Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Look our Shirl sits peacefully at last!

Nice to see you after the long weekend BB! Have missed your posts.

Bonnie 150, I so identify with you about eating like a "fat person" and all the emotional baggage that goes with that thinking! I sometimes look at my grocery items on the belt at the checkout stand and think one of two groups of thoughts. The first set of thoughts is: "You'd think with what I'm buying I would be thin," and "People must think I'm trying to lose weight looking at what I'm buying." The second train of thoughts is along these lines: "Oh, embarrassing! People can see why I'm so fat," or "Well, at least what I'm buying matches how I look." It's fascinating how our minds dick around with our self perception and feelings of self worth.

I made 4 omelets yesterday evening after shopping. I entered them into the Livestrong recipe maker. Each omelet is 414 calories. 25 grams protein, 32 grams fat, 5 grams carbs. I am still feeling full, so that's a good thing. I don't think I will be eating my 2nd breakfast today. Was so focused on making my breakfasts, I forgot to do anything about lunch! So, I grabbed left over pizza and an apple. Not the optimal choice, but, it's logged and counted.

I'm trying to get a few average days of eating so I can see where I need to reduce my calories, but my biggest issue is emotional. I have to calm my inner addict and stress eater. Those parts of me need to accept eating foods will not really calm and soothe me in the long run. They might provide a momentary relief from the stress at hand, but eating chocolate, a spoonful of ice cream, a handful of nuts, etc... really won't "fix" a damn thing. I need to really believe that I can manage imaginary hunger and cravings. I'd say more than anything, that is my biggest current issue - believing in my core that I can manage the emotional hunger without succumbing to eating.

I'm sure I have a whole lot more that I could go on and on about because I've got a lot stirring around in this old head of mine.

Oh, the extra item on my plate right now is that I'm guessing I'm in for a root canal. The fix of cavity on my root surface is proving to be a menace. I'm having root pain up the wazoo several times per hour. Oh joy! It's nothing I can't handle, but darn it, I don't like it one bit. The pain and throbbing kept me awake for a time last night. Boooo......

For sure boooo on the Root Canal. What I dislike the most (other than the pain and$$$$$) is that the issue often cannot be put on the back burner. Best of luck and I hope there is a less invasive remedy to be found.

Re the mind games:

So much interesting talk on here today!

I guess it's been interesting watching behaviors that I may, in the past, have had. Especially from someone (not morbidly obese) who I'd assume had it wayyyy more together than I did.

I wish I knew what the answer was. Because currently I can tell you that allowing myself to have all the foods means that I don't have ALL the foods, know what I mean? But in the past, I don't think that would've been helpful. As much as I love to say dieting made me fat, I did have to limit myself to lose the weight. I don't honestly know that I could've eaten just one donut when I had a lot of weight to lose. It works for me now, but probably didn't work for me then. And I probably should've been more sensitive to BIL's situation rather than thinking "if I can do it..." Not particularly proud of that.

Although I am pretty happy about (at only this singular moment in time) my ability to indulge without going overboard. That might mean more to me than the amount of weight I've lost, etc.

I would like to imagine that I can be like that in the future, too, BB. You're ahead of me -- both in sleeve tenure and in moderating foods I can't currently tolerate very well.

What an education today in the psychology of maintenance!

In small triumphs in sleeveville, I did not eat any of the cookies in the break room, I stuck with the food I brought for myself. My thoughts about why I can often (but not always), eat with more moderation than before~ 100% because of my surgery. Like many fat people, I knew every diet, how to track food, how many grams of carbs, how many grams of fat, how many weigh****chers points, how many food exchanges. I made many, many serious attempts at weight loss and invested all amount of time and energy and even money in my efforts. My powerlessness before food was not lack of knowledge. Nor was it willpower. I am the same person I was 8 years ago in terms of self discipline, moral fiber. I am convinced that without the restriction and hormonal changes wrought by my sleeve, I would today, be fatter than I ever was. Now clearly I've established some new, better habits, but I believe, for me, I simply could not have done so without the substantial help of my sleeve. What success I do attribute to my own will and determination is that I kept looking, and when a surgical option became a possibility, I had the courage to go for it. I'm proud I took the chance, and I'm grateful, so grateful for the outcome.

Day 1 in the bag. No one cried, including me, so I'm putting the first day of school in the win column. But oh my stars, I am tired!

I've thought some more about my friend's visit and how long she should stay. All of you kind, loyal, caring people who said, I wouldn't do it, helped me realize a good person can say no and gave me some resolve. I love her. Also, it's not my problem to solve. She's welcome to stay the normal amount of time, and then she will have to figure out her next move.