Monday 9/21/2020

Yes, I am still noting hunger levels, but honestly am having a hard time with it. I have no trouble understanding hunger levels 1 & 2. 1 = light headed, weak, stomach acid churning, HANGRY; while 2=very uncomfortable, irritable, unable to concentrate.

Where I have trouble is with levels 3 & 4, which are the ideal levels to eat. 3= uncomfortably hungry, stomach is rumbling. 4= slightly uncomfortable, beginning to feel signs of hunger.

I'm also apparently not eating enough when I do get hungry so I'm never really full. This would explain the grazing and never feeling satisfied. On the other hand, I'm eating when I'm not hungry, because I'm so used to thinking about real hunger being an intense feeling and have trained myself to ignore mild hunger. I also think that my ability to recognize hunger has changed a great deal since VSG. My hunger cues are different and I don't feel hunger in the same was as I did prior to WLS.

She wants me to actually start eating more at each meal so I get more full and feel satisfied after eating. She doesn't want me feeling like I could eat more. So, finding that delicate line between not quite enough and too much. I guess I'm looking for my Goldilocks level of just the right amount of fullness!

Something more about me: I have adopted the false belief that to lose weight successfully, I must feel a high level of hunger prior to eating. I need to feel this level of hunger regularly.

As for the scale.... I tend to use the scale as a barometer for behavior modification. Since much of my eating disorder is focused on and triggered by scale information, it would be most honest of me to not weigh myself to get a true idea of how I eat without that information given to me each day.

BTW, I did NOT agree to not weigh myself daily. I did only promise to try to limit the use of the sale. Didn't want to commit to something that was questionable of me being able to achieve.

Of course, the not weighing is a panic because in the past when I didn't weigh, I could "lie" to myself about how well or not well I did with my eating each day. My goal is to NOT weight again until Friday. Totally doable, right? Right!

I am working really, really hard to hold my eating **** together right now and the therapy aspect of my focus is getting hard because there is a lot of inward focus which is causing some uncomfortable/awkward realizations. The one thing that is getting me through this process now is the fact that I don't get mad, angry, upset, or down on myself for any eating choices or behaviors that might otherwise have sent me down the wanton sugar path to Hansel and Gretel's witch's house.

I relate to her idea of eating more when it's time to eat. After my surgery, I got used to a meal being a chobani yogurt, or 1/2 c of cottage cheese. Eating a protein, a veggie and a bit of carbs seemed inconceivable. But as I continued to eat little meals, I found I was eating every 2-3 hours. And not a lot of variety. So, I started working on expanding meals, to have more on my plate than just protein. I find when I do have a meal, ex: meatloaf, green beans, baked sweet potato I am both physically and mentally satisfied for a longer period of time. But I still also struggle with, "I'm stretching my sleeve!" mentality. Not that fear of stretching my sleeve stopped me from over eating, I just did that by grazing. But eating meals, and realizing I can eat what a normal person with a small appetite can eat in one sitting, can freak me out. Lot's of mind games going on in my cranium.

Greetings All

RIP Dear RBG. What a fabulous person. Such a mind and presence. She is so missed. DH got me an RBG t shirt a couple of weeks ago. Bet its hard to find one now.

BB your white kitchen looks great. You were wise to have someone paint it for you. Many years ago I painted the cabinets on my first house. A ton of work!! They were cheap crappy ones and looked a lot better but what a chore.

Schitts Creek is the best! We already watched all of it and I am glad it is recognized. We are now well into Last Tango in Halifax. DH swears we have plenty more tv to watch but i don't want to if its Lovecraft Country. Too creepy.

Studio and gallery rounds today. Not much else is new.

Cecily I bet your door camera has a sense that distorts. Don't forget that.

We have one of not too many deciduous trees in the neighborhood. Its getting big and enough maple leaves to carpet the street. They mostly land in the neighbors. Hoping they blow away.

I am in total weight gain denial. It just is. Maybe will pay attention later.

Cheers. Diane s