Monday March 23, 2020

Weight 123.8, WW Bluepoints 10. Weight last seen on 1/24/2019.

It is so good to have DD here. Yesterday we remembered my oldest DD and DH. They were really good memories. Because I miss them so much it is good to think and talk about them. I think it has been very important for me since DD passed to be able to see pictures and savor memories because my mother did the opposite when my father and brother died. They died 2 years apart when I was 12 and 14. My mother put away all pictures and shut down my brothers room and my fathers closet. She left them unchanged until she moved from that house 30 years later. She was depressed and alcoholic nearly all of that time.

So more doing nothing much today, though DD will be WFH. Justice is loving his walks and we have now started adding game playing to our other activities. We played rummy yesterday which I probably haven't played for 30+ years. And we washed the covers on the porch dining chairs yesterday. They came out much better than I expected.

Stay healthy and strong!

160.6

A bit too rich foods yesterday. I made a peanut butter chocolate pie. Maybe one more small slice and then take it to my parents.

Liz-I am so glad that you find healing and comfort in memories of Elise. And I feel very privileged that you share that with us.

It looks like we'll have nicer weather for the next few days so I hope to get outside, perhaps a walk.

I'm thinking about taking this time to potty train Becca. It feels brilliant (because we'll be at home anyway and the method I want to use basically involves staying home and pantless for 3 days) and insane at the same time. I guess we'll try. I think I will start on Thursday and give myself through the weekend. Supposedly the first days goes very bad, sometimes the second too, but then by the 3rd something miraculous happens. I'm going to try not to judge before then!

I'll try to monitor my portions but it's difficult to eat "right" when I'm indoors like this all day.

Plan:

B: 1 egg and 1 piece toast, coffee

L: leftover chili and cornbread

D: Beef stroganoff made from leftover roast, probably brussels sprouts but maybe salad

The senior center is using their employees to deliver their meals on wheels instead of volunteers. I understand! So much for helping there!

My sleep sucks. And at this point I have used the Calm app so much, the voice of the main narrator is turning into nails on a chalkboard and the nighttime crickets they have as background (it's waves during the day) are driving me batty. Time to switch to another book on tape.

We had loads of rain last night, but the sun is out this morning. I might go for a drive that involves staying in my car, just for a change of scenery.

Knitting is coming along.

Weight: 133.2
Veggies/Fruits: 6
Macronutrients: Cals - 1,761, Carbs - 203, Fats - 57, Proteins - 114, Fiber - 35
WW Green SmartPoints: 50 (and all were on purpose, since I now want to stop losing weight)
Water: 4 cups
Fitbit Recorded Sleep: Much better ... 5'45" last night plus a 4-hour nap yesterday afternoon
Exercise: 7,807 steps (still using the walker most of the time)

On the plus side yesterday: Better hydration. Much better sleep (almost 10 hours total). Walking is still good, without overdoing anything. Pain meds went down to 2 tabs; will try to keep it there today. Definitely ate more calories of good nutrition, but weight still going down, so aiming for 2,000 cals. today. I have no idea why I'm still counting WW points.

Liz, I'm so very glad your daughter is with you and that y'all had a good day. BTW, every time you tell that story of the loss of your father and brother and your mother's bereavement decisions (which, as a child, you also experienced) I am gob-smacked. Then compared to those experiences, you've had your own family losses as an adult and managed NOT to permit your mother's behavior to instruct your adult behavior. Wild applause here from the wings, my dear!

From the self-quarantine front, yesterday I was a bit of a zombie (although maybe we shouldn't be using that word yet, since we don't know what else is coming down the pike!). Today I'm a little more clear-headed and willing to be amused by anything. Speaking of which, this hilarious article about what spouses are learning about each other's work personas during the quarantine will make you wet your pants!

That's all for now .... xoxoxoxo

Ann, I think I tried to learn from my mother and be there for my children when she wasn't when we needed it. We are all formed by a combination of our personality and experience. In my case, I think it made me strong, but also controlling. And perhaps too much of the latter to let go sometimes. But in the end I guess I am essentially a survivor. I am lucky that my earlier family years were solid, that I did ultimately get to enjoy knowing my real (sober) mother, that I married a wonderful man and had great children. As my DH said a few years ago, there was a time in our life together when we both felt we were so lucky.

Liz, I'm so glad your daughter's presence gives you comfort. I'm sure your presence is a lifeline for her right now.

I am on spring break, but daughter is working. I hear her moving around downstairs, it's comforting. We are meeting in the staff dining room (aka the kitchen), for lunch at 12:30pm.

Today I will deep clean our bedroom. I heard a box land on the front porch, hopefully my new bedding.

My Mom did something to her already fragile back (she's had 2 fusions and both hips replaced), and has been in agony. She spent yesterday in bed, taking pain meds every 4 hours. She never agrees to narcotics. She hates them. She texted she was on her way to the emergency room this morning. The last place she should be, but she seems to have no other option. I'm sure she's scared. I am too, but we must not give into panic.

OUCH! In many ways, DD. I'm so sorry.

Ann

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I was somewhat off my feed, as they say. I ended up taking a several hour nap, complete with weird dreams. Went to bed relatively early considering how late I slept with my nap... but I slept fitfully and also had more weird dreams. My favorite weird dream was letting Ace out of his crate noticing he had bent the metal on the door and then I found my favorite little sieve torn apart in his crate. Just weird stuff....

I read a biographical account last night of a 42 year old man in Chicago who is suffering from COVID19. Holy Crap. It is scary **** It is NOT a flu. It is NOT an overblown cold. It is a crushing, debilitating, hellacious, fevered, breath snatching mother ****** of a disease. The descriptions the man gives of his fevers and his thinking is terrifying. Scared the hell out of me. I am scared to death to get this virus. This man is a strong, in shape guy. There were moments he describes of having to convince himself to make the effort to pick up a glass to drink water instead of letting go and giving in to the disease.

Needless to say I had Corona Virus anxiety yesterday. I feel much better today and have to remember to focus on the things that I can control - like staying safely away from others as much as possible. Today is a full week of total self isolation. Ron and I are thinking of maybe going for a walk with a couple of the dogs. I need to do something...

I have spent most of the morning working to check in with families. I have a FaceTime call scheduled with one student at 1:00 pm. That should be fun. - Just finished the call. I love what my student said to her mom: "That was really fun, but really awkward." I so agree, but we'll get better at it as time goes on. I really hope we get to go back to school this year. I know it's up in the air, but I sure would like to have some closure with these kids.

I need to focus on productivity right now. It is too easy for me to slip into a non productive mode and start to feel depressed.

I wish I was a more gifted tailor. I, too, would make some masks, but I'm not too good beyond making a straight seam. I did inherit a sewing machine from Ron's mom. I might at least try....

My weight is holding in the 265s. I am actively "not dieting" but eating to create satiety both physically and emotionally. Example: Dinner last night was an artichoke appetizer followed about 1/2 hour later with about 3/4 cup chili and a piece of artisan cheese toast. Ron looked at me with the most befuddled look when I said we were having artichokes and chili. LOL! I admit it was a weird combination, but when he realized I was serving in courses he acquiesced. By the end of dinner he was a happy camper. I've also been keeping to my no sugar rule during school hours and have taken the gift of being home to make sure I eat a balance and protein centered first meal. Sometimes it's around noon, so I can't quite call it breakfast.... Today was eggs and turkey sausage, sliced banana, blueberries, and Fage 2% with a scratch made banana orange pancake. I know... sounds like a lot. And it is. I have a bigger sleeve than most. In some ways that's great and in some ways it sucks. Anyhow, I wasn't able to eat all that I served. I saved the fruit and yogurt to finish later.

Bonnie the stroganoff sounds delish! I think that's going to be on my menu tonight, too!

I have a phone appointment with my shrink today at 4:00. I feel weird about that. Not sure why. Maybe because Ron is home and I won't feel completely at ease to share as I might. I am super real with my shrink - nothing is off limits. Not sure how real I will be with Ron in the house. Shrink time is my time...

I would like to lose another 5 pounds. I am not sure exactly how I will manage that without "dieting". Going to have to look at some habits and see what I can tweak. I know I can add more fluid. That will help, but it's been hard lately to drink more than 24-32 oz of water each day.

Guess I have purged enough for one day..... cheers!

I read a doctor interviewed in Italy who said these people who are dying are not comatose. They are fully awake and aware they are dying, gasping, and grabbing at their tubing. They are begging to call their loved ones to say goodbye. It sounds utterly gruesome and I wish the naysayers and deniers first had to watch this happen to someone and if that doesn't work, that their names go on a "do not treat" list so they don't get treatment ahead of someone who followed the rules and still somehow got sick.

The anger is real for me, too, Ceci. I have a list of those people, starting with the owners of Fox News, most of their headliners, and Rush Limbaugh.