12/30/2019 Monday

Oh, and once I am unburdening myself, my sister in law made the cake for the party. It was beautiful, and delicious. My Dad was so moved by her contribution, he began clapping, and ordered, clap, which everyone did, and told the group what an angel she is. She and my brother went home to sleep in their own beds. They texted Sunday morning they were too tired and worn out from the holidays to join us for brunch. I tell myself not to be petty. And it's true, we do what we do for family because it is the right thing to do. But sometimes applause would feel good to me also.

I hear you on that, too. My mother's 90th birthday party (in our home for 35 mostly out-of-town relatives who had driven up from Down South during a Midwestern blizzard) almost killed me and my husband.

But the photographs are glorious. ;) And ten years later I'm very glad we pulled it off.

A.

Thanks for your affirmations :) I really almost cancelled my Christmas Eve participation this year, but since my husband's sister passed away this spring, it wasn't the time to cancel our long standing Christmas tradition. And her husband did come to our house, so it was worth it, just to know we could offer him some companionship. So I am at peace with the decision to forge ahead, but, yes, I will be looking for those palm trees, or at least a restaurant next year. :) And for my parents, as you say, all the work lives on now in wonderful memories and photos.

I am still fighting to get well. Chest is opening up I think. One more day of antibiotics. Getting a lot done on my work bench.

Diane4dlm, glad DH is doing well post op. The pt helped me push the limits. Wiped me out for the day most days of pt.

Liz, hope everything goes well for DH transferring back to the regular memory center.

DianeS, Swimming is such a good exercise. We got a home energy monitoring system for Christmas. I thought your DH would enjoy watching it. The name of the system is Sense.

DD, looked like a great celebration for your parents.

Shirl, You are smothered in family and sounds like you would not have it any other way.

Ann, Your trip to Antartica looked wonderful and the polar plunge... never.

BB, Those pictures on FB are precious. Hope you enjoy your cruise.

Cecily, I try to stretch my birthday out too. Sometimes I buy regular house stuff from Amazon and tell DW when the package comes that it is for my birthday. Sometime a month after.

Devon, your wealth of dog knowledge has helped a bunch of us out. I think frequent puppies would be lots of work for both you and Ron.

Miss150, New pup. We have gotten both of our dogs from our kids when they could not keep them. One from a puppy mill. It was supposed to be a Havenese but it is larger than it is supposed to be.

For several years when the niece and nephew were still pretty young, we all would go into San Francisco for a Christmas Buffet at one of the very chic hotels. We always had a good time, but I always felt it was way too much money for what you actually got. I would have preferred meat and cheese trays or a breakfast casserole at home wearing a pair of jeans and a comfy shirt or sweater. LOL! I'm glad that's what we do now. Christmas Eve is the more formal event and it is a very light meal of meat and cheese plates to start followed by soup and salad. That's it! I guess my brother and I have simplified the holidays to make it work for us and our families. And as I mentioned previously, this Christmas was probably the most relaxed one we've had in years and years! Procrastination paid off in spades!

DD - I want to question one element of your narrative about Christmas preparation: It sounds more like a control issue than an actual burden thing. Just saying. Maybe working on lessening the need to have everything just so and delegating duties would help. Now I want to say, IF Ron ushered in guests and then gave me their drink orders, I would look him dead in the eye and tell him it was HIS job to serve the guests while I was doing the cooking in the kitchen. End. Of. Subject. That bull**** would not fly. We worked that type of stuff out long ago in our entertaining. I still have to remind him when we have a big party to stay on top of things, but I have no trouble pulling him away from his role as social host to do so.

I have been fairly silent about the WW thing, but it is my intention to start in with it, too. I'm sure I will be a green or blue type of guy. I am working on focusing on the fact that I will feel better physically and mentally if I am working on healthy eating and losing weight. I'm also looking at WW as a way of practicing and creating a sustainable and livable method of eating. Evidently, what I have tried since WLS has not been the ticket for me.

I have a training session today at noon, the shrink at 4, and one of my clients invited us for dinner tonight. Sort of a spur of the moment thing. Not sure what that is about, but they are nice people so, what the heck!

I have been a little hesitant to mention this here, but better confess now... I'm breeding Dottie this week. So, it's going to be back to back litters of puppies. We will take a year break after this, but given the upcoming year, I knew that this was the best option for breeding Dottie before she turned 3. Yes, I know. A little crazy.... You all can tsk, tsk me... I'm up for it... and boy I know I will be tired, but it is a labor of love. So with luck and the blessing of the fertility spirits we will welcome another litter of puppies into the world at the beginning of March.

I'm going on my very first cruise in June! I am doing a Viking Cruise down the Rhine River. Starts in Amersterdam and finishes in Basel, Switzerland. I'm looking very much forward to it!

In my heart, I don't feel like it's a control thing. My family will do what I ask, and they do it fine, but they need me to delegate, and to do that, I have to remember. Salt has to be thrown on the ice. If the leaf doesn't go in the table, there's no place for the food. My husband willingly does these things, and maybe would initiate them halfway through the party if I didn't designate it earlier... I know I am the one who is good at the details, it's not my complaint that I want them to think of these things themselves, or they're doing them wrong, just that I don't want to do it anymore.

So it's: I can't change my husband's behavior around party planning, (right we can't change other people), it's not his strength, (he has many, many other strengths and is a very good man) so the only thing I can control is me. I accept the fact the the planning/cooking/details will be my job. What I can control is whether I do the job, or step back and say, I'm not doing it anymore, or, I'm not doing it like this anymore. Scaling back even more from what it was, is an option. Meat and cheese trays sounds intriguing. But, I have scaled back a lot, maybe I just don't want to do it at all. Maybe I want to be a guest who brings a meat and cheese tray. I have about 10 months to tease this out. :) Thanks for being my group therapy while I hash this all out.

"Maybe I want to be a guest who brings a meat and cheese tray."

Now, THERE'S a concept!

This business of reengineering how we do stuff in order to better satisfy our changing needs is an important topic that involves a helluva lot more than holiday events!

But first we have to notice and acknowledge our discomfort with the old ways. (I'm now heading off into the weeds to think about this.)

Yes, a lot to unpack here, acknowledging our discomfort, honoring our own needs, asserting our right to change, weighing the pursuit of our own needs vs. obligations (because sometimes there are legitimate obligations) to others needs...

Bringing the meat and cheese tray! Yes! I always hosted Christmas until we moved to the Cape full-time because of DH's illness. SIL already has a house here and hers is better suited to entertaining. That has been a huge relief for me. Though DH used to do as much as me without me asking obviously that wouldn't have happened anymore. So simplify however feels comfortable for you!

I obviously have a lot of feeeeeelings on this topic!