Saturday, January 2, 2021

Liz, glad DS came around yesterday. I have issues with being the brunt of someone's redirected stress, anxiety or anger. It's a trigger for me.

DD, your day yesterday sounds joyful! Glad you were able to get out and experience festive attitudes.

Bonnie 150, my mom was really good about doing a little bit at a time, too. I have not mastered that. But I do make attempts!

Diane S., glad the CBD worked for Tesla last night! It's nice to have the dogs conked out during the fireworks rather than anxiously beside themselves.

Ceci, sleep is indeed good! I have good nights and not so good nights. Last night was a not so good night. Lots of waking up - twice for dogs, but a lot of just drifting in and out. Glad you had a good night!!!!

Trainer cancelled gym today. Boooooo! I rearranged my schedule to be able to go this morning. But, that's just the way it goes. I will to the elliptical instead.

Well, I hopped on the scale. Not where I had hoped to be, but still within what I though my range would be. I am up 1.8 since I last weighed, so I was at 273 this morning. I will admit to a momentary disappointment, but quickly recovered. It's just a number, I haven't been eating to lose weight, and I could have caught myself on an uptick day. Anyhow, I will record the weight. The scale is already put back away. (Will fess up that I weighed against the advice of my NUT.) I will now not weigh again for an indefinite period of time.

HOLY GEEZE!!!! There is so much tied up in not weighing, it's amazing. How will I know if I'm gaining weight? How will I know how much weight I've lost? How will I know if how I'm eating is working? How, how, how????? Must rely on other measures like my thin friends do - Clothes, mirrors, energy level, etc.... I have co workers who don't really know what they weigh. Fascinating, isn't it?

Got some good info from my NUT on eating disorder mechanics yesterday. On my end of the pendulum of EDs banking calories doesn't usually work. That is a technique people without eating disorders can use, but for people with EDs, it is usually a part of the ED. Fascinating how the brain works to justify coping mechanisms. For someone with anorexia the brain will convince a person that he is NOT hungry and still over full from saving up for a "full" meal yesterday. For someone like me (an "Eater" as my NUT calls it), the brain might rationalize low blood sugar, over hunger so eating becomes and emergency and eating right morphs into eating right away to alleviate the discomfort of being hungry.

My work this week is to focus on midday meals and monitoring the compulsive eating. It is hard to work on the Eating Disorder aspect of my dysfunction without a focus on weight loss. Part of me so desperately wants to lose weight, but I am committed to trying this new way and I get it. I am hoping this is my path to understanding my eating and weight and a way to find my happy place with my body and self image.