02/15/2020 Saturday

DD ... there's my third reason for enjoying vicariously the life you are living.

There's a shelter in St. Paul, that allows people in when they are drunk. And people can drink in it's courtyard. I understand that most shelters have to have rules about being drunk or high, it creates dangerous chaos for others. But this shelter's mission is to serve chronic alcoholics. In an interview the director said, these people have been to treatment time and time again, they have a chronic disease that is going to kill them. At least they can have a warm bed. I thought it was one of the most compassionate things I'd ever heard.

DD, me, too!

Happy 56th B'day to me! My celebration began by sleeping in a tad, though I'm running on just over 6 hours of sleep. Had a nice leisurely morning, then went and had a b'day workout. LOL! Seriously, I texted my trainer last night and asked if she wanted to make up our missed session on Wednesday this morning. I did a back and leg work out. My legs were feeling wobbly when I was done, but I'm feeling a bit more steady now! Hehehehehe! I'm glad I chose to do something on my b'day that was healthy and felt good.

A great deal of my thinking the past weeks has revolved around my predisposition to addiction/addictive behavior. I am often mentally exhausted by the work it takes to manage (and not manage) addiction. Being in recovery can be a lot of work, but being in the throes of addiction or addictive behavior can also be emotionally taxing. I realize that there are more changes I need to make in order to feel more at peace. Some of those changes are internal (self talk, etc...) but some of them are also external (computer, tv, etc....)

I tend to do a lot of editing while I write. When I write here, on topics like addiction, I do a lot of mental editing for fear of being perceived as a whiner, a cyclical relapser, general loser... in the getting my **** together in the weight category. I have been feeling lately that I am a model representative for the adage, "The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions". My intentions are honorable, my attempts are sincere. What I have been lacking is not the JFDI attitude, what has been missing for me is the JUST F'ing KEEP DOING IT component.

I know that my weight is symptom of my disease of addiction. I also know that most people don't see my weight that way. That is a good and a not so good thing - a double edged sword of sorts. On the one hand most people don't equate my weight with deep rooted psychological issues. I save face and my obesity in their eyes is not because I'm insanely addicted to mood altering substances. On the other hand, most people don't equate my weight with deep rooted psychological issues. LOL! The see my weight as sloth, a lack of self restraint, or a lack of caring about myself. And luckily, there are those who just see me for me, but even those who "get" me have been kept somewhat at bay for my own safety's sake.

This bit of writing is a good gift to myself today. I've needed to put words to the feelings for several weeks. There is more for me to write, but for now I think this amount of truth is good. I can say I have regained every pound since surgery (and then some) without a huge sense of shame, but the shame is there. It's below the surface. The pain is there, too. The disappointment, the despair, and the disdain are just there below the surface, too. What helps is that those feelings are keeping company with hope, compassion, and resilience.

Yay me! I get to be another day older, a new number and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope there are many, many, MANY more b'days in my future!

XO, Me

I remind myself often that everyone has their demons, flaws, and failures, I just happen to wear most of mine on the outside. In fat, in sags, in horrifying scars left from trying to get rid of evidence of that fat... I may win a battle now and then, but it's a never-ending, lifelong war played out directly on my person like a giant movie screen for everyone to see.

If ever there was a group you don't have to edit your thoughts about food, eating, weight, and addiction around it's this one!

Damn!...... Truth!.... Amen!

And above all, thank you!

Peps, I hope you keep thinking/writing/sharing. From a purely selfish perspective, you have taught me lots about how hard it is to find the truth and to say it out loud.

Ann

Thank you. I can wallow in unspoken truth for weeks upon weeks. It is not until the truth lies outside of my own thinking that it gains stamina and power.

Truth! I so love and appreciate the powerful articulations of complex reality ! This journey is possible because of the willingness of this treasured tribe to share significant hard earned insights ! Love you all soooo much !

You will never be a whiner or a loser! Though sugar may do you in frequently we have all been there. Your level of fitness is unsurpassed and your capabilities with the dogs and your students require dedication, focus and energy that most of us envy. We have all struggled with the addiction of food and might win some days but not others.

We love you Devon! You provide a heart and soul that binds our tribe. I know birthdays and other holidays can be introspective times sometimes bringing us down. I hope that you were able to throw that off and do some birthday celebrating.