Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Peps, the compassion and understanding you show your eating disorder is a good place to be. Before I had my surgery, I wrote a letter to my obese body thanking it for giving me my children, and giving me many moments of ecstasy and joy. I thanked it for having the courage to exist and build a life in the face of such disparagement from the world. The biggest gift it gave me was compassion, because despite many advantages in life being a middle class white woman, I also knew what it meant to be judged, the sting of the cold stare that let you know that you were "the other" and didn't belong here. I didn't want to leave what I still call my fat prison and hate who I had been. But whatever the fat prison was sheltering me from, it WAS time to leave. As I've had some regain, I do miss the size I was the first 3 years after surgery, but I don't want to hate myself... I want to extend the same compassion to me I give to others...

My day went pretty well, hoping to increase my stamina, I know I am walking pretty slow. I do like being back with the students, even if Covid is probably coming for us. Numbers are continuing to climb here, much has been traced to school openings and social gatherings like weddings. People are fatigued. My nephew's wedding is in 12 days. My daughter is convinced it's going to be a super spreader as there will be guests who believe the whole thing is a hoax meant to discredit the president. I say we stay far away from them, and whether it is a hoax to them or not, they can't come in the venues without masks. But here we are again, at the love quotient, as my daughter calls it. Sometimes the love quotient is so high, you take the risk. I will be there unless the state says we can't be there because we're locking down again.