12/18/2020, Friday

We did buy plane tickets and made a hotel reservation for Florida. We're going the end of February. It is helping to keep me sane. And though I love spending time with my adult daughter, just DH and I are going on this adventure. You said you were thinking about going somewhere, maybe actually booking it would lift your spirits?

Keep posting those outfits. Your babies are so very precious in them!

Diane, so glad you have your snow helper back! Nor only 2 vaccines, but two more right behind. I'm so far down the list in CA (under 50 is the last group) that who knows which they'll have available when I get it.

Weight same as yesterday, which is still up for the week thus far. (Autocorrect thinks I don't mean thus and want this instead! I want to tell it to mind its (it wants to make that it's) own beeswax!)

Last night I had zoom knitting. I hate zoom so much. Someone had a really loud buzz on their mic that sounded like a periodic blender buzzing for an hour and a half (I left when I couldn't take it anymore). And I was having post nasal drip (probably allergies I never realized I had) and worried all evening I was getting Covid. Then I woke up sweating (probably a hot flash) and took my temperature (normal). Being a mild hypochondriac in the time of Covid is exhausting!

I got the second pergola estimate and it was $2k less than the first one. Woohoo! They are starting on the 22nd. And bonus, I really liked him.

Today is therapy and then a walk at the beach with my friends and giving them their Christmas presents.

Time to go pill and eyedrop Ferg! Have a great day!

Miss 150, your post really has me thinking. I enjoy alcohol, mixed drinks and wine. (But not beer, wish I did because I feel like I'm missing out on something fun with micro breweries) Whatever dopamine it might release does not flip the switch. I enjoy my one or two servings, and don't crave more. Easy to stop at appropriate serving, easy to pass on entirely if I'm driving.

Ah, but fat, sugar, and flour. I get what you're saying. The dopamine release isn't a drip, it's a flood. Which makes me ponder the hormonal aspects of obesity. Never in my life did I ever think, this is too rich, this is too sweet, until after surgery. In the first years post surgery, I was so pleased with the hormonal adjustment. I really could be satisfied without eating it all. It was so fun to enjoy a reasonable amount of some really good stuff.

Somehow the dopamine response has increased again. What has stood between me and total regain is my sleeve does still yell uncle, even with sweets, and my WANT has not reached its former, pre surgery level.

Is part of the answer finding better, healthier ways to trigger the dopamine? Will there one day be a pharmaceutical intervention to help our bodies respond more appropriately, release a more functional amount of dopamine in response to sugar/fat/carbs? I know if I keep feeding the response it grows, but abstinence is not an option for me either.

Interesting comments here. Especially the "never did I think something was too Rich prior to surgery." I would wonder what on earth they even meant by that. My husband still thinks that often, only able to eat a bite or two. Sugary foods never satiated me prior to surgery. So I'm not really sure why ever stop. I guess social pressure. But yeah. I could eat the richest praline cheesecake and never once feel "gross, too much, need to stop." But I do get that feeling pretty often since surgery. Sugary drinks are the worst.

I also just felt so many more desires prior to surgery. The contrast is never more apparent than when I compare myself with my stepkids. They could just eat a few days worth of Halloween candy, or a piece or two of birthday cake...then leave it there. To rot. Or go unnoticed. Like a familiar toy a few days after Christmas. Never. If I were disciplined enough, I might parse it out into several days (in the case of cake) or several months (in the case of candy). But the idea of losing interest in it is almost comedic to me. Cake wouldn't go bad and uneaten for lack of trying! And then there's the emotional pull of it on me. Somebody had made this for me on my special day. Or they had bought it for the same. How could I disrespect them so by not putting it all back? Did I hate them? And I kind of feel the same way about Christmas treats, etc. It was made for me, it was meant to be eaten. It would be a terrible waste, yada yada.

It's this emotional attachment that I still feel most strongly. I'm better able to shu**** because of the too full, too rich, or just generally less interested in food.

Hmmm interesting thoughts here.

Crazy thing is that I really AM satisfied when I don't eat it at all.- there doesn't seem to be a "reasonable" amount. I find that if I can keep the carbs down to somewhere around 60 spread out over the entire day, I do better.

Yes, yeah for the vaccine. I'm ready the moment my turn comes. I was reading about why this vaccine was developed so quickly, but is still safe. Money, lots of money. Sharing research data. Normally a company would keep their research and discoveries to themselves, but scientists around the world freely shared data. Huge amount of the disease made it easier to get feedback. People who were vaccinated for trials did encounter covid "in the wild". And lots of ready volunteers. So I'm confident the vaccine is safe, within the normal parameters.

We usually entertain my husband's family on Christmas eve. We've invited them over for a bonfire, and maybe we'll sing a carol or two. It won't last long, because it's going to be COLD. But it's one way to safely be together.

What a week at school! After I closed my computer, I just had to flop face down on my bed for a few minutes. Ready for the weekend!!!

My winter break has officially begun! Whoooo Hoooooo! I don't have to Zoom for the next 16 days! Whose counting???? I AM!!! I am very complimented though that I have gotten such nice praise from my students' parents about my Zoom teaching and Zoom Classroom management. It's particularly rewarding to have parents acknowledge how well I know their children from only interacting on our online classroom. I am, however, very much looking forward to the break.

I am also feeling great about not breeding Dottie. That has taken a nice little bit off my plate.

BB, I was thinking about your comments about everything being kind of sucky. I so understand your feelings - especially concerning your family. This will be the first Christmas EVER without my Pops. I completely understand why he wants to be with his GF during his recovery (he got sprung from rehab today!!! Yay!), but that doesn't mean I won't miss him and feel a *****eated. I am sad that my brother is too Covid leery to see me at Christmas, too. I have been tested every other week lately, so I feel very confident about my exposing others. I have a very regular and small bubble, which has remained the same since May, when I added my trainer to the bubble. (My work bubble doesn't really even count as a bubble because I have no contact with anyone, except the occasional passing in the hall or breezeway. Even my "chat" with my principal happened at a distance of about 40 feet yesterday.) This will be my first Christmas without any of my immediate family. That was also a factor in my depression of last week, I'm sure. I'm trying to look at it as the price of having many more Christmases and birthdays with my dad and brother. So many people get mild cases of Covid19, but enough people get severe cases, that it is best to be safe than sorry. That's what keeps me sane. There will be many other Christmas parties, Christmas outfits, New Year's Eves, and birthdays and eventually, we will look back at this time and hopefully be thankful for the gift of time and togetherness. It is to those who live alone for whom my heart really aches. Just imagine the isolation that could bring.

My funk really was kicked out the door on Tuesday night. I had a major endorphin or dopamine surge from my workout (the first in two weeks) and that kicked the residual depression in the ass and out the door. I have made sure to exercise each day since. VERY HELPFUL to me. I am now considering sorting my life tasks into manageable "chunks" and how best to go about that.

Ceci - contractors, estimates.... I feel you! We are having estimates for some retaining walls... OMG! Double what I thought it was going to be!!!! How can it be that much!!!!! YIKES!

Bonnie 150, WOW!!!!! I want to read that article!!!! How much of what you wrote describes me. Being naturally predisposed to addiction I identified with so much or your summary of the article. The WANT is so much stronger than the lack of need. Reason doesn't seem to ever override the WANT.

This leads to.....

My current dilemma/job/focus is understanding how my eating disorder can be a separate issue from being overweight. I have for so long put the symptom ahead of the cause I am having trouble seeing where one stops and the other begins or how to untangle them. It's so odd; discombobulating trying to see being overweight and the ED as two separate issues.

My size, extra layer of padding, what ever you want to call it also doesn't match how I feel inside. So what I see reflected back doesn't match. I have no idea what weight, size or appearance will match how I feel inside, so at least I don't have an unobtainable image I'm striving for. All I know right now is what I see doesn't match ME. I really like that bit of truth. It's a nice place to be. I don't know what will match the feeling, but I know this is not it. It's a place to start and a good place to be while I'm figuring it all out.

One of the reasons I want to lose weight at this time in my life is that my weight just doesn't match my fitness level and goals. I realized how absolutely unusual it is for someone my age to be able to bicep curl his own weight. But get this - yesterday I did a move on the TRX straps that had me lying flat on the floor using gravity and my body for the resistance. From this flat on my back position I used my biceps to curl myself up in a plank to a slanted position, then back down flat to the floor. Repeat. I was able to do three whole sets of 8 reps. Frankly, I was impressed with myself. That's a pretty slick (and strong) move. Oh, and I'm feeling it today. LOL!

We got new and improved () stay at home orders today. So, while I wish I could say, "Places to go and people to see... Later!" I can't so.... Hugs all around - even to our friends in absentia these days.