Wednesday, 7/29/20

I think my weight is still hanging in there but no weight yet this am

Dinner last night was planked salmon, haricot verts with shallots and garlic, and roasted baby potatoes. And white wine with my step daughter.

Liz-enjoy the dating! And hold out for the best :) My aunt is currently dating and I think in younger years in such a hurry to get to the "next" of life that she's really just enjoying company now. It's happiness to see.

Cecily-so sorry about your dad's cancer news but glad he has options, albeit difficult ones. Prayers for strength and confidence in making those decisions.

DD-I feel kind of strange saying this, but what great cancer news! You've got this. Hopefully recovery from surgery is still coming along.

Peps-glad you feel like you have a handle on the vacation. Remind me where you're going?

Shirl-good that cases are going down.

Anyway. today is the last day of MDO. I have a lot to try to accomplish today.

VENT

I am completely overwhelmed. Becca has been a big challenge recently. She does not do as she's told, she runs away, she throws her food. And nothing I say to threaten her or entice her seems to change that. Maybe she's 2. Or maybe my tolerance level has gone away.

I know everyone is making concessions during this time, but I think my sanity and every happiness is dependent on them having some type of school/MDO in the fall. Mental health is health. I need my tank refilled. It's about to go on August recess. And I don't know how I'll make it a full month without a single day to get stuff done.

I don't think I can stay at home with them anymore. I started applying for jobs. I at least can fantasize about leaving them at daycare lol. But really that's the turning point. When I started ENVYING people going to work and feeling like this is some sort of punishment...that's when I thought I need to get back out to work. This was supposed to be a privilege to stay with them. During these times, it is not. And at least my old beautiful daycare (who apparently is better at raising kids than me!) never shut down during covid.

I so feel for parents with school-aged kids. Our district just decided on a "blended model." Which sounds good if you're a stay at home parent. But for everyone else it's complete crap. Kids are only in school 2 days a week? How the heck is that supposed to work? One of my friends said "well the kids who needed care before will just still have to find care now." Except there is a HUGE difference between needing someone to watch your kids from 3-5pm versus ALL DAY for 3 days a week. An older sibling might be able to do that for a couple hours a day but I have no doubt that will be put on older siblings to tutor their younger siblings in this blended model. Or young kids will be left at home to self-guide. Or parents will have to come up with a lot more money to send their children to an older-kid daycare or have a nanny come for 3 full days a week (where they will probably have more exposure anyway, and learn less). But to not recognize it for the financial burden it is on families or to see how much more negatively this impacts those at the lower socioeconomic levels just isn't reality!!!

Even what you've given your girls in terms of staying home is more than a lot of kids get in their first year +. And if working makes you feel more whole and sane, then just think what that does for your parenting. Go for it!

Omg! I just pressed a key and my entire post disappeared!!! I HATE when that happens.

Weight 122.4. More calories than necessary for my body yesterday but my mind needed it.

BB, you have a lot to deal with with two toddlers. My youngest were 3 years apart and I worked part-time after the second one came. Having two days of a regular schedule kept my sanity, though I do resist being too scheduled these days LOL.

SIL's future daughter-in-law is visiting for the day so there will probably be beach time again. High SPF after being in the sun all day yesterday!

Two lunch dates on the schedule: Monday with tall guy I had coffee with a couple of days ago. And tomorrow with a new guy. We shall see how it goes.

Stay safe and healthy! I hope I didn't miss anything important that I typed previously and lost!

There are no good solutions for school. It's totally impossible. How did we get to this place?

Yesterday I was in a very weird space. My diagnosis was as good as it could get. I will survive cancer, no question. But I started to get completely freaked out about Covid 19. Once radiation starts, you don't want to interrupt it. It's not as effective. So I started obsessing about how I might get covid next month, and derail my treatment. Then I started worrying that if we go back to school in person, I'll get covid and have a very bad case. I read that cancer survivors don't necessarily catch it more, but they have worse outcomes if they do get it. The oncologist didn't seem to think I would need a medical leave since I wasn't having chemo, which also sent me into a tailspin. If radiation can make you fatigued, then it seems to me you're more vulnerable, the same as if you were run down for some other reason. When I said I couldn't imagine doing radiation, or just finishing radiation and spending 7 hours in a room with grown up sized bodies while I was still getting my strength back, she said she would do whatever I thought I needed. I don't know why that didn't reassure me. My husband reminded me several times, she said she would sign whatever medical leave you thought you needed. Anyhow, for the first time since this all started I cried and cried. It was probably time to let some of it go. I'm feeling much better today.

So DH has one more vacation scheduled in August that would fall just before I start radiation. We've talked about trying to rent a cabin and go up north. Getting away would feel so good, but would it be prudent? There's a shower for my nephew's fiancee this weekend. It's outside, but there will probably be 20 people. It would be so nice to see family, but it seems too risky to interact with that many people. Hard decisions. I am still planning on going to my cousin's outdoor wedding the end of August, only because they are also requiring masks. If they weren't handing out masks (she and the bridesmaids are sewing them), I don't think I could go.

Today looks gorgeous. I'll probably do some very light gardening, and start a new novel.

Radiation wiped out my dad. He had proton beam, so it was targeted to within millimeters, but it still was a drain on him physically, especially as he got toward the end (7 weeks). Take care of YOU. If ever there was a time when decisions get to be all about you and tailored to meet what you need to feel healthy and safe, it's during cancer treatment for goodness sakes!

IMHO you should take a leave until the radiation is done. You will be tired and somewhat run down. Your health is important and it is only for a few weeks.

Lunch with my friend was so nice. It felt good to be out with my hair done and makeup on. I didn't dare try on any clothes other than what I've been wearing so as not to throw me into a funk. I know they wouldn't fit.

No plans for today. I need to get a birthday card in the mail for another friend, but that's it. Oh, and I spied some calla lilies poking through in the bed I redid, so obviously I missed some corms that need digging out. Grr. And I need to empty and refill the hummingbird feeders. Big plans!

I've been watching Hinterland on Netflix. Welsh murder/police drama. The UK does murder shows so well. Dark and broody and looong.

Thanks for the Netflix tip Cec - I will add it to my list - Love a good UK Police drama :)

I ordered a dress off the internet that I'm currently wearing. It's super comfortable, but not very flattering. I walked past a mirror, sighed and said, ugh, why am I so fat? DH who is taking a post work nap mumbled, you're not fat. I swear, this man has my back in every way.