Monday, September 28, 2020

Weight 123.2. Maybe if I behave this week I can get back in range?

Mike and I walked for 2 hours around Boston yesterday morning before leaving to watch the football game at my house. Pictures from the Boston Garden are below. Another good day completed with DS's on the fly dinner "party". I slept like a log last night. No specific plans for today yet though I do need to go to the store to get some basic food items and buy some more things for our upcoming travels in 2 weeks.

Have a safe, healthy and social day.

What a pretty place, The Boston Commons!!!! I, too, have pictures of the Make Way for Ducklings statues from my walk through the Commons. Looks like the swan boats must have been out and about, too. When I was there, they were all "parked" right by that same bridge and not in service. I would have gone on a ride, had they been operating!

Unfortunately there are no swan boats right now in Covid time.

Duh..... Wasn't even thinking along those lines.

Monday weight check. Little woosh this morning, so down 2.2 for the week and 12 overall. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable in my skin.

I got my trash can full. A lot of bathroom bottles went out yesterday. I have a bit of a problem with overbuying drugstore, cosmetic, hair, and bath products. I filled a bag with a bunch I haven't touched in a long time. Some probably 5-10 years. Hair products I bought and disliked the smell of or didn't work as I'd hoped, lotions I tried and didn't like. Bath stuff that someone gave me that smells like lavender and I hate the smell of lavender, but felt guilty getting rid of them...

Hope you all have good days!

Well, Good Monday Morning!

I did NOT weight myself today. It is totally fine, until I start thinking about it. Then I get kind of weirded out. Funny how a daily habit like that can become such a significant daily event - even when day to day it does little to impact life.

I had a good session with the nutritionist on Friday, which I mentioned on Saturday. I did decide to take Saturday off from logging and monitoring and journaling. I wanted a break. I needed a break. Being aware of WHY I want to eat rather than working on strategies for not eating is helluva lot harder expected. I am working diligently on accepting and embracing that since I have been this weight for quite sometime (about 18 months or so) another few months at this weight while learning more about my disordered eating is really okay. Learning about my eating disorder is triggering eating disorder rebellion. It is very interesting how much my eating disorder wants to stay in control. It really does feel on occasion that perhaps I do have a little chip installed in my brain that is trying to sabotage my logic. I wouldn't be at all surprised if my eating disorder is some sort of mild schizophrenia - or on that spectrum on mental illness. And I do believe that the eating disorder, like schizophrenia, will require life long treatment because it's not really a curable condition. Possibly a dramatic, sensationalistic point of view, but somehow it kind of works for me. LOL! You know I do believe we all function on some level of ******upness! Most of us are just more normally so, while others are more apparent. I don't mean to offend.

See what not stepping on a scale does to me?

I had a horrific mirror moment yesterday while at the optometry section of Costco. Full length mirror, profile view.... OMG! Words can not describe my dismay. Sometimes the truth is painful. I combatted by reminding myself how much this current body can do! It is stronger than it has ever been and while my body is not as flexible as it was when unencumbered by an extra 90+ pounds, I am far more mobile, fit, strong and healthy than I was the last time I was at this weight. That type of positive thinking really does help keep me from the dark place.

I am having a bit of trouble getting adequate rest. Not sure what is going on, but I am feeling tired lately. I must ask Ron how my snoring is. When I am heavy I have very mild sleep apnea. Could be that I'm having bouts of not breathing. It could also be the horrendous air quality we are having again now that we have another fire within 30 miles or so. Whatever the reason, I would like to feel more energized in the mornings than I do.

Must get back to Zooming....

Why is an unexpected reflection so much more horrifying than an at home in the bathroom full on naked reflection???

Personally, I believe it is because we are not prepared for the reflection and therefore we see it as it is and not as we hope it is. I kid you not, I can stand in front of the mirror and pick out the positives and overlook the negative aspects of my physique. That kind of "Fake News" helps my eating disorder stay in charge. Body dysmorphia is a powerful tool to help the eating disorder and mental stressors stay in control. It's weird how we can know we are heavy/fat/obese/whatever you want to call it, but the mind doesn't let the eyes really see it as it is. It's those quick, unexpected glances that reveal the truth.

Or maybe I'm totally wrong, but I think for me, the above is true.

I think of it as more protective on my brain's part rather than working in concert with an enemy. Like if I had to face the truth like that every time I walked in the bathroom, it'd break me. If I know I am going to see myself, the protective shield comes down. If I'm caught off guard, there is no time for the mental shield and I see myself for all I am. Photos work the same way. No shield.

Unfortunately much like an overprotective parent who's child is ill-equipped to deal with the realities of life, I am blind to the reality of my body until a chance encounter with my reflection is forced upon me.

Good Morning

Not a bad sleep - DH was restless again which always means a broken nights sleep for me too

Just work today then I have to head over to help my friends son with his gas and electricity contracts. They are due for renewal. Havent been able to get over there as I couldnt drive.

Not a lot else to report- same ol same ol here........ Did some house cleaning after I finished work yesterday - DH helped too. Our weather is improving now for the rest of the week so that will be nice. Wishing I could get in the garden but that is a few weeks off. No playing in the dirt for me. Managed yesterday with only one lot of painkillers so thats progress

Liz - Lovely pictures. Boston looks very pretty. Glad you had a nice time

Cec - Good on you for cleaning out. A good purge always makes me feel better. Hate starting it but like the finish

Peps - Your words resonate with me yet again re the body dismorphia. Our minds are such complex things

DD - Hope your return to work goes well - thinking of you

Diane O - Hoping you are enjoying RV'ing - site looked so beautiful and that you had a nice 1st anniversary

Diane S, Leap, Miss, Paula, BB & Ann - Miss your voices and contribution

I had best get back to work..... Oh and we had 5 new cases over the whole state yesterday. Next restriction review is on 19th Oct. We are now the proud owners/caretakers of the strictest lockdown in the world.... Funny how you dont feel like celebrating that title but I am thankful to see the cases dropping to a low level. Onwards and upwards - one day at a time - sigh

S