Tuesday January 5, 2021

I am in Florida, but it is 45 this morning (it will be in the mid-70s by afternoon)!

Lots to think about from yesterday's postings. I certainly need to give up a lot from the past and find a new future but I don't think I am at that point yet. The last few days I have really been missing DH, more than for quite a while perhaps more than since he died. I think it is because a year has passed and the older, better memories are more prominent. I missed him being in the other side of the bed when I woke in the morning.

But first, I have to lose the extra weight (which I am still not ready to check yet). I felt VERY fat yesterday. Not as much this morning, but still...

I plan to drive to see Mike in the next few days, but I am not ready yet. I need to be alone right now. I think he gets it but seems anxious to see me (which I guess is good but feels a bit uncomfortable).

Have a safe and healthy day!

167.0

How true and good that as time passes the good memories, as you said, come forward. For me it's not like I forget what may have been unpleasant, but that those memories no longer take up any emotional energy- done, gone, no longer important. Makes lots of room in the front for the wealth of life, joy and happiness I experienced with that person.

Had my first adjustment on scales- up .2 so the easy breezy initial drop, 7 pounds from this last restart, is over and the real work begins- 22#s if I want to comfortably get back into my closet, but I would settle happily with -17#s.

Stepping on the scales in the morning signifies my intention to "show up" for the day. They no longer hold the judging/shaming emotional power they used to. What they do judge (which is the proper and appropriate function ) is an indication of food intake as it relates to body mass. When I stop weighing it means I have decided before I put even one morsel in my mouth that my intention for the day is going to be mindlessly stuffing my pie-hole.

Today will be spent outdoors with Swann (70 would be wonderful but only expect it to get up to 54 or so). I'm also back in the library (aka art room) and am considering cracking the sewing room door. I do not know yet why it is, given all the time I have, I do not do what I enjoy doing more often. Maybe it is truly that, as of late- almost this entire last year- I have not been showing up.

If not now, when-If not you, who?

159...

omg

I haven't seen that number in awhile.

I guess I'm in good company?

Trying not to freak out. Of course yesterday I was going to try and start a "diet" so what did I do? Felt starving and had to eat handfuls of something every time I crossed the kitchen. Dieting doesn't work for me. And yet I know I'll feel a little deprived (at least at first) in order to move the scale.

I watched this really interesting blog the other day talking about why goals don't work. The gist of it was that we focus too much on the goal and not the processes (which we can control). And also that results take too long/we want instant gratification. So you have to find a way to feel satisfaction in the interim. I think this is especially true of food/feeling hungry. Because we are so driven to eat when hungry!

I'm trying to decide what level I'm comfortable with. Especially knowing that dieting seems to result in no better, or worse! Should I get rid of all the yummies? But that also makes me feel deprived and dieting. But it's much harder to eat if not here. But I also love leaving it alone and feeling like I can eat it!!

When I am successful I keep "yummies" that are safe around and plan to eat them (in moderation but at my hungry horror times). And of course I try to maximize protein at meals to fill me up. This morning I made WW muffins to fill my baked goods craving and I made tuna salad to be there at lunchtime. I have a couple of protein rich choices for dinner including shrimp which I enjoy and is filling,

Not easy, but I find if I stock good stuff and eliminate things from the house that call to me like chocolate chip cookies that I am way more likely to be successful.

But you lost quite a bit a while ago and didn't seem to be truly "dieting"? If so, can you return to what you were doing?

The gist of it was that we focus too much on the goal and not the processes (which we can control). And also that results take too long/we want instant gratification. So you have to find a way to feel satisfaction in the interim.-- well stated!

Totally agree with you on this. Goal weight is a long row to hoe - If I can't be happy, successful, satisfied with my self until Ive reached that "magic" number I am looking at weeks...months...of dissatisfied unsuccessful days because I'm not there yet. But, if I make daily progress (the process its self) my measure of success then I get to celebrate attaining my goal every day.

Weight up .2. Understandable after a big drop day. Glad it wasn't more!

The yard is pretty much done. I overdid on the lighting and don't want to share how much that added to the bill (GULP), but it looks awesome and was way too dark before. Two lights are still coming and I noticed a valve leaking this morning, so hopefully they can fix that soon. I also found one of my hose bibs leaking badly (coincidence, as it's been getting harder and harder to turn all the way off and I imagine the use it got this last week heralded the internal washer's demise) and called a handyman for that. I could probably watch a few videos on YouTube and do it myself, but I could also make it worse and can't handle that outcome right now, so a pro it is.

Still feeling at peace with my eating plan and starting to feel like I can finally see some changes. I have all sorts of milestones roaming around my head - 9 left of Covid weight, 13 to a normal BMI, 22 to the top of my desired range, 32 to the bottom of that range... But all of that feels attainable, which is such a calming feeling.

That sense of "I've got this" is something I've never been able find at any of my high weights. Then the feeling was "I have to do this" which doesn't include any confident feelings of "I can do this", just an acknowledgment that I couldn't remain where I was and how the hell would I ever find my way back. But I know the way back. It's a well-trodden path. The hard part is starting when you're already tired and know the walk ahead is so long and daunting. What's that saying about the walk of a thousand miles begins with a single step? I feel like I'm at mile 450 and amazed to find I feel pretty good and the path is well marked now.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day full of of well marked paths...

You do have this! You are inspiring me to get back on the wagon. As I said in my reply to BB, I prepped some things this morning to get me started.

Good on you, Cecily! What a difference in attitude the terms 'have to' and 'can do' make in terms of unwilling 'don't want to' (which is external unwanted demands) and 'yes do' (which is internal and self motivated desire). Carry on, girl!

More amazing insights from the tribe! It's so interesting too how maintaining/Losing weight never exists in it's own tidy compartment. It's all intertwined with the other stuff of life.

My regain is impeding me from Living my best life. I feel heavier, I don't spring up from the chair or the ground like I used to during my post surgery success. And it is not lost on me that I am only getting older, so I need to push back harder just to stay in place. I am no longer regarding my wardrobe a source of pleasure. It's harder to dress this body. I see things online and think, ohhh, love it, and then think, I would have bought that a couple years ago.

I'm starting out this reset feeling positive. I did eat a lot of fruits and vegetables yesterday, so that's all good, right? I used the Nordic track. It felt good. The leg with hip pain is weaker than the other, but on a Nordic track you can't shift the momentum to the other leg. Excellent, it will force those muscles to work more, and get stronger.

Well, back to webex meetings!

I too, am not happy with my closet. Many of those clothes do not seem to belong to me and I want to re-own them. It isn't so much that dressing my body is hard as much as it is unvaried, boring, and uncreative; that is to say not fun at this time.

Good job (I'm assuming) DH, with getting the Nordic track back on line so quickly!