4/3/2020, T.G.I.F.

Weight: 163

Only a couple accidents yesterday for the potty training girl. But I don't know how it'll go once I'm not telling her to sit on the potty every 20 minutes. We shall see.

Like DD I'm dealing with this grief or restlessness or uncertainty or whatever you want to call it.

Maybe I can vent my bummer feelings real quick? This still feels, hopefully, temporary so it's hard for me to commit to a plan for this time. But plans are what I thrive off. I really feel like I'm just treading water which is NOT something that makes me feel good, but maybe treading water is all that can be done at this point? I already felt a little restless at home with kids, but now with nothing to get out and do, the walls feel like they're closing in at times. I'll be honest, at times I resent having to do the mothering thing. It's a lot of work and right now it feels endless. Then the whole thing with SIL. Also feeling helpless there--with her in a hospital 1.5 hours away, and the doctors don't seem to be communicating with each other (not sure if this is typical when one doesn't have admitting privileges to the other?) much less with us. And then there is the more general concern about DH's job. He's in the oil industry which is ALL doom and gloom right now. Geez.

I do know I should be thankful for everything. Gratitude sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes makes me feel like I really suck for being down when things are relatively good. But I'll make a stab at it: I'm able to keep watch over my children and have them near me. Their education is not at risk because they aren't school-aged. I'm a SAHM and therefore not trying to do the impossible task of watching 2 kids 2 and under and working from home. DH does have a job! SIL is able to get medical care and hopefully the measures being taken will protect her as she now finds herself in one of the most vulnerable classes.

That does kind of feel better.

I need to sort out my to-dos. I think I need to decide if I can stick to a goal or if now I just need to be. Right now I'm just cooking as I can and taking care of everyone. But weightgain does filter how I view everything else in life. I'm just not sure how to handle it. But then I think I'm making excuses. But maybe they're good excuses. In the best of times, two tiny tots are A LOT. It's physically hard to even make dinner. And right now, casseroles and leftovers have been my jam...but those aren't the healthiest. Plus our veggie fruit eating has been nil. And then there's reese's eggs. Okay yeah this just turned into excuses!!

Sorry for being a bummer today, guys. I reeeally struggled yesterday.

Yesterday was lasagna and salad for dinner. It was good. But I'm scared how much I was able/wanted to eat. Usually when I start to feel like my pouch is stretched, if I take a few days to be conscious about my eating, it snaps right back.

Tonight's dinner?

The unrelenting needs of little children are overwhelming in the best of times, let alone times like these. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, my morning sickness was so bad, every morning I would lay on the couch and my daughter watched Snow White. I felt so guilty at first, using the tv to babysit her. But finally I decided to cut myself some slack, and surrender to the fact we were just going to survive this moment in time the best we could. Be kind to yourself.

I just can't. I want to be engaged. I want to find normal. NYC residents are now asked to wear masks whenever out. My DD is living reality that scares me to death. Up at 3:30 AM to fill another box and get it in the mail. I just want to take some of her pain away and comfort/protect her. I can't.

Diane, I can't possibly like this. But I love you.

Oh Diane

I cried today when I told my daughter, the story of your daughter and braiding hair. I have no words for what you are going through.

And some good news ... my NYC 44-year-old friend who was in hospital on a ventilator for 6 days got out of the ICU yesterday and went home today to continue his recuperation with his husband and child. (His husband is not nearly so ill and is recovering at home, too.)

Feels like GREAT news out of NYC.

Joyous news indeed.

Greetings Dear Ones

Another day another lock down. I did go out to drop off the signature stuff for my tax returns at the accountant. Assistant comes out to my car. Whoo Hoo, I get a big refund. Last couple of years taxes were odd due to inherited IRA accounts but now we are back to more normal income levels. I also went to CVS to get Skinny pop and red wine, my vices. Gotta have it. A lot of people had masks on but this one woman was wearing it with her nose out of it! Duh. Guess I will start. I am going out every 2 or 3 days for quick errands.

Spent most of yesterday getting all the documents our accountant said we would need to apply for a paycheck protection loan for the studio. Lots of work. Then when its all ready this am, complete with very professional cover letter, I get an email saying it must all be submitted elecronicly! Crap! I needed Liz to help me with the tech but DH did it. Scanned in tax returns and payroll stuff, had to collect drivers license info from one of our owners who is in Hawaii, and on and on to pull it together. I submitted it but I did not get a confirmation so I am not sure it went through. Drives me nuts. Can't wait until its 5pm for a glass of wine.

Forgive all my *****ing. I have much to be grateful for. DD I can sense your angst and hope its clearing up. Its tough for all of us

DH is sort of pacing around and trying to feed the dogs about every 5 minutes and wondering why they don't eat. Duh. I want him to go outside. I think he is really scared of this. Who isn't. 27 cases in our county now. Some break ins on the town square where our gallery is. Someone is going to go take all the cash out of there which is usually my job but I will let someone else do it.

My desk is a wreck due to piles of information needed for loan and taxes.

Thinking of you Diane O especially with your daughter on the front lines. Wish I could help. Mask making is a total gift. If anyone needs help with the paycheck protection loan programs I can maybe help someone. Meanwhile I am helping myself to peanut butter and bread.

More later when I have something constructive to say. Diane S

In case any of you where wondering, did she go to her classroom and get her desk chair? I did, and will add with great satisfaction, that after one of my friends saw me and said, good idea!, I later saw her wheeling hers across the parking lot. :)