Wednesday December 16, 2020

Weight 129.6. Very much in the OMG range. My mood was still down yesterday so there was still some comfort eating. So following up on Devon's question about "naturally thin" people, I really think that's a big one. DH and SIL NEVER ate for comfort or to relieve stress. I know I developed that need during my early adolescent years after my father and brother died and my mother turned to alcohol. I turned to food. And in my lonely times during my first marriage guess what I did? Ate for comfort. A pattern I have repeated throughout the years.

So our snow totals here have been downgraded to 4-8 inches but it will be a heavier snow. DD is now expecting the larger amount in central Massachusetts. DS and I went to the store to get provisions at 8 am to avoid the milk and bread crowd.

Too cold to go to the beach for a walk today but Justice ran with total abandon on the beach yesterday. He was full of joy and I think he needed to run to keep warm. I was happy to have a face mask on to keep my face from freezing. But today the temperature is 15 degrees colder and the wind more brisk. So a neighborhood walk possibly with a sweater on Justice will be the plan today. DS is making vegetarian meatballs tonight and SIL is coming forward dinner so that will be good.

Stay safe and healthy!

Wow, kind of illuminating thought, naturally thin people do not use food for comfort, or to deal with stress. Leads me to think about how some people even lose their appetite when stressed or sad. That has only happened to me (besides surgery), under great duress, grief, and it didn't long.

So I use food for comfort, but also for fun! I love food.I like to bake, I like to celebrate. I don't need to eat until I'm uncomfortable, I can stop while feeling pleasantly full, not stuffed. But even more moderate eating of yummy things seems to lead to weight gain. I've got to believe my metabolism is inclined towards very efficient storage. Which again tells me I need to start exercising more. That's really the only thing to do with a sluggish metabolism, correct?

And I know it's an old trope that obese people think their metabolism is slow, and when tested, most people actually fall in the normal range. But after 8-9 years of tracking, I feel like I have a pretty realistic handle on my intake. I definitely know I've had 2,000 plus days, but to maintain, I need to be around 1,400, which isn't absurdly low, but doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room. To lose, 1200 or less. Sigh. I'm not miserable at that level, thanks to my sleeve, but it does reduce the "fun" part of eating.

I'm not sure naturally thin people will ever truly understand what is happening in the mind of a comfort eater. Yesterday with my friends I mentioned that I was down 23 pounds since my Covid high (a subject for another day is why I felt the need to do that - as if that would make me more acceptable to them?). Anyway, my one friend who has never struggled with her weight exclaimed, "Now, don't do it again!" I thought to myself, it's a certainty I will do it again. Not because I want to continue to walk down this path over and over like a bad record, but because eating to cope is such an ingrained thing in me, I will always struggle with food. I win sometimes and lose others. I feel like stopping at 34 pounds of regain this time was a ginormous win. In the past, I would have gained it all back and then some before turning it around. I credit surgery and a decade of therapy for helping me hit the brakes this time. But I feel like I will always fight this fight. Not because I've given in to it, but because it's part of how I am wired.

Weight today, up a bit. I blame post hike swelling and delicious cupcakes.

The second pergola guy came today. I really liked him! He'll send an estimate later this week.

The rest of today is free! Woohoo! I hope you all are having good days.

How can we truly internalize this: it's part of how I am wired. Because most of the time I know/believe that it is NOT a reflection of willpower or morality, or ambition. And frankly, I think it's amazing how we all gear up for the same battle over and over, and stubbornly refuse to fold. We all keep fighting. So maybe I need to rethink what real willpower is. It's not about whether we can resist a cookie, but whether we can keep trying to fight the good fight.

Just to expand, by wired, I am including "nurture", formative experiences, and learned behaviors that laid down the brain connections that equate food and eating to things other than physical hunger.

I had to laugh and smile at this comment. It has my name written all over it. My last session with the NUT therapist dealt with a lot of these issues.

I think it's important to add to the list "traumas". We can call them formative experiences, but sometimes what they really are are childhood traumas. Maybe not traumas in the everyday sense of the word, but those little tiny scratches inflicted by others that leave little microscopic scars on the psyche of our inner children.

I was explaining to my trainer that the phrase from the Bible about children inheriting the sins of the father was not really literal. It really means that our parents pass their **** down to us. Generally, we succumb to it and take the "sin" as our own. It isn't until adulthood that most of us can turn it around so that we can look at the bequest of those character flaws as an opportunity to resolve the issue that was given to us by our parents and take it as a challenge.

The more I understand about my own trauma, the more I understand why I am the way I am. I'm not mad or even sad, really. But I am terribly confused about next steps and what it all means in the end.

DEFINITELY worth singling out traumas!

Another PS! You're so right. How amazing is it that we all continue to fight in the face of such a challenge! Both through the emotional work and food intake work.

Greetings Friends

Its pouring rain here as it usually does for parts of the winter here. We need the rain so its ok. Our big outing was to go to the bank because we had a big check from the IRS and you have to show up in person to ca**** We had received a refund of about $11k last year. Then they sent us a letter telling us we owed $12k due to covered california for DH. So I paid it. Then we got another letter saying we were entitled to a refund of $11k. WTF. No wonder the nation has a deficit. No one is watching. And then the IRS sends a letter to our little gallery telling us we owe $340 which we don't. Got to admit I am sort of obsessed with taxes since thats a lot of the legal stuff I did. Now I am sitting here trying to figure out if our studio will owe any tax due to a grant we got plus a big work comp insurance refund.

Well its official - covid is fattening. Took both dogs for shots yesterday and they both gained weight.

Yeah naturally thin people just don't get it. Once as a part of a therapy group I was supposed to interview a naturally thin person so as to learn their habits and imitate them. So this one person at our firm - who kept a two pound bag of m and m's in her desk and ate one modest handful each afternoon - told me about what she and her husband would eat. Bleeeechhhh! Dinner was stuff like a can of Cambels chunky soup. A big splurge was a Little Debbie Honey bun. That stuff sucks. No wonder they were thin. Not to be unkind but the always skinny husband had his first heart attack at age 35 and died at 53. Genes matter.

Speaking of genes, I insist I have the worlds slowest metabolism. Really. I had restingmetabolic rate calculated and it was 937 calories per day. Dr. Cirangle didn't believe it. Someday I will retest it.

Anyway we all deserve a big "hurrah" for keeping at this struggle. Food addiction is not pretty but there are worse things.

Hugs to all my buds. Diane S