Saturday, November 28, 2020

DD flies home today and I am already feeling sad. I leave for home 2 weeks from Tuesday but I will miss having family here. Not much else on the agenda other than getting back to more healthy eating today.

Have a safe and healthy day!

Weight up another pound! I think I'm salt fat...

I don't have any official plans today. I do have to think about a birthday present for a good friend for Wednesday.

I hauled a ton of books out of cupboards and drawers yesterday and need to figure out what to do with them. They all predate my Kindle. Thank God for Kindles! I hate to think of how much more cluttered my house would be if all these years I was reading physical books. The library isn't taking donations because of Covid and I looked up several sample books on those sell your book sites and no one is taking the ones I checked. I think it's going to have to be Salvation Army... NextDooring them would be too labor intensive.

That's all I've got...

Liz, sorry you're feeling sad about DD leaving. I get that.

Ceci, your decluttering work is admirable and inspiring.

My weight was up a skosh this morning, but still in my lower range of acceptable. Had a good session with the Nutritionist yesterday. The awareness factor continues to boggle me! Newest bit of info: I have a "functional" eating disorder. Kind of like a functional alcoholic, I suppose. I have perfected living with the eating disorder, rather than the eating disorder controlling my life (anorexia, bulimia, severe bingeing, etc...). Apparently, these types of functional eating disorders are harder to deal with. Makes sense to me, I suppose. Here's another chunk of reality that bit me in the ass: I work from the theory that if I control the eating disorder, I will lose weight. But that's actually not necessarily true. I may not lose weight once I have the compulsive eating under control. My eating disorder has sure helped me gain weight because of the compulsive nature of my eating, but that doesn't mean that when I get it under control I will automatically lose weight. 2 different things altogether. ACK!!!!!! This work is challenging!

So, yesterday I worked out. Did a little bit of everything - back, glutes, arms, aerobic moves... My trainer got excited about my pumped triceps, so she asked to take a picture. Sure, whatever.... I posted the pic in TT... It was fun for me that she was excited enough to take a pic. LOL! Anyway... part of our conversation yesterday was about me understanding that it would do me good to try to see me as others do and appreciate an outside perception, rather than always view myself with a well developed self critical eye.

Other than working out and NUT appt. I did NOTHING yesterday. I did watch 4 episodes of American Horror Story - Coven late last night while Ron lounged in the tub (yes, he can sit in a bath for HOURS! I can't do that. YUCK!) Today I will need to do a bit around here - maybe even start some Christmas decorating. We shall see.

I am having an interesting food epiphany. Since Thanksgiving dinner, I'm having a very hard time not wanting to raid the kitchen. Like literally twitching while I try not to pig out. It's like a glutton switch was flipped and I keep looking at my watch to see if it's mealtime yet. Makes me think 1) why holidays are so dangerous (yes, it's one meal, but it sets off an insatiable appetite for days afterwards that requires a lot of mental fortitude from me) and 2) this is why "cheat days" have never worked for me. Holidays and cheat days leave me struggling to shut off the appetite firehose.

Yeah the want to eat it all button got flipped? Been there...

Wow, some very thought provoking observations about weight. Peps, not eating with a dysfunctional mindset stops weight gain, but doesn't necessarily lead to weight loss. Hmmm. And also, &$:#!, does this mean losing weight will actually take some focused effort? That it might even be hard? That I am never going to find the same magical disinterest in food that I did those first post surgery months? Until I read what you wrote, I think I may have been trying to find the magic combination of food or eating plan that would turn off my appetite. Time to rethink some things.

Cecily, you are so right! Stopping the treats before the switch is flipped. My first years post surgery, I would mentally draw a read line around December 24,25 in my mind. Treats stayed in the red box days, December 26, back to healthy eating. I would prepare for the switch by having foods ready that I really enjoyed, like shrimp, so it wasn't deprivation. And I was still feeling so ecstatic I had escaped my fat prison, that I really didn't see eating healthy as deprivation. Eat in the way that does not flip the switch. Yes. I'm going to focus on this too.

Liz, my son is leaving today also. It's easier for me these days though, because my daughter is still here. One day, when she goes back to Boston to stay, we're going to have to do the empty nest readjustment again.

Will your SIL be joining you again at all this winter? How is her health? And how are you doing with being with Mike 24/7. I was thinking about what it will be like to be with my husband when we're retired. Now, whether we want it or not, there are natural rhythms to the days where we are apart. Right now, you and Mike are kind of guests in each other's homes. How do you manage that when you're home, do you go out with your walking group? Does Mike have hobbies he pursues at his house, and you stay home? How do you negotiate those days when you just want to be alone for awhile?

We started decorating yesterday, and there is still a good chunk to do today. The tree is up, but no ornaments yet, and the lighted garland on the rail is up. Getting those two big elements in place has the most impact. I like to plug them into the outlets controlled by the light switch. When I get up in the predawn hours and flip the switch, it's so cheery. It's going to be 50 degrees here, which I wasn't expecting. I'd better get outside for awhile.

I hope SIL will come down. Her health is still stable 18 months after her last round of immunotherapy. But there is the new grandson. I hope she decides to at least come for a while or go back and forth a bit.

Yes, when I am home I walk with my friends. Mike doesn't really have any hobbies these days other than watching sports as he took a break from golf due to some neck issues. I expect he will get back to that a couple times a week if his neck can tolerate it. Sometimes I feel a bit smothered though as most everything is done together. I am not used to that and I wouldn't think he would be? But maybe that is how he thinks a relationship should be?

I just came in from a nice bonfire outside. We had a picnic dinner of leftovers, and then stayed outside to watch the moon rise. It was beautiful and dark when we came back in. It feels like it would be like 9 o'clock, but no, it was 5:30 pm. Again: hello darkness my old friend, why do you come at 4pm?