Tuesday, September 29, 2020

'Tis a sad day indeed when a Californian starts the thread!

The scale bounced up very slightly today. Often the case after a whoosh day.

My walking friend hurt her knee on one of our walks and has had to cancel this week. Her spirit is willing, but she is quite overweight and her body is rebelling against the exercise. I know those days too well. Wanting to do something physical and my weight making that a problem. She is also my friend who had RnY nearly 10 years ago and gained all the weight back. When we talk, she says knowing why she developed the eating habits she did (and still has) isn't important. I could not disagree more, but she's not in a place to hear it now. She still hides Twinkies and chips from her family to eat in secret. I've been there too. Anyway, as for walking, I need to go on my own for now.

We are headed up to 100 degrees this week. Boooo.

Happy Tuesday, all!

It is a sad day when the second person to post is also a Californian! LOL! I actually came on earlier before Ceci posted, but I didn't have time to post yet. It's that teaching thing... It gets in the way of things!

Ceci, sorry about your friend. And I am in agreement with you. She needs to maybe not know the root causes of her habits, but the drivers and feelings behind her habits. The root causes may be inaccessible to her for whatever reason, but the feelings, cir****tances and triggers that continue to drive her eating certainly need understanding. I am not 100% sure why I developed my eating habits, though I have ideas. And I do know those habits worked very well for a long time and took care of emotional needs because I was too young to do it any other way. Understanding that has been a huge part of my recovery.

Last night was taxing on the introspective front of things. I was doing my eating/hunger/satiety log and wrote the following: "Sitting here, doing this, looking over the day is uncomfortable. It feels way too honestly imperfect - like baring my soul. Yet, gotta say this feels better than being ashamed or angry....I feel the brewing power struggle. It's starting to rev up. I think my eating disorder is feeling threatened."

Thinking a little more about that statement this morning, I think what is causing the discontent is that my logic is beginning to prevail. In yesterday's logging I "saw" with logic and non judgement ways I could change some eating choices that could help me achieve weight loss. I think that is very threatening to my eating disorder. The eating disorder loves to play the blame game and keeping me in a perpetual state of denial. The more aware and accepting I become of my eating behaviors, the more frequently I have the sense that part of me is like a trail of ants that has suddenly been disrupted and amidst the chaos is trying to get back into an organized state and back on track. Only in my case the track is the eating disorder track. My hope is that just like the ants who when bombarded enough will find a new route, I too, will find a new and easier route to get to my destination.

I did weigh this morning. Still within the currently acceptable range. (Though my NUT thinks if I gain weight right now, that's okay, too. ACK!!!!!!! Certainly not in my book.

Ceci, you should let your friend read this post! LOL! If she still thinks she doesn't need to understand her eating behaviors, well, that's on her!

Hugs to you all and again, thanks for being part of this place that lets me think through and share the ups and downs of my sordid journey!

Totally agree, Peps, the events are maybe not all that important but knowing when x button is pushed I am compelled to do y is so vital to stopping the behavior. And while putting it this way sounds so simple, identifying all the x's within yourself can be really tricky because the response has become so automatic through decades of reinforcement.

I have noticed with your writings in the last few months, the descriptions of your eating disorder have taken on the form of an entity of its own. Like it's a separate fully formed being also inhabiting your body. Does it feel that way to you?

I do feel that the eating disorder is a separate entity. The reason I say that is because at some point the coping mechanism that worked for soothing feelings when I was a young elementary school aged boy morphed into a disordered way of not coping with difficult emotions altogether. I know in some recovery programs addictions are viewed as separate entities, e.g. in AA there is a phrase that goes something like this, "When you're in a meeting, your addiction is out in the parking lot doing pushups."

So I am viewing the eating disorder as this "thing" that lives within me, knowing full well it is part and parcel of who I am. My eating disorder lives in a part of my brain that is quite clever and is really quite untapped. Because I'm so unfamiliar with that part of my psyche and how it works, it does feel like a foreigner living within.

What I don't talk about much is that I have begun to understand how important the part of me that controls my eating disorder was in protecting me growing up. That part of me protected me from a lot of negative stuff the world was throwing at me. It was hard being a gay kid in the 70s and 80s - even when I wasn't ready to acknowledge being gay yet. Gay was not "woke" as is said today. Gay kids got harassed, heckled, beat up, and worse. The perpetrators were often unpunished or only mildly so. I was short/little and often scared outside of my safety net of friends. My eating disordered brain did a lot to keep me safe. I learned how to slide from one group to another, morph into what different people needed me to be, become a very good listener and to shift the focus from myself when needed. That side of my brain helped me cope in so many ways. As I grew into an adult and became more secure over the past 3-4 decades I have been left with the vestiges of those coping skills that no longer work. But that part of me needs to understand that I have things under control and he can let go of the control and now allow me to take care of him. He has done more than any adult could have done for me. My eating disorder is in place to protect me. He doesn't want to hurt me, never did, just doesn't want to let go. He still thinks I need him. He's right - I do, but in a very different way. I need him to remind me of how strong I am and what he was able to do for me as a 5 year old boy. My eating disorder comes from an inner strength the likes of which I don't think many people can understand. I believe that is why I've had such a tough time letting go of my protective eating.

So, yeah, I do see it as a separate entity, but not as an enemy. My eating disorder has its roots in a very strong and intelligent little boy who used his savvy to protect himself from an unwelcoming world. He's really a hero and I'm learning to recognize all the good he did for me growing up.

Wow, this is some deep analysis and makes so much sense.

Ditto wow! Thanks, Devon, for sharing this perspective. All of it.

Thank goodness for the Californians holding down the fort!

Weight 123.6. This morning I had to do bills and go to the Probate Court to file a Voluntary Administration for some unexpected assets of DH's which weren't held jointly. Then off to Mikes for lunch and beach walking. I was on the run from getting up until I just got home at 5:30. This adulting coupled with dating is time consuming!

More news tomorrow but it is time to take Justice for his post-dinner walk.

Stay safe, healthy and social!

Good Morning All

Well I finally did it - 179.74 UGGG but deserved. Not in the right frame of mind to make the required changes that I know work yet..... Lots of things to ponder from your posts Peps - thank you. I think you are incrediably brave and I have so much respect for you

Today is just work and then will do some cooking - sausage stroganoff for dinner plus will cook the meat sauce for tommorrow night. Cant do any gardening due to infection risk so need to do something to fill my afternoon/evening. Finished watching Bloodline on Netflix last night - 3 seasons - they canned the other 2-3 due to production costs I believe. It was good - I enjoyed it.

This morning has had a quieter start that yesterday - it was a zoo with the global Office365 outage. Certainly earned my $$$

Well not a lot more to share - I had best go and get some more work done - maybe another cup of tea too

Enjoy your evening all

S

I thought the first season of Bloodline was awesome. I watched the other two seasons and it seems the wheels fell off the trolley... I would liked to have seen where they were actually heading with the story before they were told they needed to wrap it up.

Yes I agree - they seemed to have rushed the last 2 episodes of Season 3