Thursday January 14, 2021

Weight 133!!! Remember our discussion about planned snacks? Well I didn't eat my planned snack but I ate EVERYTHING else. Maybe I am using this sort of anniversary as an emotional excuse? The next few days are the anniversary of the funeral for DH. I have dreamed of DH for the last couple of days, but woke up thinking of Mike. Here is an interesting and relevant article about our relationship which I read yesterday: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201 203/love-after-death-the-widows-romantic-predicaments

I have to decide if I am driving to Mike's place this afternoon or early tomorrow. I am going to play it by ear I guess.

Have a safe and healthy day!

I can't speak for you Liz, but right now the struggles in life I would normally confront are being magnified by the tumultuous times we are living in. The anniversary of the death of a beloved spouse is a huge event all on its own.

My DH grew up with 3 siblings. His parents died young. One sister has passed, ovarian cancer. His younger sister now has an aggressive stage 3 breast cancer. His older brother has increasingly complicated diabetes. Last night he told me so sadly, I'm going to be the one left, aren't I? It made me cry. I hadn't thought about how that might feel before. I have one sibling, and I love him, but we are not close. If I outlive him, it would be sad, but it wouldn't leave a hole in my life. In many ways, he left me long ago. So many sad thoughts these days.

There appears to be credible threats of more violence in Minnesota this weekend, this time to our Capitol and state buildings. The state already went through so much this summer. The world has gone mad.

But even if the world has gone mad, it also goes on. Work to do, things to take care, hope for vaccines... going to find some positive focus too.

Observation: Squirrels are tireless workers. While I'm plugging away, I've watched a squirrel build or reinforce a nest one or two leaves at a time. Many, many trips from the tip top of a 35 year old pine (it's tall!), to the ground, and back up again. Nature calms, even from the other side of a pane of glass.

Weight down a bit, 196.

Maybe the snacking bug is going around. I did great yesterday until the very end of the day and gave in to all the cravings. It wasn't a terrible number of calories, but it wasn't planned...

I'm worried about my dad and what they might have found at Mayo. He didn't call yesterday. I pick them up from the airport today. Ongoing cancer battles are strange things. In between appointments, it's easy to put it out of your mind and laugh, have fun, live. But when statuses change and not for the better, the emotions and fear rush back and it fills every corner of your waking mind until the new status becomes settled in your brain and life again starts to resume. I'm not sure I'm explaining that well. It's like stirring up dust.

It8s going to be in the mid 80s, so at least I can roll the windows down a bit for the ride to my house from the airport (blow out any germs they may have picked up).

Today a friend is coming to pick up a few dresses she asked me to hold onto several years ago when she was moving and never picked them up. Somehow it feels like she's cutting ties with me. She's very liberal which doesn't bother me, but the last time we spoke right after the Capital fiasco it was like she was baiting me to try to make me say things I don't believe and twisting my words. She also several times said either her husband or mother didn't understand why I thought one thing or the other. It felt very uncomfortable to know she's discussing my political beliefs with others through her filter and then it felt as if she was grilling me for more ammunition to share with them. Unpleasant conversation to say the least. I never thought I would lose a 20+ year friendship to politics as I'm not a terribly political person, but it might just be happening.

That's all I have. Time to finally get dressed...

Just editing to add, I have other friends who are liberal and we have discussions that feel respectful of each other's different beliefs, so I know what these conversations between good friends should feel like when both sides are listening and sharing and finding common ground even when there is little to be had. This was not that. This felt interrogative and antagonistic. Not what you want from a long standing friend. And knowing we disagree (and knowing it'll be unpleasant), I NEVER bring up politics, but she does every single time and it's always with some foul-mouthed rant about her hatred of Trump and praying for his death...

NO reasoning with people like that. NONE! Sickens me on both side of the political spectrum.

If this is really the end of a 20 year relationship, I would venture to say it was more of an acquaintanceship, not a true friendship. Like you said, friends and people with respect for others don't allow politics to close doors. If anything, politics between friends can be used as a tool to understand how others think and see the world.

Thank you so much, Devon. I think you've been an excellent example for those of us who know you of how to successfully navigate these waters!

So confusing. She came by, was super nice and joking around. Maybe it was just a coincidence she wanted her dresses out of the blue after 7 years...

Your post today, Liz, brought up a lot of things for me. Wow!

First, I was thinking about your scale number and it made me think of the question that was once asked of me - "What if you gain weight? What then?" How does life really change when you gain a pound or two or even 5 or 10 - especially, if you understand why?

You are living through first anniversaries of DH's passing, in mourning, and dealing with all that, but at the same time delighting in the newness of your relationship with Mike. I'm sure at some level that conflict has to come into play. Makes sense to me that you might resort to old tried and true ways to find comfort through this. I was thinking that maybe a break from the scale for a week or so might be helpful to keep you on an even keel. Just offering my thoughts.

I have to admit, I'm super geared towards weight loss mode and am feeling antsy that I'm "not ready" to start losing weight. My logging is pretty damn "woke" as the the younger people say. I will post on TT to give you a glimpse into my week. You'll see it's not a weight loss plan, but it's an illuminating practice. I highly recommend it. The absence of macros and calories sure has helped me be honest in my logging and reflection. It's a different way of approaching the issue.

I offer to you today one of my favorite student of the year. This little fellow has extreme anxiety and I have worked with him for months on getting him comfortable on Zoom. Mission accomplished. This made me so, so happy today! (Yes, I am THAT teacher!)

Keep being that teacher!