Thursday, 01/23/2020

Good morning!

I was able to check a chore off my list of must dos before end of January. I submitted for reimbursement of every last cent of my FSA for 2019. I know it's my money, but it feels like a little gift to get it all back every January! LOL!

I am not as enlightened as I think people believe me to be. I do my best to be honest and kind, but my ability to dig deep and feel my feels is pretty limited, or at least it feels limited to me. I have felt that gut churning flutter on and off for years. Sometimes I think it is sadness. Sometimes I think it is hopelessness. Sometimes I think it is fear, or disappointment, or disgust, or horror, or self pity, self hatred, or any type of feeling I don't like to acknowledge. Perhaps that feeling is home to all those things and that feeling in the pit of my gut is the receptacle area for all unpleasant feelings I experience and "put aside".

For now, I have decided to focus in on how I feel/what I am feeling when I want to eat things that are not conducive to weight loss or overall health. Maybe if I learn to acknowledge the feeling that comes with the desire to each chocolate after I eat lunch I can change the behavior and redirect my thinking.

Diane O. wrote about eating lean and green in her article. Theoretically, I would like to eat lean and green. However, I have convinced myself that since I don't like most vegetables, eating lean and green is a hard feat for me to accomplish. Honestly, some of the salads and veggies some of you describe preparing and eating are enough to make me want to gag! I think the most disgusting dish ever invented is Ratatouille! So last night I thought about eating a fruit and protein centric diet. It might work. Instead of lean and green, I could eat Whole, Fresh and Fruity! LOL!

Had a breakthrough AH HA moment while doing pull ups yesterday - squeezing my shoulder blades together through the entire movement forces my chest forward and the back muscles to engage and do the work and takes the work away from the shoulders! DUH.... But yeah! I am the nice kind of sore from my workouts this week. I always like that!

Going to try posting stats, too. Not sure I will keep it up, but what the hell....

Weight - 270 (up from yesterday)

Water - 48 oz.

Exercise - 45-50 minute back workout (cardio warm up)

WW SmartPoints Blue - 36

I am not as enlightened as I think people believe me to be. I do my best to be honest and kind, but my ability to dig deep and feel my feels is pretty limited, or at least it feels limited to me. I have felt that gut churning flutter on and off for years. Sometimes I think it is sadness. Sometimes I think it is hopelessness. Sometimes I think it is fear, or disappointment, or disgust, or horror, or self pity, self hatred, or any type of feeling I don?t like to acknowledge. Perhaps that feeling is home to all those things and that feeling in the pit of my gut is the receptacle area for all unpleasant feelings I experience and ?put aside?.

Your second paragraph. You are enlighten to me because after you write it all out, I think, I resemble that. I do have the benefit of living with a psych nurse. She tries to get me to describe it to get me to analyze myself. Not the best solution. Mental healthcare in this rural community is lacking for me. My psychiatrist just manages meds. He is a 5-6 hr round trip.

Good Morning All

Flying in quickly as Im driving DH to hospital for a bone marrow Bio this morning. I will wait there and work whilst hes having it done then bring him home. Trying to be sensible and calm but fear is a powerful thing isnt it.... I guess time and patience will bring us the update that has been playing heavily on my mind

Hope to catch up on posts whilst I wait from there

For now - love to you all as always

BTW - Weight up - I have been stress eating - why oh why do I do that time and time again GRRR 172.26 :(

More later

S

Somehow I missed or did not truly registered John needing a bone marrow biopsy. Best wishes for a positive outcome! Hugs!

I'm sorry, me neither. Positive thoughts and energy !ð?'??

Thinking of you and praying for good news.

Sorry to hear DH need of bone marrow biopsy. Hope he does not have too much pain. Praying for good results.

Did you tell us about the biopsy? That sounds really scary. I'm sorry!

Thank you beautiful tribe xx

No I didnt say anything as DH was determined that no one should know. I wanted to tell our kids collectively but will respect his wishes but felt this a forum that I actually could ...

Hes just been taken in and I will go back up to the ward in 30 mins. Im thankful he is under a very talented assoc professor who is diligent in his checks. DH has a blood disorder (MGUS)which causes too much protein and can lead to myloma. He has 3 mthly checks and this is his specialist setting the baseline - and ensuring we havent progressed. Interestingly some studies have shown people with high & prolonged exposure to diesel can develop this. And this would be DH to a tee - having worked with armoured vehicles for a major part of his 29+ career.

Also thankful to have access to one of the best cancer facilities- Peter Mac. The staff are amazing

Its lovely & sunny today- beautiful blue skies. Sending you all a little parcel xx

S

All fingers and toes crossed here!