Thursday, September 19, 2019

Diane O.-that's pretty exciting! How can I follow that? Will there be cake?!

You guys seem so well adjusted to doing fun hobbies and living life. I'm really worried about my parents. They have worked so darn hard and are nearing retirement but I'm kind of worried they'll drop every social interaction. And they are social people. I guess I see how my grandmother let things slowly drop off and had pretty much zero interaction besides us and the housekeeper at the end.

I have just realized something. There is a different element to my grief of losing my grandmommy because I tried to take care of her. Maybe I didn't consider this because grandchildren are usually spared from the care of their grandparents. And I did not do all of it or probably even the greatest portion. But I was so obsessive about checking in on her and planning her leftovers and breakfasts etc. that I don't quite know what to do with myself.

So naturally I'm going to start throwing myself into taking care of my parents. Totally healthy, right?

LOL! Well, you gotta have something to worry about, right? ;)

Guests here for one more night then leave tomorrow. I am going to skip out on dinner out tonight. I'm feeling huge and am tired of socializing. I would make a great hermit, if I've never said so before.

I've been thinking about resolve lately. It's strong in me in the mornings and even in the middle of the night I can wake up and think, I need to stop eating like I do and make a good plan for the next day. And by 3pm it all falls apart. I think it's so odd how I can feel such urgency, need for self preservation, and understand the need to make changes at certain parts of the day and at other parts of the same day, I can't muster up those same feelings to save myself and can only feel the need for a short term fix. I remember a speaker at the OH conference I went to where I met Liz who spent an hour explaining why food can't be an addiction and does not trigger the brain the same way or areas that alcohol and drugs do. She was REALLY unpopular in a room full of people who consider themselves addicted to food! I suppose I can accept that science says the brain doesn't light up the same way an alcoholic or drug user's brain does, but I absolutely think the behaviors and thought processes of a food obsessed person work just like a substance abuser.

On that note, I am off to plan my day that I hope like heck doesn't fall apart later...

CC, I think we are very much the prisoners of our habits, triggers, rewards, surroundings, and conditioning. We're inherently able to be good little lab rats pushing the button repeatedly for pellets. All night long.

For me, it's helpful to remove the button. No button. No pellets.

And I have to keep removing the button. Over and over. New beginnings, so to speak.

Plus, I do occasionally learn a few new things.

My current thinking is that I'm lying to myself when I say, "One day if I'm 'good enough,' I will be able to get this monkey off my back." Right now I think the truth (for me!) is more like this: "I will have to tangle with this monkey for the rest of my life, so I better get used to tangling with it every single day. That's just how it's going to be."

Good Morning All

Lovely sleep in and sipping a cup of tea. Today is Napa and a late dinner at CIA

Had a fabulous day yesterday. Alcatraz then Lombard Street, Union Square, a wander through Macys and dinner at Cheesecake Factory.

Ann- wow productive night/morning but I see a nap in you horizon

Liz- another busy day organising for DH. I hope that you enjoy your free time tommorrow

Diane O - Huge congratulations x So happy for you both x

Cec- Great thoughts. I see food in the same vein as alchol but one I cant give up like I did drinking. Its necessary but I do need to eat better

BB- Be kind to yourself as you journey through your grief x

To everyone who follows - enjoy your day x

Im off to get ready for todays adventures

Shirley

Shirl, it is glorious weather for Napa today. I hope you enjoy your dinner at the Culinary Institute! I've heard great things. I have a gift card for a dinner there that I have never used. It is years old. Sad...

BonnieBB, not sure about healthy, but totally normal! And I don't see much wrong in doting on your folks as long as it is not obsessive or intrusive. I check in with my dad several times per week, and my brother, too. It is what family does.

Ann, I do not know how you get by on so little sleep. I need 6-7 to function well.

Liz, no words. The next couple of weeks loom ahead and must be tearing you up inside. Mustn't be too Yankee through it all. You're entitled to be a mess - especially once DH is settled in.

I'm feeling upset this morning. My teaching partner was offended by me and walked away. We have a great relationship, so I'm not too worried, but I'm bothered by the fact that it was clear that I was teasing (referencing something she said to me yesterday) and she still reacted so strongly....

Update... was able to talk with teaching partner at break. Worked it all out, and as I suspected, it wasn't my actions, but the actions of others that were upsetting her. My tease was the key to the gate holding back her ire and when my comment opened the gate, she let it fly. I love that she was able to trust me enough to tell me what was really bothering her.

Sugar is such an interesting substance. I did some reading on it last night. I was really looking for a way to kick start a detox in a MAGIC way. Of course, I did not find it. I was thinking a self hypnosis type of method might be swell. All I really got was some resources on "magic" herbs that help with detox, but can mess with prescription meds. So that's a big NO! The rest was same old, same old - drink water, eat lots of greek yogurt, try eating bitter foods to retrain your taste buds, blah, blah, blah....

What I need to think about is how to retrain the addictive part of my brain to use some alternative to sugar. I am using sugar like I did cigarettes. It's a stress soother, but not really, because I don't like the long term effects of using sugar. Sure, extra weight and cravings are different from sick and dirty lungs, but the mental aspect is the same. And if I'm going to be honest, sugar is a whole lot healthier in the long run than smoking, so in comparison my sugar is a far lesser evil, BUT I want to not have to use anything to cope with my stressors in life. I want to deal with them in a more productive and healthy way.

This sh*t ain't easy, is it? To help me feel good I am counting the things for which I am grateful. I am grateful for being healthy, having good breath, having physical and cardio strength and stamina, having the emotional stamina to stay on this journey and not giving up (because I'm going through a pretty slow move to action process at the moment...). Of course, I am also grateful for all my 1st world conveniences - home, pets, car, clothes, bills to pay, money in my pocket, etc... And most of all, I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life who support me and love me knowing who I wholly am.

I got enough sleep last night but it was in 30 minute segments.

Nine, nineteen, 20 nineteen. I don?t know why but I enjoy writing today?s date.

I have PT in a little while. Just building on what we have done previously. Will pre medicate. Maybe after too. Knee is tight. I was up on it for almost 2 hours this morning. Trying to get a mower started. Yes, having a hard time just sitting.

DS mowed most of it with a brush hog yesterday. I think I could mow with the zero turn if I could get it running. I would have to drive slow. It has a short in the wiring so it will be a while before I can get it to the repair shop.

More later, david

Dear fellow mower ... I mowed 80 minutes yesterday and cleaned up a field (post-haying) that now looks so neat.

I was going to mow this afternoon after 3 (had a long day in town), but it was just too damn hot. So this weekend if the rain holds off.

A.

I cleaned up the hay rows on the front lawn after Wednesday's mowing of two week growth and had an AMAZING two hour weed whacking session in the backyard. The five raised beds, dogs' platform and house, shed, three sides of fence, fire pit area, brick edging along the house and three sets of stairs are meticulous and prepped for today's mow. I feel you sister !