07/14/2020, Tuesday

Yes, I also hear the voice of Little Diane demanding food soothing. How evolved we are that we have this awareness and connect it to a scared, angry, frustrated child communicating an unmet need ! My therapist helped me shorten the time it took to make this connection and immediately breathe and reassure Little Diane that I heard her and she could relax and leave everything to me. I started by saying it out loud and/or journaling about it but yesterday's posts gave me pause to realize how automatic this thought process has become. Is she sometimes so loud and demanding that it takes my breath away and I quickly placate....yup ! I'm thinking this would be a good time for me to work on identifying and intentionally, sincerely validating that child sooner, so she doesn't drop me to my knees trying to get my attention. Your posts and comments initiated self reflection and I see that I've increased placation over validation, which is a thin line from ignoring. Thanks, guys !!

Weight 121.4, WW Bluepoints 6 (tracked but likely higher). DS made WW tofu stir fry with peanut sauce for dinner that was phenomenal and I ate way too much of. He may also have taken some licenses with the recipe... I know he did substitute coconut milk for the water and eliminated the sugar but that was an even point exchange. He put it over butternut squash noodles for me (and regular noodles for DSD and himself). Boy was it good! In the past I always stayed away from tofu but this was great. Recipe link: https://www.weigh****chers.com/us/recipe/tofu-stir-fry-with- peanut-sauce/5626a63ef79cf9120df3b574

Very interesting insight Diane, Cecily, etal. I know that feelings similar to the ones I experienced during the times of greatest weight gain make me want to eat. My weight roller coaster didn't start until I was in my teens so it doesn't feel like a child, but when I feel out of control and anxious I just want self-soothe by shoving sweets in my mouth. That is why WW helped me in this last bout by giving me back a sense of control.

Today I have 2 appointments, then dinner with David. My retired self isn't used to more than one thing to do in a day, so I need to make a "To Do" list, LOL!

Stay safe and healthy!

What am I really hungry for? Sometimes the answer is surprising.

What is wearing me out these days? Ambiguity. I know what my surgery entails. My surgeon called with the MRI results. No surprises!! Excellent. It also confirms my tumor is as small as the ultrasound indicated and my lymph nodes look good. All this is very reassuring, and I mostly focus on how lucky I am this was caught early. And I try to live in the moment. Last night I deadheaded some petunias, a beautiful shade of red, letting their perfume scent the evening, gentle soft breeze lifting my hair. I soak those moments in...

But then my brain wanders. I don't know what kind of radiation, or how long. And I don't know if I'm going to be working inside my classroom, or from my home office or both. And if it's in person, can I even because of cancer and recovery? Will I need to take a health leave? For how long? I don't want to, the first month is so important. At the end of the year they tell us what sections/classes we will be teaching in the coming year. This information hasn't been shared yet. I know I'm getting a new class, because the district decided to not purchase the reading intervention I'd been teaching for the high school any more. We might start workshop week earlier, but this is still up in the air. Finally, I just feel so unsettled, I manage to put it back in the "we'll worry about this later" box.

Today is overcast. DH is asking me what I want to do today. I'm breaking his heart a little by saying yard work. :) I assured him it will be fun when we can sit under our new patio lights and my favorite fountain is working again. We'll see how this goes...

The struggle with the inner child is real.

I met with shrink therapist yesterday. It was a good session, I suppose, due to the fact that I did manage to purge what was on my mind. I am still on edge and frankly, a bit testy. I guess I could best describe my mood as 'You really don't want to challenge me today." While ripping someone a new a-hole is not on my list of things to do today, it certainly could be achieved with minimal effort. Just sayin'....

Got back to Yoga yesterday after my brief hiatus. Day 3's video lesson triggered a major self image crash that spiraled me down the rabbit hole. It was an unexpected reaction to something the teacher said innocently enough. Yet, it reminded me of the irregularities or abnormalities of my body because of my genetic condition over which I have no control. The rabbit hole was a little deep.

On Friday when the NUT challenged me with that statement, "I don't think you really want to lose weight," i was still feeling pretty raw about the body image/bone disease/dwarfism gene thing. As insightful as her comment may have been about my inner emotional state, the timing and the manner in which it delivered prompted Neptune to release my inner Kracken and all hell broke loose over the weekend. I was dealing with an inner turmoil akin to a silent scream. Still kind of am, but it's better after yesterday's session.

On the positive side of things, I have completed sorting through, cleaning and reorganizing my office space. I have only some files left to deal with and that is pretty easy. It's simply a matter of spending an hour or two going through to see what can be recycled, needs to be shredded, or needs to be kept. Not too hard. I can do that while listening to music.

Almost bought a new Macbook Air last night, but decided instead to have this laptop serviced because I have another year on the service contract. The faulty keyboard on this thing drives me crazy.

Paint color for the bedroom has been chosen so, I will get on that next week, I think. It's hard to believe that my summer is coming up on its last weeks. I will be back to school in some form or another in 3 weeks. My inner jury is still out on how I am feeling about school in this time of Covid19. What I do know is that Betsy DeVos makes me reach for Preparation H! She truly is a dangling 'roid on education's asshole.

Well, on that note.....

OMG! Betsy DeVos description!!!! Absolutely laughing with maniacal glee!!!

I am not a fan of, your actions show you don't want to lose weight line of reasoning. I desperately wanted to lose weight, but I had a chronic disease that prevented me from losing weight ~ morbid obesity. For me, WLS was a very effective treatment. But obesity is a disease with multifaceted causes. (Quote from my surgeon, almost made me cry when he told me that). Peps, surgery did not have the same outcome for you that it did for me, my remission, not cure, for this chronic disease lasted longer. You didn't fail, this treatment didn't address all facets of your disease. It was part of the puzzle, but you are diligently searching, using other treatments to complete the puzzle. I think you very much want to lose weight and you've shown that by turning over every rock, looking for those treatments.

Many thanks for your perspective. Much appreciated. Helps sometimes to hear someone's outside viewpoint of what they "see" me doing.

Good Morning All

Another check-in from lockdown. Same same .... We picked up the clothes line after work last night.It will be perfect for the farm.

Today DH is having a couple of spots removed that the DR didnt like the look of during his skin check yesterday. One will require stitches. I am going to do Mums groceries, scripts etc after work and will drop them too her. Nothing too exciting. Dinner is Chicken and Veg pie I made last week and froze so just a heat and eat.

Not a lot more to report - I have been eating too much - feel yuk but not yuk enough to reign it in. Boredom maybe? Hence no weight.... Im so good at avoidance.

Have really enjoyed reading your insights. They have left me thinking a lot about how I handle my responses to stress and food. None of it good

Love to you all. Im off to make a second cup of tea and continue working. Same Sh&( Different Day - Rinse and Repeat

S

So nice to hear I'm not alone in sharing headspace with an unruly, demanding child! I had a long discussion about it with my therapist who said ignoring her until she shuts up isn't working for me and I should try to empathize and understand her whys rather than ignoring her. That sounds like your validation advice, Diane. Something to work on...

Not much happening here today, likely not a surprise. Our county board of education voted yesterday to have children go back to school with no social distancing and no masks. People are calling us the Florida of California (no offense intended, Liz!). But they have no power, so each individual school district can decide on their own. The first huge one in an area that has been hit hardest announced today they will not be returning in the fall. I imagine most others will follow suit, but we'll see. It's like all they are considering is whether the kids will get seriously ill with no regard for the wellbeing of teachers and staff, parents, grandparents, etc.

For fun I'm trying to grow a hydrangea from a leaf cutting. I read all about it on the internets. I shall keep you posted! And I finally found place where the hummingbirds will visit my feeder. Fourth spot's the charm. That's about it for yard updates. I still have three bags of mulch to spread. Need to get on that.

God bless the children who live in your county. I hope there are wiser people in charge at their school districts that will watch out for their well being.