Tuesday June 23, 2020

Weight 122.6, WW Bluepoints 9. Up a pound from that pizza on Sunday. Not a true pound, but still... Good thing I don't eat it often.

I have been working slowly on stripping the old finish on the bathroom floor. I finally got a stripper that works without a ton on scraping as long as it soaks for 15 minutes first. Once I have it all clean and smooth I have to figure out how to get it shiny again. But at least it will start out smooth.

Shirl, I did start Marcella and it has already sucked me into 3 episodes. Another series I have been watching lately is City Homicide which is from Australia. Good shows!

I am having coffee with a guy late this morning. Should be interesting...

Have a safe and healthy Tuesday!

You all are making beautiful improvements to your homes!!

And I'm over here trying to kill bathroom mold on the wall with Clorox spray. Interesting thing. It does kill it. It also bleaches your walls. Hellooooo unexpected weekend warrior project. I'm not sure I've ever been quite as upset with myself. Of all the spaces and all the projects, I had to mess up our beautiful master bath. Argh

Things have been tense at our house. I'm really hoping its just the cir****tances. Two little kids are hard under the best of cir****tances. Throw in a global pandemic and then job insecurity. Makes stuff really fun.

So I haven't really felt sunshiney. Maybe this is how most people feel all the time. But I am someone *****ally needs routine and certainty. There is none of that right now. We are people people. We are vacationers. Not to even mention there probably won't be football this year. I keep trying to remind myself that it could be sooooo much worse. But to be honest and bratty, I'm tired of my phrase for 2020 being "it could be worse."

I am grateful at least that my weight has remained stable. 156.4 I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in ages. Kids club still hasn't opened so I had to do it while they were in Mother's day out. Sore muscles today. Feels like living.

DD-you have been in my thoughts

Shirl-hoping your mother is okay. My MIL swears she has covid. She's had trouble breathing etc but doesn't want to get a test. I'd kind of like to know but I guess it doesn't really matter.

Coffee with a man, I'm thinking must be a nice man if you've agreed to meet up with him. I think you mentioned he also lost his spouse to Alzheimer's. Could be a really good thing to meet up, nobody knows better what each of you are going through.

I've done the bleach thing too on very vivid paint color in the bathroom. It's so irritating when you realize what you've done. Bonnie I agree that the phrase it could be worse starts to be worthless. Your pain is your pain, it doesn't have to be relative to anyone else's. You've lost your sil in a terrible way, DH not even being able to be with her. Your friend is sick with cancer. Friends around you are losing their jobs, you've already set yours aside for now, and your worried about DHs job. And most of the activities that help you find balance are not available right now.

Yesterday was tough. It's a long back story, but a few years ago, a very good friend of mine, one of my very best friends went through a very bad time, and took it out on me. Our families were really close, we're Godparents to one of the kids. She began taking little digs at me all the time, but grew even more attached to my husband. I was never concerned about anything romantic, but it was clear she would text him to tell him about something with one of the kids, and not me etc. We talked about it, DH and me, and decided we would wait and see if once she got through this tough spot, things would normalize. There came a time when she asked husband for a favor that I thought was inappropriate, and told him he would have to say no, and all texts would now include me. He readily agreed. She then cooled a lot toward both of us. But then she met a nice man, and started communicating as before, saying we should all get together etc. We had such a long history, our families were so intertwined, I really wanted to try. I felt like she had had a breakdown, but was better. So I tried many times to set up dates to get together, but she would never commit to a date. Finally, I decided she was soft ghosting me. I could think a lot of mean things if I wanted, maybe she did have designs on my husband, maybe now that she had a boyfriend, she didn't need us to help move furniture etc., and she dropped us after 20 years. Whatever, I accepted that the friendship was over. Her last communication was 9months ago, and it was a text sorry I haven't gotten back to you about dinner yet, I'll call you this week. So yesterday she texted me, she'd heard about my cancer, she was here for us, she knows that we haven't seen each other, with kids grown and everything... I just felt incensed. I texted her back, and thanked her for the well wishes, but the reason we didn't see each other was because she didn't want to see me. I added too much water had gone under the bridge, we weren't going back. I wished her well, and said I sincerely hoped for her happiness. Well, nobody likes being called out about their **** so then came a million excuses, etc. and my failings as a friend. It was so exhausting. I finally just stopped texting with my final text being, again, I wish you well. Because I do. It was all so painful, but also necessary. Today I have a little emotional "hangover", but again, glad to finally have some real closure.

Today I get my hair done. I don't really feel up to the 2 hour drive etc, but I would not want to cancel on my niece. Also, I know I will be happy to have my normal color.

That is so hard. I think friend breakups are real and maybe we don't grieve them enough. I know people are busy. But I also get tired of excuses. I can't always be the one trying to make it work.

I actually kind of feel this way about my sister. For years and years and YEARS she put it up to our age difference (8.5). But funny thing is...I have many friends her age and older. My husband is 14 years my senior! Then it was I couldn't understand because she had kids. Now I've come to accept she just doesn't like me very much. I feel bad about it especially since my younger sister and I are so close. I feel bad because I would love for my girls to grow up knowing their nieces. But I'm just so tired of being the one to call and her not returning my phone calls. I mean at the very least--what if I had news about mom and dad?!!! We made a last minute trip 3.5 hours to see them weekend before last. Definitely felt like we were imposing and when my girls wouldn't fall asleep there, Rich decided we needed to drive back home. I did feel upset at Rich for being so rash. But my sister told me that it was going to "break her girls' hearts". I felt like we handed her the perfect excuse. Of course they should never bother inviting us to the lake (though the never did before) because our kids are difficult or we're too difficult etc. It's just so unpleasant to feel like you're begging someone to like you. There's a lot of vulnerability and hurt in that. So I'm sorry you went through that.

Unfortunately my colleague passed away last week. Her oldest just graduated high school. I still cannot make sense of it. I cannot think like that. But at the same time, we should all be trying to live our best lives. Even in the midst of everything.

Hard to "like" this, but I do like what you wrote because there is a lot of truth in it. Sometimes family members just aren't meant to be friends. I think one of the hardest things in life to learn is that not everyone has to like you. It's hard to know that there are people who don't like you, but when you turn it around and understand there are people you simply don't like and don't want to spend time with, it makes more sense and becomes easier to deal with.

Both you and Rich have been through a lot these last few months, and Covid is not helping. And further confirmation from your sister that you don't have the relationship you would wish for. It must be hard for your parents too. The fact my children ars very close is a great joy to me. Not that you can change this for your parents, clearly you've tried. It's just sad.

I didn't want to be angry with my friend. Once I gave up, anytime I had an angry thought about her, I used to visualize her the way we used to laugh together, on a boat, floating away, me standing on the shore waving goodbye. I told myself my friend was gone and I had to let her go, whoever this selfish petty person standing in her shoes was, they were not my friend, and I didn't need to give any energy to them. I wanted to keep my good memories, there was so much history, holidays, vacations, baptisms, everything. She was like my sister. But then she had to come bearing false sympathy and lies.

You have a lot of negativity swirling around right now BB. You need to be around people you enjoy and enjoy you (however that can be managed these days).

Oh Diane! Too much mental health expended when you have to save it for yourself! I am sorry, but I think she is selfish and contacted you so she would look good. I may be jaded but I had a "friend" like that once...

Right? I had come to a place of peace with the dissolution of our friendship, without having to say, we're done, and thereby allowing her children to still be part of our lives. But as I said, I have an emotional hang over today, but it's done, and I can feel it receding again.

Well, as anticipated, there is some rot underneath the toilets. Even redwood planks can't tolerate long term leaks. However, it's pretty mild considering how long the water must have been slowly leaking on the wood under the tile. I'm sure the master bath will have the same issue. The foreman asked me if we had a guy that would come fix the subfloor. I said, "Nope. Your boss knew this was a possibility and assured me 'he' would take care of necessary repairs."

Ron, Keira and I are holed up in our 10x10 office this morning. Much banging going on.

My weight is up. I think it is due to sitting in the car for 10 hours on Sunday and also from not eating enough fruit and veggies the past several days. Today we have no kitchen, so we will be doing take out for lunch and dinner. But being kitchen-less for a single day is not a big deal.

I had strange dreams last night. All over the map. Just weird stuff. I was awake before 6:00 am, but was able to drift in and out until just before 7:00. I got a full night of sleep, but I am feeling tired.

DD - sorry about your friend and the closure of your friendship, but it sounds as if it is for the best. We had to come to some pretty harsh conclusions with Ron's family quite a number of years ago. His siblings tend to offer lip service about getting together. I finally gave up trying to plan things with individual members of his sibling group. There was never any follow through - especially with his brother and wife. I just learned to smile and say "Oh, yes, we must get together. Let us know a good time for you." This went on for years until Ron's brother finally moved to TX this last autumn. I have told Ron that I consider them family, that I think they are good people, but we're not "friends". After thinking about that, Ron was inclined to agree. He has two sisters that we consider friends. Relationships can be complex.

Shirl, hope you are negative, but if you are positive I wish you a mild case and strong immunity to follow! Since my illness in March that is what I hope for myself.

Liz, happy coffee date. Can't wait to read about it. Dipping a toe in - good going!

BB, you have a LOT on your plate right now. Life with toddlers is stressful no matter how perfect the rest of your life is. The nice thing is that the girls will grow up and things will get easier.

Diane Mc - hope the decking project is going well. Hope I didn't offend with my plywood comments. I am truly worried about the the standing water you'll have because of the plywood underlayment. Hope it doesn't come back to bite your project in the butt!

I had a couple of low days. I think my weight, eating, the nutritional counseling, prepping for the redo of the floors, a good friend needing to go to rehab, has all caught up with me. I also worry about Blitz and the testicular issue. It went back up on Sunday... Sigh.... However, I am very grateful to have worries such as these. I am truly lucky to have the kind of stress I have. All of my stress seems to be coming from abundance, not because I lack a true need. How wonderful is that?

Off to the gym and then an afternoon of banging. I think we'll have the living room back for this evening, though. We'll see.