01/25/2020, Saturday

1. Within Range: not yet
2. Blue SmartPoints: 25
3. General Wellbeing: 9
4. Fitness, Self-Care, Fun (FSF): walking Atlas and Sadie
5. Yesterday's Insights: self-dulling and guilt eating are things

I'm seeing a strengthening trend that fitness, self-care, and fun are firmly linked for me. When I find myself repeatedly writing the same response to three metric prompts, it is time to shake things up ! Fitness, self-care, and fun have merged to become FSF. I have added the category of yesterday's insights, to honor and better integrate new and/or elevated old insights.

The self-dulling and guilt eating topics activated a lot of thoughts for me. When I guilt eat, I am often taking on responsibility for things WAY out of my control, and then end up feeling guilty that I couldn't overcome/change things I can't control. Perhaps the Serenity Prayer should be higher up on my repertoire ?

Weight 134.2, WW blue points 16. Once again a bigger jump than I expected after yesterday's low but hopefully it will be back down in a day or two. The vegetarian chili which I have often relied on in the past for weight loss seems to be a bit binding and perhaps has too much sodium. Hmmm...

Insights...I have been trying to evaluate how I feel after DH's death. I am able to skip loneliness and isolation because I already had that for a few years. And he wasn't even present in our home for the prior few months. When DD died I remember feeling incredible anguish and pain immediately after her death to the point where my stomach would hurt in the morning when I first remembered and had to try getting out of bed. I felt like I was in this world apart from everyone and felt amazement when other people could converse or laugh easily. After the first few weeks I became very numb and felt like I was just going through the motions. I pretended to be interested in what other people were saying or doing including my remaining children. I faked joy at their achievements. But I put one foot in front of the other and carried on like usual. Gradually I thawed so that a few years later I was feeling life again. In fact the grief got sharper about 2-3 years after her death perhaps because of the thaw and I sought counseling. This time I think I went to numbness right away though it isn't so profound. I feel sadness about DH but it doesn't get intense and I really haven't cried at all. Everyone says I am so strong, but I think I am just falling into a familiar coping mechanism. I think this is somewhat healthy for me unless I stay here indefinitely. But I am doing what I did in the past: taking care of tasks and moving forward as best I can.

That is my self insight for right now - not something I have admitted to anyone else. Thank you for listening. Enjoy your Saturday!

We love you !

One of the things I admire about you is your ability to be authentic. In the last years, you have cried an ocean of grief, frustration, and loss. What you feel is what you feel, and your grief is yours. It doesn't need to be performative to meet the expectations of others.

Ditto DianeO. I love you.

These cups are bitter.

Prayers for comfort and peace. I would expect that your grieving has been going on for years as you loss has been going on for years as well.

Weight 194.6 One pound over pre-NZ. Hard to wrap my head around how much damage I did is such a short time

I read a quick article on the BBC website that really got me thinking this morning regarding procrastination: article

As a world class procrastinator, the premise of the article grabbed me and ai've lifted a few things that stood out here. They say the psychology world is changing its thinking on procrastination... Traditionally procrastination has been thought of as a time management problem but now it is being seen instead as an emotion regulation problem. Procrastinators in research score high on "psychological inflexibility" (ie they are dominated by their psychological reactions, like frustration and worry, at the expense of their life values) and score low on "committed action" (which describes how much a person persists with actions and behaviours in pursuit of their goals).

One solution they gave was, The next time you're tempted to procrastinate, make your focus as simple as "What's the next action - a simple next step - I would take on this task if I were to get started on it now?." Doing this, he says, takes your mind off your feelings and onto easily achievable action. "Our research and lived experience show very clearly that once we get started, we're typically able to keep going. Getting started is everything."

This resonated so much with me in relation to eating right and the whole notion of "being ready" we've been discussing. The emotions I'm not regulating (manifested as procrastination) have everything to do with the things food and eating does for me that have nothing to do with fuel. So when I'm having trouble starting, I need to ask myself what emotions am I trying to avoid?

Anyway, food for thought for me, and I wondered if anyone else related to any of it.

I've thought of procrastination as an issue with perfectionism, either the anxiety of I won't do this right, or I don't know for sure how to get the outcome I want sometimes holds me back. At least for bigger projects. For household tasks, well, some of them I simply don't want to do. I just have to force myself to do them as I remind myself how much better I'll feel when the kitchen is tidy. I'll have to read the article for some new insights.

Yup, yup, yup and yup. Perfectionism, or at least a fear that I'll screw it up, is another of my barriers to starting.

Interesting thoughts, Cecily -- from you and the article.

Those are in sync with the Zen Habits practices I've been studying and practicing for the past three years.

In fact, here's something I wrote recently on the ZH message board:

I've been doing Sea Change [taking on a new ha*****allenge every month] going on three years ... sometimes assiduously, sometimes not so much. ;) But better habits and their benefits continue to accrue to me. And (here's the weird part): Good habits seem to be sticking and strengthening with less and less agony on my part. As a lifelong procrastinator, I gotta say that's pretty shocking.

Not saying I'm perfect--far from it. Nor that I have dreams of ever being perfect, because ... human. But I guess I am willing to go out on a limb and say that starting small, being consistent(ish), increasing quantity/quality slowly (sometimes glacially), and not beating myself up about anything that happens (or doesn't) actually might be worth trying. ;)

Leo, I think you're onto something. :)

EDITED TO ADD THIS:

P.S. After I posted this the ZH dude, Leo Babauta, who's ALL about the significance of STARTING, posted this:

For those who are trying to get back on track ... A couple of important tips:

1. Always just start as if you have a fresh slate, a blank canvas. Don't worry about what has happened, except to draw some lessons. No judgment, no shame or blame or guilt. Just start over, like a fresh new start!

2. And of course, start small. Don't worry about where you were, it's not about comparing to that, but about starting again. Be willing to come back, over and over.