believe the real truth in those moments of self-reflection. But the work for me is when something happens in my day that hits the play button on the "you're crap" tapes instead of the truth I have reasoned out time and again. The work for me is in stopping the tape and acknowledging the truth in that moment. But those trigger moments seem to come from nowhere. When does it ever end or is that the point? That it will always take work to undo the damage one instance at a time? Do the tapes ever get destroyed? And if so, how?

THIS !

Everyone in Aruba speaks English though it often isn't their primary language. The official Aruban language is Papiamento, many people from the Netherlands speak Dutch and a lot of the people here are from South America (especially Venezuela) so they may also speak Spanish. The education level is generally high as the government pays for college. Many Arubans go to the Netherlands for their college education but come back to Aruba for the lifestyle (and family). It is a very safe and easy place to be in. Quite different from going to a Mexican resort or even a fair number of US cities. As an example, I feel safer walking around here alone than in Miami Beach. The weather doesn't change much from season to season though it is essentially a desert island. The beach is gorgeous but inland is a lot of cactus. Flights can sometimes be expensive but the cost of restaurants is comparable to the US. In the "low" season (right now) the cost at resorts is much lower and it is less crowded even though the weather is the same as in the winter. I stay in the "low-rise" area where the resorts are smaller and the beach is much larger. We are at one end of Eagle Beach. Palm Beach, the high-rise area, is newer, generally more expensive and has much more crowding on the beach. We drive up there to go to the restaurants but like our quieter area better. I own specific weeks in the same room every year as do other people in the resorts here so we see the same people every year, though many people do rent as well.

Weight eek.

It's been a gorgeous day here. Honestly perfect. I walked with my dad yesterday and today. 2.5 miles each day.

Still freaked about the tick. I feel fantom ticks crawling on me now all the time and keep obsessively checking my scalp. Yuck.

My dad's wife is with her friends golfing in WI, so the two of us are going out to dinner tonight. I do cherish the time we get to spend together. I know that time is not limitless and I'm lucky to have it.

Not much going on actually. Just need to reign in my frustrating eating. I went to the store for some other stuff this morning and refrained from buying any junk, so that's a start. Oh wait. I bought a bag of peanut m&ms and ate those. Grrr. God save me from peanut m&ms! I love them so much. So long range plan is stop buying and keeping junk or bingeable items and walk/exercise regularly.

Peanut M&Ms are one of Mike's cravings too. I need to weigh and get my act together when I get home. My weight will definitely be an Eek.

The messages we received, and internalized, so sorrowful sometimes. And then I worry, what tapes did I plant in my children's heads? There is nothing I wanted, want, to do right than being a parent. Nothing has been more important to me. But we are all so fallible... I hope I did/do right by them.

Last evening I didn't think I was up to another night of throbbing club music, and asked to change rooms. We were moved to a room with the fabled soundproofing windows.What?! It's blissfully quiet. And on the topic of worthiness, it was difficult for me to ask, because yes, the tapes still play, don't make a fuss. But I'm glad I did.

Some time at the pool AND the beach today. Dinner at an awesome, really awesome Cuban restaurant. We have a couple of to go containers in our room fridge. Tomorrow's lunch. :).

I feel the same about my children. I am in awe of teachers like you and Devon who extend your reach to so many additional children. There really isn't anything more important IMHO.

Good for you getting a better room - I would have a hard time asking too, but these days I wouldn't have to (Mike has no problem speaking up).