Labor Day, 2020

Weight 122.6 (+1.6). Well there is the weight increase I was fearing! And after a very active kayaking day... But I did eat half a lamb burger and a Greek salad for dinner. Really good.

And now I am off to two days of not exercising, but lots of eating and drinking. Thursday morning weigh-in may be a shocker... But we will celebrate Mike's birthday at a beautiful place with what currently is projected to be great weather. We are leaving here around noon to get the ferry and will be on Martha's Vineyard around 2. Other than poking around and going out at night we would like to get to the beach tomorrow and maybe to the gingerbread houses in Oak Bluffs at some point. Perhaps this afternoon.

I hope you West Coast folks all stay cool!

Stay safe, healthy, and social!

173.2

Very sunny and very warm today, but tomorrow expecting a cooling down. I mentioned how glad California would be, but DH said our front is dropping from the north and CA stays locked in. Geezelouise - so hoping rain and cool and fall to come your way soon.

Today is a stay at home holiday (what's new about that?). Liz, your 2 day trip sounds so yummy- you, Bonnie, Diamond, Diane- how wonderful to be out and about in the world.

DH made his end of the season ice cream and cookies- both boys will be over. DS1 bringing GF and her little ones and I'll be playing with paints in the library- school assignment - abstract art. I figure color, paint,and brushes combined with fun and kid fingers will produce winners for sure!

I have given up on my hair- it has gone past my shoulders so I can claim intention instead of indifference. The last time I had it long, down to the small of my back) was 2017 and supposed to be the last time-

Small steps- yesterday I found myself engaging in decision making re both food choices and portion control. For so long now impulse = decision every time resulting in current sorry state. Devon - thanks for sharing your thoughts and therapy - and ALL here who are so faithful in posting.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. I woke up to discover I left the hose running all night, pretty close to the house. There was no damage or water in the house. None the less, it started angry weeping because I was so mad at myself. DH made my favorite breakfast, beacons and eggs. Sniffling stops.

There's a suspicious stain in the ceiling of the downstairs bathroom, DH thinks upstairs toilet's wax seal is wearing out. He buys what he needs to fix it, pulls up the toilet and discovers the sub floor is destroyed. I begin crying again. A big painting project I've been waiting on a year will now be postponed again. He says if I'm willing to walk downstairs for a week to use that bathroom, he'll do the painting project first.

We go to Sonic, because I want a corn dog. I cry while I'm there because I miss my Mom. Whenever I visit in Florida, my Mom and I go shopping at Beall's and out to Sonic, while my Dad kind of fake tut tuts about how we shouldn't eat hot dogs. I don't know when my mom and I will ever go shopping together again, or even go out to lunch together, because of both her health and covid.

We order some nice Adirondack chairs, (they'll be here Tuesday) because my husband discovered he liked them on our short vacation. I cry because it's getting colder here and I don't know when I will ever lie in the hot sand again.

I continue my project cleaning junk drawers and cupboards, that more order will be good for the soul, and I cry when I find a bag of my Grandma's cookie cutters, because I miss her so much.

I wept off and on the rest of the night. I cried because I miss my dog, I cried because of regain, I cried because I'm afraid of what tamaxofin might do for me, I cried because Covid is making me feel anxious about going to indoor weddings next month... I done lost my damn mind. I cannot describe how out of character and unusual this is. I weep as you would expect at funerals, weddings, and sometimes with colleagues over students, or if other people are crying, I'll weep in empathy. Never for things like home repairs which are inconvenient, but not life or death.

One of my best friends, who is a therapist, asked me earlier if I had grieved about my diagnosis. Up until yesterday I had cried a total of one time. I told her not really, that I was sad, feeling vulnerable especially at night, that I wasn't sleeping well, but mostly I had a to do list to tackle, and I was focused on that. I didn't dismiss it could happen when everything is all wrapped up. Surprise! I guess the grieving overwhelmed me yesterday. Not weeping yet this morning. Thinking about self care. I'm old enough to know that grief has its say, and when it comes you just have to feel it, you can't force it, pu**** away. So here we are. My family is being very gentle with me, and I will try to be gentle with myself.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. ~Victor Hugo

Oh, sweet thing! Let the tears flow; I'm about sure we- all here- are sharing your grief. Cancer sucks. I recall those feelings, almost overwhelmingly and brilliantly sharp and being in fearful awe that such deep emotion could generate from inside me. Frightening and yet, never more intensely And fully awake and aware of God. I guess the term for it is sublime. Carry on- you have this-(even as you may feel you do not.)

Powerful day. Glad you went with it.

Good for you for feeling the feels ! You've got this !!

It sounds like you needed to release those feelings. I hope you feel better having done so

Somehow, while it feels like the scale is always moving up, I managed to lose 2.6 pounds this week. 6.2 in the last two weeks. I think it's because I initially dropped 5.2 the first 2 days of all of this and then crept back up and am creeping down again that it feels slow. I know it's not slow. You know how they say "you didn't put it on all at once, it's not going to come off all at once"? I actually DO put it on all at once, or at least lightning fast. It always comes off slower than I gained it. There's me, living at the extremes and not in the middle again! No equilibrium.

While not as hot as the last two blistering days, we'll be in the 90s for the next 10 days at least. Have I mentioned I hate September in California? Here's the Darwin award for the day. One of the big fires down here that started Saturday was started by a couple having a gender reveal party with a pyrotechnic that gives off pink or blue smoke. And apparently sparks. The state has said they may charge them with the bill for fighting it and possible arson jail time. It'll be millions of $$$. More than 600 firefighters, 60 engines, three fixed-wing aircraft and six helicopters. Who sets off essentially a firework at the edge of a brushy area when it's 110 degrees and dry as a bone?? Idiots, that's who!

Anyway, that's all I know. Ferg seems to want a walk, so I need to get dressed...

Betcha' one of those clowns went, "OuPPPPSY, my bad!"

I know about the uber quick piling on weight. In the blink of an eye....

6.2# for 2 weeks?! Good on you!!!