Friday June 5, 2020

Weight 120.8, WW Bluepoints 10.

I am overwhelmed by the intelligent discussion here yesterday and under-energized to respond to it. I too keep friends with differing opinions though we may have to curtail discussions on certain topics at times. And I am feeling VERY manipulated by the media and other interest groups. My emotional energy is feeling low lately which makes it even harder to discern where truth lies. Which is why I am avoiding too much consumption of "news".

I had a zoom get together last night with 9 friends from high school. I again felt overwhelmed by discussions of what is going on with covid and riots as well as their discussions on working and future plans. I guess I have been in a bubble this last few months in Florida. One thing that stood out is one woman's husband is a police officer in a mid sized town south of Boston. When he isn't home but my friend is, her brother-in-law stays because apparently some groups have been giving out police personal addresses and encouraging people to cause havoc at their homes.

Part of my overwhelm may be that I felt super tired yesterday because my PCP increased one of my BP meds and my BP was finally quite low (which I am not used to). We have been working on lowering it for a few weeks now.

Nothing else to report. DS and I are going to a neighbors for a socially distanced ****tail hour this afternoon after I get my hair cut and highlighted (yeah)! My hairdresser contacted me to make sure I wore a mask.

Still no scheduling of pregnancy reveal. No reason for the delay - all tests have been done, the baby is apparently quite healthy and they are way beyond the end of the first trimester (about halfway through the pregnancy). The only reason now seems their uncertainty about how to announce it...

Stay safe and healthy!

I don't really understand delaying pregnancy announcements. I know it's very popular to wait until you're out of the first trimester. And it is true that the odds of miscarriage are much lower at that point. But, just my humble opinion, I think this unspoken rule can harm some women. In fact, when I told friends at a cookout when I was 8 weeks pregnant and had already had the first ultrasound and seen a heartbeat, I was told by one "friend" that I "shouldn't" tell yet and that something might happen. As though it's less of a joy and if something happens and I awkwardly have to untell people, that's on me. I can see how if it's something you've been through before and it's been really hard on you, maybe you do guard your heart. But I also see nothing wrong with announcing early. Honestly I think that may be the time period the woman needs more support and excitement. I had very smooth first trimesters. But I know some mommas are very sick, and can be very afraid.

Additionally, there is no "safe" time to announce, unfortunately. My sister had two babies born way too early, at about 20.5 weeks. They were just too early for viability.

So a really good friend of mine finally sent a picture and confessed that she's pregnant. 23 weeks pregnant! I felt a little like "I thought we were closer than that." Times have been weird. She hasn't been out in public or anywhere that people would know she was pregnant. and to her credit, she had wanted to tell her friends in person. And I think it just kinda got away from her. But from a friend's perspective, I guess it kind of hurt! And i'm having to work through why I felt entitled to that information! I just really wanted to be there to share her excitement and joy. This is her first girl. And funny as it is, I had just text her a couple weeks back to tell her all the southern girl clothes I've been buying and how I just knew she'd have a girl someday and make a great girl mom. She's having a girl! but I did think it was rather weird that she didn't take that opportunity to spill the beans. But it just goes to show you how differently people process information (or silence!).

I think what is especially difficult about this delay is that the future grandmother, my SIL, has stage 4 lung cancer. She is doing well, but... She is so excited by the news and would LOVE to have something positive to talk about but she can't. And she should be able to revel in the happiness this brings her as long as possible IMHO.

Liz, I identify with your feelings and energy levels surrounding all of this.

A tip for those getting your hair cut and colored and needing a mask - double sided body (or boob) tape! That stuff that is safe for skin and keeps clothes from getting too revealing. I had some around from a dress I had that gaped a bit. It worked great for sticking the mask to my face so I didn't have to wear the ear parts and have them get color on them and get in the way...

Not much going on here. We went from hot to drizzly June Gloom. A friend stopped by yesterday afternoon and we went for a masked walk in the park. Nothing on deck for today. I need to figure something out. It probably should be cleaning related!

Great idea!

Happy January, everyone! LOL! It's that little keyboard of yours, Liz.

I think I failed to mention that Ann told me there has been an uptick in Covid19 cases in her area since they reopened. She is staying socially distant, but I can't help but wonder how scary it might be to have a rise in cases in more rural area with fewer resources.

I am feeling pretty darn well today. Weight is continuing a very slow and gradual downward trend, without 'dieting'. This, naturally, makes me feel positive about what is going on in my eating, food, and emotional life.

I told Ron exactly how I felt about the comments about my eating habits. I kept it all to 'I messages' using my Soul Shoppe training we teach the kids! Hey, don't laugh, it works! Later we got into a heated discussion about an acquaintance's reaction to a comment about our county allowing 100 participants in protest rallies, but only 12 for personal or business or social gatherings. Clearly, there is a political necessity for the newly posted county guidelines. During a Zoom retirement party yesterday, our acquaintance, a well educated black woman, became very upset by the comments made about the difference in group numbers taking it as a personal affront to the current protests. Our acquaintance spoke very heatedly about our collective insensitivity and disregard for her as an individual and the black culture. Her speech all but stopped the 'party'. One of the women left Zoom in tears, apologizing saying that was not what she intended at all. Ron was very supportive of the black woman. I was not. I didn't disagree with anything she said, but I took issue with the jump she made from quips about Covid related social distancing issues to interpreting the comments as a slight to the current protests and the systemic racism so prevalent in our country.

I mention all this because during our heated debate Ron mentioned my reaction to his comments about my eating and how he considered them irrational. I kept that down until we finished our debate about the other issue. Then at dinner when he asked me what was bothering me I told him. I didn't hold back one bit. I told him that with all the understanding and experience he has about me and my eating disorder, whether he intentionally or subconsciously was trying to upset and hurt me, that is exactly what he did, and that it was a choice on his part. He knows that any even slightly negative comments about my eating habits are hurtful. He even went so far as to say that because of my history that I just might take comments out of context - comments that are supposed to be loving. I stood my ground, didn't waver. I held to the fact that comments such as he made are purposely hurtful and not allowed. I told him he could think whatever he wanted, but he needed to keep those types of negative, hurtful thoughts to himself. I have no room for them in my life or my recovery. So HA! Felt good to hold my own and not take it! And I did it with words that were firm and neutral. Yay me!

Speaking my mind and getting my thoughts out also helped me deal with the emotions at hand. Lo and behold, I didn't have the urge to eat my feelings. Funny how that works, huh?

I have a puppy person coming today for ear setting. Later at 3 pm I have my weekly meeting with my nutritionist. I'm looking forward to that because I'm feeling like I'm doing the work that is gradually getting me where I need to be. It will be nice to report on some of the work I have done this week.

Again, i have to say how wonderful it is to have this venue to share and work through so much of what may seem unrelated to my weight issues and my eating issues. It has been a long road to travel to get to this place where I can finally say my eating and my weight are not the real problem. It's the emotional disconnect or dysfunction behind the eating that needs the healing. You all have been a big part of this journey. So, thank you.

Happy Friday - though every day seems like Friday (or Tuesday, or Sunday... LOL)

It's hard work to set our boundaries and defend them. You are ever the teacher, respectfully but firmly teaching Ron how you expect to be treated.

I remember once feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted, saying to my husband, do you want me to do everything around here? He replied, of course I do, who wouldn't? It stopped me dead in my tracks. He was quick to point out it wasn't fair, but the reality is, most of us would allow someone else to do the heavy lifting if we could. So we must set the boundaries. And it's good for all parties. Resentment is no good for the person feeling it, and no good for the partner it's directed at.

I have high hopes that Ron will digest the truthful sharing of your feelings and try to do better. I know I have been on the receiving end of similar conversations from both family and a subordinate at work. It is really hard to hear, but when one mulls it over later and thinks about where it is coming from it can really change behavior. At least I'd like to think that I changed (I am pretty sure I did).

I would say that we all have different levels of energy/emotion to bring to the turmoil we are experiencing. For some people, just surviving quarantine is a draining task. Taking breaks seems entirely appropriate. Keeping in mind that when we're ready to reengage, we may be at a moment when real terribly important change can occur. An opportunity.

I donated to an organization that works to protect voting rights. I am going to investigate volunteering to drive people who need rides to the polls. Voting rights feel like a primary issue. I only need to go to the polls in my community where I wait a maximum of 10 minutes, and see others who wait HOURS to know the system is not fair.

I announced I was pregnant to myself and the world by throwing up all over myself while driving to work. I drove home, called in sick, and called my sil to ask what obstetrician she used. I told her I just threw up all over and realized I missed my period. I could hear her saying to her husband, DH's brother, Wonderful news, Diamond D just threw up and wants my doctor's name :) I was so sick with both pregnancies I couldn't keep it a secret even if I wanted to.

I feel bad for younger people who, because of social media, have so much pressure to do promprosals, and marriage proposals, and pregnancy announcements and gender reveals , with such fanfare. If DH had to propose in some grand gesture to post online, I might still be single.

Liz,

Thank you for the pancake recipe! LOVED IT! I did make some adjustments, to suit my own tastes and cooking anxiety.

I used 1 egg, 1 banana, 2 TBS greek yogurt and 2 TBS regular pancake mix. Even with the addition of the pancake mix, still a wonderfully healthy breakfast for me and SOOOOOOO tasty and decadent feeling!